Films

Dearest ML,

I saw your FB. Hope you had great fun with your Boston roadtrip :-)

During the Labor Day weekend, M and I watched two films: The Dark Knight Rises and a Danish Film In a Better World. I love film watching: films immerse me into a completely different world away from reality and can provoke thoughts sometimes.

While watching the Batman, at some point, I cannot help and think about the Aurora shooting incident. When exactly did it happen? What would I do if I were in the incident? Will I survive? What a horrifying experience it is to turn an exciting film watching experience (and Batman! I read somewhere the premiere in New York was sold out 6 months in advance) and ended up like this.

I like Batman trilogy. I think the director has successfully added many layers to the Batman character. Remember the old days of Michael Keaton and even George Clooney? Or even in far ancient days when there was the hysterical TV show with Batman and Robin and "BANG BANG" occupying the whole TV screen? The current trilogy is very different from the previous work. It is undoubtedly still a very Hollywood Blockbuster, but very well made. Normally I am not a big fan of this sort of film but I have to admit, the film watching experience was entertaining.

Honestly I wish there were a little bit more on Catwoman. Anne Hathaway has done a very good job in playing the role.

The other Danish film In a Better World is completely different. It is the winner of 2010 Oscar Best Foreign Film, and very real (whereas Batman is extremely surreal). The film covered a lot of topics: cancer, death, different forms of bullying, marriage, family dynamics, to name just a few. On hindsight I wish it could have focused more on a few topics only with more in-depth coverage. But good films are hard to find. This is definitely above average.

All in all, I am happy to have M to share these film watching experience together. I remember I had an ex, every time when I proposed a film to watch by then (and even now) I would need to exercise my careful consideration. M is the complete opposite as we are both film lovers and surprisingly share pretty common taste and preference on foreign language films (well he loves sci-fi horrors like 28 Days Later but I am not). But we have to admit, the "date" for film watching is also very important!


k  xoxo  

Blogger

Dearest ML,

It's been a while. By pure coincidence (well everything to me is "by pure coincidence" anyway), I came across this blog People Do Things With Their Lives and how the viewers are raving about it. I was amused. Absolutely amused & astonished. Maybe my bar is higher I do not feel like that.

I do agree with one of her points she wrote "there is no news" but yet it does not make her blog great. Then I cannot help and wonder if somebody regarded her blog as "great" and "good read enough to follow after checking other bloggers", then what about my blog? My thoughts? Are they just too quirky or others will find it entertaining / meaningful to read?

We write to inspire (inspired by E L James "we aim to please", said Ana to Christian or vice versa). So guess what? I will continue to write my random thoughts.

FYI the bloggers I consider awesome is Tom Basson (despite I do not like his religious stuff but scroll down to "what makes you come alive". I believe everyone should keep their own list), and Seth Godin

These are really cool blogs.

k  xoxo

Hard Time Generation from 60 minutes

Dearest ML,

I have decided to write one more post before signing off. Last night I watched the 60 minutes. The segment on "Hard Time Generation" is just so touching.

It is hard to imagine some kids are having such a difficult times, yet they never give up.

It is hard to imagine why it is so difficult to find a job in the States.

It is hard to imagine what if there is only one orange left in the cooler but nothing more, and yet you call the shelter house and they are all full.

I have been extremely lucky. I think my friends are also lucky too. One is currently traveling around the world with her fiance. We are really blessed. Story like this always remind myself to be humble and not to forget those who are currently misfortunate and experiencing a rough time.

Strive for the best, and offer what we may do in return to help others.


k  xoxo

Back to School Again

Dearest ML,

I saw your Facebook. You are such a vibrant soul :) I remember when I was at your age I was like that too - endless parties, activities to keep my schedule completely full (hey I was living in Hong Kong!) but now I feel different. How to put it, I know I am getting old when M and I were driving pass Hollywood last Saturday night around 11 pm, seeing all these party crowds with bumper to bumper traffic. My only thought was "I wanna go back home and rest".

And yes I have decided to go back school again after... er... 6 years (OMG). This time it is via Coursera, a fantastic free online platform where literally you can sign up anything you like for free. So far it is still free I do not know about its future. It is a great resource to go back to school again to sharpen my mind, to interact with different think-alike individuals, and most importantly to sign up anything I feel interested in without feeling obliged on doing anything. So this time I signed up Gamification, Introduction to Operation Management and Sociology etc 5 courses in total.

Yeah I am getting really excited. And yes it is feel like back to school again, I need my brand new stationery - notebook and pens :P

Everytime I do a course I feel like it is not only the (online) lecture, but it is also about the reading. So yes here I come, I am prepared. I feel alive again.


k  xoxo
 

The Story of Mr Frog

Dearest E,

This is what I read from one of my favorite columnist "Ask Amy" from "Rejected in Chicago" today:

"Dear Amy: I am a 26 year old woman who has kissed many frogs, and by "many" I mean that every single guy I have been with is a frog. 

I've been seeing a guy who I thought was the answer to my prayers. He said all the right things.

We became intimate on our third date, now I have heard nothing from him.

He texted me after he got home from our third date, but nothing after that/ I have tried contacting him twice (via text) since then, to no avail. It's been a few days since that third date. and I am asking your advice as to how I should move forward.

Should I keep trying to contact him, or just to move on?

Rejected in Chicago"

Why I am posting this? Because I saw myself in this story. I won't call the guys I was seeing as "frogs" (nor I do not understand why she did it) but what she encountered is definitely not something new, and I am sure it will happen to other girls too.

Let's hear what Amy said:

"Dear Rejected:

By "being intimate" I assume that you and Mr Frog had sex.

Being sexual with someone is not the route to intimacy that you seem to think it is. However it is the path most often taken by frogs.

If you had extended your conversation with this guy on that fateful third date, instead of having sex with him, you would have learned more about him and become more intimate. And you wouldn't be so reactive, needy and confused now.

If you are satisfied with occasional hookup, then keep doing what you're doing. But you are unhappy with your choices.

Rather than brand every man you date a frog, the most logical remedy is for you to change everything about your own behavior in this area of your life.

When you do that, you will draw a different kind of person toward you."

For me, Amy is kinda vague about her answer. But certainly some points are definitely true:

1. Some frogs tend to use sex to build intimacy, which leads girls to think or believe like that too.
2. However most of the times, we girls would like to have something more than sex. And that's the challenging part - striking a good balance of intimacy and when exactly to have sex.
3. I agree with Amy, it actually depends on what YOU want. 
4. If a frog is focused on sex only, he will move on to another target if there is no sex happening.
5. If he sees building up intimacy more than sex, and sees you as a good candidate to build it up, he will invest time into this.

Nobody can tell exactly when to have sex or the intimacy level. It all depends on how you feel about yourself, how well you know about him, the communication between you two, what you would like to have from the relationship etc.

As for me, at age 26?? It is typical to go through what "rejected" is going through. It is the age of evolving. Nobody is born to be smart. It is all learn by experience.

Rejection hurts, nobody likes that. But like I said many times before, it is an inevitable part of dating / relationship. 

Believe me, a lot of frogs at age 26 (or around that age) do tend to think sex comes first than anything else (or replace "work" with the word "sex"). Some guys evolve, and some do not. It is important to keep adjusting your own expectation too.

And what Amy said is so true - it also depends on where you are looking for frogs. Say for example assume you meet someone in clubbing / social parties, how would you expect him to build up intimacy via talking / texting?


Which is why always remember: whatever happens, yourself comes first. Love yourself more. When you have that belief built up, you will begin to have self-confidence in yourself, and tend to get less hurt by what happens.



k  xoxo

Not a peaceful breakup

Dearest E,

I am so happy you shared your story with me and sorry again to hear what happened in the restaurant where the girlfriend of your ex scolded you out of nowhere in the public.

To begin with, there are only two types of breakup in the world - peaceful breakup and not-peaceful breakup. Peaceful breakup to me is kind of rare as it involves the mutual understanding of two parties and reach the consensus of breakup. However, peaceful breakup also does not mean the relationship can be transformed to "friendship", as again it requires the mutual effort & maturity from both parties.

We girls do tend to have a tendency to expect ex to become friends again whereas boys tend not to have this tendency. My favourite quote is "let things evolve" / "time will tell" but most importantly the core message is "not to have any expectation".

Why? When you do not have expectation, you will be less likely to feel disappointed.

When you do not have expectation, you will not be the one to take the first move and be rejected if he is not responding.

When you do not have expectations, your focus will be put on yourself instead of the counter party.

Personally I had peaceful breakup and not-peaceful breakup. To be specific I used to be the one to dump the other party first until one day the trend got reversed. Of course it hurt, I felt devastated but I survived.

Breakup is an inevitable part in dating (unless you are the rare lucky ones who got married with your puppy lover). So in the end, we all need to learn how to deal with breakup in a smarter way.

As with the act of that girl, my only comment is do not learn from her. We all have "class", and that girl has no class. There is no need to talk to her again, and sorry to say she is not even your friend. 

Feel better soon



k xoxo

New York City

I miss you, New York City.

One of my favorite shots taken on the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan skyline

Hedi Silmane Diary

Dearest ML,

I know you love photography as much as I do... check this out

Hedi Silmane Diary

He is just SO cool - powerful black and white image :)

Honestly the world is SO big and full of interesting things for us to explore

k  xoxo

RIP Marina Keegan

Dearest ML,

M sent me this story, maybe you read it already on Marina Keegan who was a Yale Graduate and died from car accident last Saturday. She was 22.

I kept reading her last post she wrote in Yale Daily News, I cannot help and think how come such a talented and sensitive girl, full of ambition just gone like a wind? How ironic when she wrote "we are so young, we are so young" yet she was the one to first pass away?! 

Nothing is fair in this world.


Let's make something happen in this world.

In a sleepless night like this, I cannot help and figure what exactly I can do to make a difference in the world? To influence people? To motivate my friends? To have a successful career (and then what?) I feel like I am no different from a fresh graduate. The only difference is I am not so young anymore. I had my graduation moment, and I never look back. I am someone with history, and someone who always think about where I am heading to, what destiny will bring to me.

Take one step at a time, and try my best. This is what I will do.

Seize the day. Seize the moment.

RIP Marina, I do not know you, but I feel like you were someone talented and inspirational to a lot of people. 



k  xoxo

Caught in the cycle of poverty

Dearest ML,

If you have the time, take a look on the cover story by LA Times today and then also read the comments

Caught in the cycle of poverty

New to LA for less than 1 year, it is still hard to imagine people in the States can live like this. I think there are a few issues here:

1. Cole always mentioned about kids but I have no idea why she may consider having the 5th one given her conditions. Where is the birth control? She does not know about condom / contraceptives? As some readers may have pointed out, maybe this is her plan to gain more welfare or food stamps by having more kids. Who knows but this is alarming - it is a false alarm this time but who knows if it will be a real baby on board some time soon?

2. I am always interested in the topic of "ending poverty" (and subsequently microfinance) but in this story I think Cole has her own responsibility to bear. She missed a few times of working hard to get a job. It is a pattern.

3. Some readers suggested the role of mentor and I do think this may help provided the person is open to "constructive criticism" (believe me, not everyone is) and provided there is strong-minded person to help the impoverished like this in terms of attention, dedication and time (something more valuable than donating money)

4. All in all, the whole story keeps reminding me one thing: the person who can help yourself is yourself. For Cole, IF you are really doing the best for your children, stop having more babies, take care of your health, and settle down to get one / multiple jobs. No rocket science here. Life is not fair and sometimes someone's path is doomed to be more difficult than the others.

The story also reminds me of my dad, how he came from a poor family of 5 boys, uneducated parents who were not home to work and how he worked himself up to social ladder to become a professional and a middle class and now retired with enough money to spare. Coming from a poor family is not an excuse. Not taking care of oneself properly physically and not having a burning desire to make ends meet is.


k  xoxo 

Coffee Meets Bagel

Dearest ML,

As posted on your Facebook wall last night (since you are NY-to-be), this is what I found after reading a small column from a Hong Kong newspaper: Coffee meets Bagel

Without signing up (I am not eligible nor in need of such service!) and from the preliminary information I have from their website, here is my feedback:

1. I think the concept is cool because it turns out it is not that easy to meet potential partner in US (surprise!) but the key of success lies on "how CMB consultant can lie up a good match". If it is just random match, the coffee / bagel (which I still cannot distinguish who's who) may lost interests in this quickly and will likely disregard the whole thing. So I will say the first 3-5 matches are really important.

2. I still haven't figured out their business model and revenue income. I think it is fine to charge subscriber a minimal fee to sign up to enjoy the service say for 30 / 90 days if not I am not sure how they are going to sustain, considering there is no ad on their website, and considering how important it is to find a good match for the first few trials.

3. Assuming this charge model, and assuming it is a success within say 10 matches, obviously the benefit is on the spread of words among friends and possibly opt-out of the service. But to have a good match the prerequisite is again manpower to support this service 

4. Sometimes I may see friends of friends that I may get interested to know about but no connection, maybe CMB can tap into this area too as purely customized match instead of "random" match (well I do not know how random that is anyway but I remember Glamour said it is "random").

5. I like the idea of having suggestions on where to date (which may turn into a paying service for bars / restaurants and stuff) but more manpower is needed for the business development.

Right on Arum, I look forward to see CMB flourish in other cities too :)


k  xoxo

Faint memories of our ex

Dearest ML,

We are have faint memories on our ex, regardless how much we would like to forget about him. Here is one, related to B when I received the email from Jo on tips to prepare for dragon boating:

Seagods, a few tips for the next 24 hours until Stanley warm up races:

• make sure you are fully hydrated - keep a bottle of water with you and sip throughout the day on Friday.  A number of people have mentioned that they were thirsty at Deep Water Bay and next day (and they didn't think it was just a hangover!)  A 1% drop in hydration can impact performance by up to 10% so we need to make sure we are fully hydrated as we go into race day and throughout the day.  Bring plenty of water and (as they say in the army) you should be weeing "clear and often"
• rest and have an early night on Friday.  Minimise alcohol in order to avoid dehydration (there will be plenty of beers on Saturday night!)
• eat balanced meals on Friday with carbohydrate and protein (lean white meat is best as red meat is hard to digest)
• get a good night's sleep on Friday
• eat a good breakfast ideally with carbohydrate and protein eg egg on toast, porridge and banana, beans on toast, fruit and yoghurt
• bring sports drinks, gels, bars, bananas to eat between races
• caffeine can also be useful between races (and in the afternoon) to give an extra kick
• caffeinated sports gels can be taken approx 15 mins before the race

Every little helps in races that are won and lost in sceonds.

See you bright and early on Saturday for another great day of racing!

  

See the point "avoid red meat"... it struck the chord when I remember we had a big meal of red meat (premium beef to be exact) before the Around the Hong Kong Island Race, THE outrigging race of the year as we thought this may give us a bit more strength. I personally felt horrible on the next day... 

 

Honestly I do not want to think about this (or anything related to B) but it just came out of nowhere. If I feel sad or angry at myself for still thinking about this (or anything related to him), maybe it is a good time to turn around and see the whole incident as a joke, something we did go through together and nothing will change this fact. 

 

Having said that it leads to the next point: embrace the faint memories we still have with our ex for this is what makes us who we are now. Have gratitude for him making who we are now. I may have too many yoga lessons these days but there is one thing called Karma. When we can accept our past without any hard feeling then we can let it go completely and focus on what lies in front of us.

 

k  xoxo 

 

 

 

 

 

Quizás Quizás Quizás

Dearest ML,

Oh boy I must have been lazy... My last blog post was 3 weeks ago!!! Yes it seems to me this is indeed the first blog post written in LA again.

While the search for myself remains on, I have been reading different newspapers everyday. There is one column that I really like in Hong Kong, it is about the relationship of a financial journalist with her Mr Big: how two independent person coming along together gradually, her struggle if she should spend the night in his giant condo etc.... Very interesting.

As one reader pointed out in her comment, she wrote in a very Hong Kong style way. I have difficulty in describing what exactly is "Hong Kong style" way, in short it is Hong Kong style, something I miss after not in the city for a while.

This time she wrote about her university friend YY who studied abroad in the States, first time to learn how to take care of herself, first time to learn how to cook, go to the supermarket, to have a boyfriend and unfortunately broke up.

Devastated, she decided to go to Mexico alone.

In an unknown city unknown small bar full of strangers and Spanish, she heard this song "Quizas Quizas Quiza", a song that she heard 10,000 times when she broke up. Suddenly her secrets was revealed again unexpectedly.

"But when all the others are actually so normal and drinking coffee, chatting, I finally realized how naive I have been. I finally realized one thing: a song is just a song: it can be sad or neutral, or nothing. The same applies to a man," she wrote on a post card that the author still keeps it today.

Yes, a man is just a man! We all have our heart broken before, but a man is just a man. And today I read the Ask Amy column again, someone who had the history of "cut and run" would like to have her ex again. Amy just said "the best you can do is to let him go", and specified that "someone with a tendency to cut and run will have a tendency to do it again".

Then I thought about my ex(es), and your R, and realized one thing: a man is just a man. A man with a tendency to "cut and run" will likely to do it again. Whoever he / they are seeing now, good luck with them.


k  xoxo

Hong Kong

Dearest ML,

During my last visit, I took some time to take pictures of Hong Kong. Have a look? I love the way Hong Kong is just so diverse with a mix of modern and the old 

(most importantly I totally love my pentax k-r camera with all these built-in filters for special effects!) 

k  xoxo

One Love Story

Dearest ML,

Sometimes we just forgot how love / marriage should be, and that's why I posted this for you. It is about the love story of a young couple (24!) and they got married because he did not have long to live.

Click here. 

Maybe you watched it already :)

k  xoxo 

Meaningful email from 2010

Dearest ML,

I was clearing my mailbox, and found this email back in 2010. Surprising it still applies as of 2012 :0)

Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.

5. Make time to pray.

6. Play more games.

7. Read more books than you did in 2009.

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake.

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18.. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. GOD heals everything.

35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37. The best is yet to come.

38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:

40. Please forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.

Strategy, strategy, strategy

Dearest ML,

One of my theories in dating is "strategy". Here is one perfect example to illustrate, originates from an article I read on newspaper yesterday:

There is a theory in war. The real winning and losing is determined before the war itself. Those who took initiative is the losing side.  There is no doubt about it.

Today she asked him out, he can tell it is not a good thing. Last week they started dating. On the evening of the second date, he kissed her.

No rejection, but not much reaction. She just closed her eyes and stood there quietly, feeling the heat from his lips. This was a kiss that would not last long.

But since the relationship had already begun, he did not mind carrying it forward. He thought things would unwind eventually. He felt a little bit of uneasy because of another man.

He was someone whom they met on the same day in the same work related occasion. He obviously was the "better" one.

He can tell him he was not competitive, and he could also tell that she was attracted to him from the very beginning.

Things may not have happened for two person who are mutually attracted to each other. As long as nobody takes the first move, nothing will happen.

He gave sufficient time to both of them, he took initiative only when he felt like nothing would happen between them.

Things were smooth than he thought, she accepted him despite the way of expressing his admiration and love was a bit clumsy.

He can feel that she was relaxed, obviously because it marked the end of the struggle with the other he. She must have said to that guy "great, there is no need to struggle anymore with you. You are nothing!"

Today she gave him a call, saying there was something serious for discussion after work. She sounded serious.

"I told him that we started our relationship"

"What is his reaction?"

"He asked me, how come that was not me?"

"I said I never knew you liked me"

"..."

"I am sorry, we have started seeing each other."

No astonishment but only the sad loneliness from the loser.

If we step outside the box, in fact that he lost the game too. She was the mastermind.

---------------------

Such a brilliant story!

k  xoxo

After Breakup

Dearest ML,

Again another inspiration by Black so Black to share:

She once vowed to her wedding ring that she will only wear it once in her life. She will not take it off after it is put onto her finger. Even facing infidelity by her partner she will still honor the wedding vow, and never fall in love with another party.

Three years later, she felt in love with a friend who had been staying around with her for years and they formed their own family. When she vowed again, the hatred on her face disappeared.

She cried desperately asking for suicide. She cannot live without him. She was like this for 40 days after he left her. She felt like the sky has collapsed, that nobody could understand how she feels, and knowing that she cannot meet anyone who deserves her love and whom she fell in love so deeply.

Fast forward one year later, she met her current partner in volunteering. She saw there are so many things that need her help and grew mature. Love can come in again only when she opened her heart. He and she have been together, in peace. The power of love not only serves these two people, love helps in serving more people who are in need.

The love of his life betrayed him. He cannot trust any woman. Arrogance left him in hatred and negative emotions for a few years. Until one day he met someone who is simple and kind, and shines through his life like a fresh ray of light. He saw how he did not understand women, how he committed mistakes and hurt them in the past. Now he can experience love is to forgive the pain and sin in the past with a gentle loving smile. He felt enormously gracious, and learned how to love himself and others.

She loved him over a decade and never want to let go. She thought she cannot fall in love again, she is destined to be a victim and she cannot handle any hurt. At the same time, she finds herself very hard to fall in love with someone. After living in despair for 4 years, they met, fell in love and made them calm, mature and understanding. She cannot be happier.

These real stories of break up are meant to share with those who are afraid of break up. There is no inseparable relationship to begin with, except the intimate self-loving relationship. You have to give time to heal the wound, and there is no need to shut the door. You never know what sort of gift God has arranged to you after you open up yourself to experience growth.

There is no reason for you to miss this.

My thoughts:

We all have breakups. It is so rare that we will end up with only one lover in our life these days. Some relationships are longer, some are brief and short. Every relationship counts. We have to learn how to deal with break up, to learn from others and to learn how we may grow from it. It is the only way where we may minimize the pain.

We also have to learn to look forward. The best is yet to come.

k  xoxo

Break up Properly

Dearest ML,
This is the topic wrote by my favorite columnist, Black so Black. I tried to digest what she wrote to below -

It turns out a lot of couples break up by disappearing suddenly. There is no symptom, nor there is  room for you to prepare for it. In the end it becomes so difficult for you to get adjusted for this sudden change in the status and creates a wound that is so deep that it takes a long time to heal. 

Suddenly stop picking up calls, suddenly stop replying text message, suddenly move the stuff away, suddenly return the gifts, suddenly leave message like "do not contact me anymore" but without explanation and elaboration. They thought they leave like a wind and create no-fuss. But in reality they are creating a mess that is more messy than the messed up relationship and let the burden to the others while he or she can simply run away.

This is such a rude and irresponsible way of breaking up. Not only let the other party wandering in dismay, with the urge of wanting to know the truth even in the next life. This type of breakup also creates "fatal relationship" - a relationship that leaves the other party traumatized. It can also bring up the deep buried childhood fear: say the fear of being abandoned by parents, the fear of being left on the street while not sure the way of getting back home, the fear that the parents will no longer love us after their separation etc.

The type of breakup reinforces that these childhood fears to be real and true and makes people feel so helplessness. If not handled properly it may develop into unfortunate emotional sickness. I handled a lot of cases when clients thought it is so difficult to love again and to trust someone again. Some clients even thought of or attempted suicide. 

To specify they are not particularly vulnerable people. A number of them told me that as long as the breakup was handled properly, give them room to deal with the vacancy period, they can actually take their time to accept the news and adapt.


A very sad aftermath of a bad breakup.

As a matter of fact, this situation can definitely be avoided. As long as when you break up you deal with it properly and face the aftermath, be it by a statement, elaboration, explain your point of views, give blessing to the other party before you leave. Prepare the other party that the relationship has come to a full stop, properly say thank you and good bye.

There is no inseparable relationship to begin with. You both can then move on without any burden. 

A mature person will tell before leaving. They will clear up rubbish and avoid creating additional rubbish. You have to understand that by simply disappearing, what is left behind can create mistakes that can be irreversible. 

Breakup properly. Disappearing suddenly only show how coward you are.

Needless to say, the passage did remind me of someone, someone whom I feel indifferent now. Time heals, but most importantly with more thinking and passages like this help me understand his mentality. It makes me realize how A-hole he actually is.

He simply does not deserve any of my time and energy.


k  xoxo

Mistake

Dearest ML,

Following the "courtesy, manner and respect" post, the saga continues.

I wrote to you that the friend did get back to me but not anymore. I whatsapp and asked questions, just casual ones like "what are your plans for weekend" then no feedback. It seems he disappeared in the thin air. I do not know what is happening.

Specifically I feel like I am stupid. Committing the same mistake twice? How foolish I am, to expect someone to change. I feel like I am more angry about myself than him.

This brings up one point:  never commit the same mistake twice.

My 2nd point being: time will really tell who that person is. It is not his sweet words but how he treats you that counts more. Be smart and do not be fooled!

 
k  xoxo

Respect, Manner and Courtesy

Dearest ML,

This blog post is also inspired by what happened yesterday. I told a friend that I wanna meet up, and if possible meet up last night for a drinks. I wrote something else to show my invitation was sincere. The invitation was sent out the night before. He got plenty of time to respond. Of course I had no problem that he could not make it, but I thought at least even a "no" is something out of respect, manner and courtesy.

Then I was out for hiking and missed his call at 1 pm. He did not leave me any message. I whatsapp him back at 2 after my hike, and then I heard nothing from him until 20:56 that he could not make it, and with a misuse of emoticons (an unhappy look followed by a big smile).

I got "furious" and replied in my whatsapp to show my disappointment and how I felt. Originally I thought if I over-reacted. Then I told my male friend about this, he said "Girl, you are venting. I would do the same too. I am not to be ignored and anyone to stand me up flat. Sorry. Next bus please unless he apologizes and makes up for it"

And guess what? I never heard from him since then. To make it clear I am not upset he cannot make it, but he could have told me earlier so that I can make my own plans.

Then I figure this is something really important apart from the way we look: it is the way we act, and the way we treat people with respect.

In short: respect, manner and courtesy. This is something even more important than the look.

Then I realized with M... He's the one who will never throw me under the bus. He is the one to treat me with respect and courtesy. He acts whatever he promises, from tiny issue like "I will come to the airport by 330 pm to pick you up".

He may not have the "hot look" but he has everything else that I am expecting in a friend and partner.


k  xoxo 

Ladies, mind your look please

Dearest ML,

This blog post is inspired by an incident yesterday. I went hiking with my mom. It was a hiking group of 100+ people. In the group, there was a young "leader", and yesterday a female friend went together with him.

Nobody knows if she was his girlfriend. I do not want to guess, I do not know her at all but her look is .... awful.

1. A large part of the roots of her hair was dark but the rest of her hair was brown.

2. She was not wearing any makeup, and she did not have a good skin complexion not to wear any make up.

3. She is a bit chubby, nothing wrong with that but then she may need to put more effort on the way she dresses.

Ladies, mind your look please, especially in a situation like this where there is a lot of people who may think you are somebody's girlfriend or special friend.

It is our responsibility to look fabulous at all times.


k  xoxo 

The Museum of Broken Relationships

Dearest ML,

Another reason to go Croatia! I read news today about the Museum of Broken Relationships and I found it to be so amusing.

Put it this way, nowadays it seems to me that the odds for any relationship not to work out is far bigger than vice versa. So yes I am always intrigued by the subject matter, specifically what can we do to make ourselves feel a bit better at break up? How can we better deal with our exes?

Then I came across this article and this interesting museum. It is in fact set up by a ex-couple. They did not want to throw away their stuff, and set up a museum for it. Gradually people from around the world started to send "exhibits" and write a story about the exhibit and their love story, which can be sad, sorry, regret or hatred. 

The museum actually inspires me to think:

1. You need to release your emotions on breakup.

2. You need to do some "ritual" as if it marks the end of the relationship "officially".

3. We actually do not need to send stuff to that museum. Do something - which can be crazy drinking, or take picture of the objects and write an article about it.

4. Most importantly accommodate the ex somewhere in your heart. Do not fight with yourself. Sometimes we are angry not with him but with ourselves: how come I was so dumb to get to know about him? How come I had loved him etc....

Accept the fact he was special to you before, and now he is no longer available.

Keep the guy radar on, and move on with our lives.


k  xoxo 

Ex-dar

Dearest ML,

Since we are talking about ex, I am happy to write a post on "ex-dar", inspired by the term "gay-dar".

We all need our ex-dar. Ex has become a circle of "friends". Whether we like it or not, they are there. We need to know how to deal with them. Similar to gay-dar, I do believe there are signs to pick up from your ex in formulating your strategy for him accordingly.

1. Access the situation
How did you guys break up? Was it in good terms or bad terms?

2. Who raised the breakup?

3. Is he still talking to you or not at all?

4. Does he has the maturity to be your friend again?

5. Have you forgotten the past and ready to move on?

6. Do you think he has forgotten the past and ready to move on?

Just a few aspects for you to consider in deciding the next move. I hate to be blunt but most of the times, guys do not want to keep friendship with their ex. This is a fact.

One thing we have to bear in mind - memory is selective. It means you choose what sort of memory to keep, what sort of memory not to keep. One guy told me recently, with his ex it is under selective memory (FYI they are no longer friends)

Go figure the rest. You are smart enough.

But in any case like what I said in the email "be a bitch", it means

1. If a guy would like to come after you, he will do that.
2. Think like a bitch
3. Act like a bitch
4. Believe you are a bitch

Sometimes you just need to "toughen up" a bit to prevent yourself from getting hurt again.


k  xoxo

Ex-lover

Dearest ML,

I am reading a book by a Taiwanese author on relationship, It is a book of 100 something articles, on her views of relationship, girls mentality etc...

It is so good that I have the feeling - I do not want to finish reading it so quickly.

Today I came across her article on "ex-lover". I tried to translate her article as below:

"Ex-lovers include ex-boyfriend, and whoever you fell in love with. A long time after the breakup, you guys come out for drinks as if nothing had happened.

He looks different from what you got to know him, but whenever he is not talking, his eyes seem like laughing. He is no longer pompous and arrogant. But whenever he talks about his ideal life, he gets very excited, and stands up with all the gestures to express his view.

You look at him, thinking about the good times that you had together, when you both were in love.

This city rains a lot. But since the day you first met, and for the days to come, it has become sunny.  It is like summer holiday, you guys have endless topics to talk about, and you cannot wait to put down everything into your diary each night.

You also thought about those days when you were not in touch with each other.

You guys may both like each other but it does not mean you guys can be together. He does not enjoy enough of his freedom, he has a lot of female friends. He is not available when you needed him.

He is somebody that you want, unfortunately he cannot give you the love that you want.

You pretend you are fine. And then you feel really sad and lonely. You see the rain drops on the windshield of the bus, but at the same time you see the teardrops on your face. You try to rub the tear away.

You see everyday of no-contact as an accomplishment. You saw the little MSN login of him on your computer, take a deep breath and then switch to Outlook to carry on with your email. You try to talk to yourself - you get everything you would like to have in life. But love is like a public bus - you know he can carry you to somewhere you would like to go, but the bus has been full, the bus has been broken on the way, the bus missed the stop. Then what can you do? 

And then one day you realize you can no longer remember his cell phone number. When you are with friends, you stop having the thought that "it will be so nice if he were here". You thought you guys no longer have any connection, until the day you meet him again.

You two haven't sat down and talked for such a long time but the connection is still there. You two can talk in your own secret language, and laugh at the insider jokes.

Then something came across to your mind - you two have the conditions to be together, but did not ever practice how to be together. Up till now, you still have not met anyone who knows you so well, and who gets along so well. You haven't even tried to explain, and then he will say he knows your temperament, that he will say to you "it really does not matter".

You are still very much in love with him, but you are just trying to persuade yourself the otherwise. If not there is no way so much thoughts can be triggered upon meeting up again. And it only feels like yesterday, otherwise you will not be that emotional, as if hypnosis has triggered some repressed memory.     

However, you guys miss the time of falling in love together, just like you miss the very last train of the day. It is a pity, but it is already a past tense. You tell yourself, bring forward whatever you learn from this relationship to the next boyfriend, you can treat him better, and you know better how to compromise.

Because you finally know, if you really love someone, it is similar to how your parents love you. You are the one to give out love, to compromise first without considering the return. You will not quit in the middle, because you would like him to see your intention, and how much you treasure your relationship with him, some day in future.

It is not easy but you will carry on with it. You feel good as this is in line with your conscience.  And then, despite you would not like to let the feeling go, you will still remember the feeling.

If you cannot give happiness to someone, you will have to let go so that he can stay happy."


k  xoxo

Love vs Hate

Dearest ML,

Thanks for your earlier comments on the post!

So happened my favourite columnist Black so Black wrote a similar topic today:


There was a girl, been together with the boy for a few years. But their relationship has always been ups and downs. He met a new party and would like to break up. She did not want to break up, and it began with all these struggles that made her tired and sick (minor ones like coughing and flu).

Like you said, we all fall in love with players some times. It is heart breaking to admit this. But so what? Apparently the girl did not want to let go of the boy, keep asking to get back together, I can change etc... but it was her mental states that she could not let go - the mentality to accept that she was being dumped and deceived by a jerk / player.

Hong Kong got the CE Election. One hopeful had an affair and his wife said "I am glad he knows his way back home". This is so wrong.

Love is blind, but sometimes someone just does not deserve our love.

Like what Black so Black said, release our anger, and get back to equilibrium.


k  xoxo

Ex

Dearest ML,

Ex always gives us headaches. I briefly estimated there are a few types of ex -

1. Ex who chooses to walk away completely from your life

These are the type who prefers a complete break off after the end of the relationship. No more contact. You may have mutual friends he may still be on your Facebook but nothing more.

You guys have your own life. It is tough especially when you still have feelings for him. You may still peek into his Facebook (or his girlfriend's Facebook to get to know him) but gradually you will figure "if he doesn't not treat me as a friend with care and concern, why bother and waste my time?"

This is exactly how I feel about the unnamed player, especially after the recent accident. He will always be the same. He doesn't really care about others. The good side is you guys break up before investing (or wasting) too much time and energy into the relationship that is doomed to have no future. 

2. Ex who can evolve to be best friends

This type of ex is rare, it requires both parties to evolve and move on. There is always a fine line between "couples" and "best friends' and you guys know how to play this rule of game well.

3. Ex who doesn't know what he wants and keep coming back to you

This type is also common - it means you guys break up, then reconcile, and then break up again. Why? One major reason is neither party has really worked out the real issues that caused the break up. Relationships like this will never be a smooth one but likely end up in a vicious cycle.

I know how it feels to be treated badly by ex, especially when you have the "expectation" that he may get back to you on your text / email message, or have the "expectation" that he will contact you first, or have the expectation of staying friends. Some time ago, I remember I wrote a blog post on "friendship". It takes two to make things work.

So, how to deal with ex?? I really do not know, I am still evolving. It really depends on the other party. You express your friendliness it went into the water under the bridge. Lesson learned.

Remember:

It takes two to clap hands. It also takes two to maintain friendship. There are a lot of friends who care and concern about you. There is no need to expect everyone to be your friend - you are not in any competition or running for Ms Friendly in Ms Universe competition.

Be picky, be choosey.

And sometimes if you really care about someone (and if by doing so really makes you feel better), go for it. You do not really have to let them know.   

You are a really sweet and smart girl with a lot of self-reflection but sometimes it may be better to forget and let go. Be kind to yourself, and love yourself more.


k  xoxo

Difference between Good Friend and Boyfriend

Dearest ML,

In our recent email exchange we talked about briefly the difference between "good friend" and boyfriend. As I pointed out, being a good friend before does not mean he will be a good boyfriend. Here is another example to illustrate the difference, inspired from my favorite columnist Black so Black (sorry website in Chinese only)

"Recently McDonald in Hong Kong launched a hamburger called "Mighty Ranger". It is like a super hamburger with hash brown, double beef, bacon etc with calories of 1270 (in case if you are not aware, daily requirement of calories is about 2000). To fully consume this burger you need to run for 3 hours. So obviously 1200 calories for a burger is way too much and unhealthy for health.

The story begins with this hamburger.

A boyfriend loves to have this Mighty Ranger so much that he would love to have this every meal. His girlfriend is concerned and complained: "he never works out, and this burger is equivalent to 6 bowls of rice. Assuming he keeps eating, I am concerned he will end up having heart attack eventually. Sigh. What should I do to be with someone who doesn't concern much about his health? Should I dump him?" 

Actually she is not the first one to dump a guy because of the hamburger. A guy once said to me "I cannot understand at all, why girlfriend needs to control and manage everything, to the extent what he likes to eat. Having a hamburger will not die, and over-concerned makes me feel like suffocated."

The point is - if a man is single and alone he can do whatever he wants. However when he is in a relationship and interacts with somebody, falls in love and even shares the life with somebody, he cannot do whatever he likes in a reckless manner.

If you do not think this is a sign of sacrificing your freedom, then you are simply childish and ill-prepared and disqualified to be in love with the other person.

Sharing a life together is a sign of sharing, interacting and cultivating a supportive and dependent relationship. This is something intimacy. By staying intimate it means you cannot be ego-centric. You are unable to do whatever you want like you used to before. This is the basic commitment for two parties to be together: to take care of each other, to cultivate mutual respect, love and concern.

And what are the per-requisite of taking care and respecting the other person? Self love. Individuals will treasure life and treasure others only when they how to self love.

Indulgence in that unhealthy burger is a sign of suicide.  There is no doubt about it, and it is normal and reasonable for the significant other to be worried.

Someone who is so unconcerned about his own health and who enjoys self-indulgence will only be suitable to live alone but not suitable to be in a relationship.

Self indulgence in that burger is a sign of not self-love, and eventually he does not love his partner. He is not doing his job by making his partner worried and this has nothing to do that he is being interfered about his own freedom."

Then I thought of the recent incident, why he did what he did. Like M said he is still searching around, but the root problem is... he doesn't concern his partner enough. He still prefers to have the same lifestyle that he used to have without considering what he did / does will hurt others.

There is just a fine line between "good friend" and "boyfriend" and how you treat them. 

This is just like what he did to me before. In short, nothing has changed. 

Yes everyone has their own issues, but without the awareness of changing himself and dig out those issues, nothing will change.

He is and will still be the same player.


k  xoxo 

Asking Questions

Dearest ML,

Yesterday I had a great dinner catch up with my friend E. We are ex-colleagues, and I haven't met her for 6 months after my resignation. It is funny it turned out I am... 10+ years older than her, feel like REALLY old now :0)

Anyway, she shared with me with her problems at work and in relationship & her friend's problems. Her friend (someone I do not know) spent a night with her current colleague after being "drunk" (no sex) and felt terrible as she has a stable loving boyfriend. So E was supposed to be there for her to comfort her etc...

Then I realized when we were young, we just do not know how we feel. All we can say is "I am confused, I do not know what to do".  But if we keep asking questions, this will actually help in clearing out the thoughts.

Some questions I suggested E to ask her friend is -

- For her boyfriend: why did she feel this bad? what is her plan - be with him or dump him or ?
- For her colleague: why she did it - because she want something adventurous or she also likes him? what is her next plan?

Etc....

The fact is everything can be broken down into questions, and it is important to take time to ask ourselves questions, and reflect.

Coincidentally my favorite blogger Tom Basson posted a similar post but on daily life (look at him, he is just SO hot). He wrote everyday he asked himself below questions -

• How did the day go? What success did I experience? What challenges?
• What did I learn today? About myself? About others? What do I plan to do differently, or the same, tomorrow?
• Who did I interact with? Anyone I need to update? Thank? Apologize? Ask a question? Share feedback?

I totally agree with him, it is important that we take time to ask questions, reflect ourselves in order to clarify thoughts, learn and grow.

Ultimately everyday is a growing process.

Thank you Tom, and luv ya :)

E, I want to emphasize this again: when I was at your age, I was just like you, or even dumber (not a potato but sweet potato LOL). So do not be shy, learn and grow everyday :)


k  xoxo
 

The Art of Dating Part Three - Finale

Dearest ML

By pure coincidence I met a new friend recently. Actually he met my parents first in a tour and my mom thought he should be introduced to my best friend (who is a very decent girl but has been single for a long time) and asked me for 'help'.

I always wanna "help" my friend. I have no idea why she has difficulty in meeting guys as she is a very decent person with nice personality and look. So I gladly accepted this assignment.

But before anything I feel like I should meet up with this guy first at least to understand a bit more about him.

So we had a coffee and some chats on phone. It turned out he is also very decent and "normal" with a decent but busy job (who doesn't in Hong Kong?). We clicked instantly as friends. It is kinda weird as in front of him I do feel like I am like a "big sister" and kind of bossy with a lot of opinions but in reality... I may be but I am never like this in front of M. I am still figuring out why LOL

Anyway the key is not exactly about me and him but more about him and my friend. So I arranged a dinner meet up last night.

I feel like a healthy relationship should better begin with friendship (unless you are meeting someone in club). So it turned out last night was successful. It seemed we all had a great time. My friend did not know anything about the whole purpose of the meeting as I do not want to scare her off. However my mom has been asking me if I have arranged them to meet up all the times and made me annoyed LOL

So what I observe is from my friend I think I can figure out why guys may not think her as "attractive". There should be just something a little bit more apart from "being decent and presentable and normal". I think the key is one should always bear in mind the art of dating. Simply put there are a few rules from my own experience:

Rule 1 - always keep guy radar on. Very important.

Rule 2 - always keep yourself presentable and attractive and in good shape as you never know who you will bump into (my friend was not wearing any make up at all!)

Rule 3 - always keep yourself informed on what is happening in the world and make yourself to be sociable and knowledgeable.  There is a term I invented recently - never be a social retard.

Rule 4 - know yourself and amplify your strengths in interaction. I believe everyone is different. Some may be playful, some may be humorous, some may be more caring, some may be more organized etc... It really does not matter. The key is how to present yourself in front of other people, especially in front of a potential date. You have to know what your selling point(s) are and then amplify them so as to make yourself attractive to others. Whether he likes it or not it really does not matter but I do believe the important point is having a distinctive character that makes you stand out from others.

Rule 5 - know how to be a woman but not a girl. We are getting older and presumably we should get more matured. No guys would like to date a girl. So think how to become more matured. Social skills is one key aspect. Be knowledgeable is another key.

Rule 6 - most importantly have a bit of sexuality. It is quite hard to define this but in short know how to flirt and be playful at the right time, and give out the right subtle signals if you like someone. Girls should always be a bit more proactive in asking guys out. No harm in that. Make use of the mutual friend to arrange some more activities. If he is smart, he should be able to pick it up. Likewise guys should learn to be a bit more proactive in asking girls out. Well a lot do but a lot seem to need a "consultant" to suggest how to proceed.

Rule 7 - enjoy the meeting. Even if he is a dork it is just a meeting of 1-2 hours. Just enjoy the process.

Happy dating :-)


k  xoxo   
 

Fillens

Dearest ML,

Congrats again on passing and yeah no more exams and study :P

I came across a magazine called Fillens long ago. It is a bi-monthly magazine in Hong Kong that targets at amateur female photographer readership. You were in Hong Kong before you may be aware how big camera is so popular here (something that I cannot see in US, the Americans are more crazy about sports LOL)

I did not read Fillens at that time until today when I came around it in my favorite columnist on newspaper. She wrote about how girls are using photography to express their feelings, as a medium to improve communication with their significant others, and most importantly as a sign of independence.

We are both into photographs (though you are more professional than I am!). Take a look at Fillens when you have time. Fillens is actually a combo of "Fille" (French word of girl) and "lens". Meaningful huh?

They got some really good pics. I glanced through the columnists but they are just so-so. Anyway cannot expect too much, like everything else in life :-) 


k   xoxo

Friendship

Dearest ML,

I am in a bit of doubt in figuring out "friendship". I am not sure if it is my problem now but I found "friends" are pretty reluctant to meet me up. I am trying not to take it personally but it seems everyone seems so busy, especially in Hong Kong.

And what is worst is even if we agree to meet up (kinda like "oh let's touch base today to see how we feel") and this is the exact reaction that I dislike, as I know we are not going to meet up for sure.

Right now I am still enjoying my very free time before heading back to US to meet M, I can for sure understand why others are so busy (or put it this way why I am so un-busy). So maybe that is why their reaction triggers a lot of "reaction" from me.

Not sure if you have any thoughts on this?


k   xoxo 

Lin-sanity

Dearest ML,

Everyone in Hong Kong / China is talking about Jeremy Lin. I am not exactly a NBA fans but am equally intrigued by his story, and how he made it to his success today.

There are already tons of articles on this, but here is the one that I think is so meaningful:

10 Lessons Jeremy Lin Can Teach Us Before We Go to Work Monday

Summarizing the key points from the article -

1. Believe in yourself when nobody does
2. Seize the opportunity when it comes up
3. Your family will be there for you, so be there for them
4. Find the system that works your style, particularly you’ve got to do your best to understand what your strengths are and then ensure that you’re in a system (a job or organization or industry) that is a good fit for those strengths.
5. Don't overlook talent that might exist around you today on your team (to me it means make no assumption)  
6. Be yourself - I truly agree with the author, Judy Garland said it best "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
7. Stay humble, it will make people love you more
8. Make others look good
9. Never forget the importance of luck or fate and be grateful
10. Work your butt off - "there is simply no shortcut to hard work" and "you can only control what you control and that means you've got to work harder than anyone else you know"

You know what? The above should really be printed and put it next to my bed so that I can keep reminding myself every night and every morning!

Finally I think you will like this one - from an article on NY Times on Lin:

(from Romans 5:3-5):

suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us.

k   xoxo

Cafe Kai Xin Guo

Dearest ML, 

Finally with feet back to Hong Kong and time on the blog. Read newspaper on the flight about Cafe Kai Xin Guo which is cafe on Chinese Tea opened and operated by a 35 years old Japanese. It was an inspiring interview in which he is a Japanese in love with the Chinese language and culture. So he wanna do something that can promote the cultural exchange between Chinese and Japanese and decided to study Chinese as his second language when in university.

Upon graduation, he spent some time to figure out what he wants to do, and decided to write down his qualities one by one (say outgoing, like to talk to people, in love with Chinese culture etc...), about 100 of them and then consolidated... and created this cafe in Shanghai that literally fits in his interests and what he is passionate about.

Then I realized - hey we can do a similar exercise like this. Stop complaining about the (damn) work as we can all participate to create our own work, regardless it is part-time or full time.

Life is only beautiful when we have a dream and passion and try our best to implement our goals.

Going to Whistler is actually one of my dreams. I am so happy that I have made it. Every year I try to travel to one place that I really wanna go. So right now it is time to recuperate, focus on my income stream and... work out my next destination list!


k  xoxo

Work

Dearest ML,

A stupid question to ask - do you think we really have to "work"? Work meaning to have a job and get a pay check, despite you may face ridiculous and unreasonable boss, despite you may not learn anything new from the routine job.

My parents thought I need to work. To me work is more like generating income and ideally accumulate wealth. If I can generate sufficient income to support my daily expenses and assuming this is something that I enjoy doing, do you think we still need to work?

And life is not exactly about "money" or "wealth". We can be poor but do something we truly enjoy or bring meaning to others. If so, what's the point of "work"?

I do not foresee going back to the corporate world for the time being. I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy taking risks, I enjoy doing something that bring benefits back to the community. And honestly my family is not under any financial pressure, I do not understand why they insist I need to "work". 

Your view please?


k  xoxo

Letting go and getting strong

Dearest ML,

Thanks for your long email! I finally have time to respond and summarized what I wrote to you on whatsapp.

R wrote you something on Facebook. You replied, then you got his short reply. Then you were upset by his short reply, and all the memories flooded back. Did you see any pattern in this and WHY you were upset?

Could it have been your over-expectation on him - that you expect him to feel for you in the same degree as you do?

I can certainly understand your frustration on his reply. What a jerk! But what else can you expect from him? What you had with him is the end, finished. Like what I suggested, try practice selective memory. Hold the good memories and let go of the bad ones. Remember the bad memories do no good to your well being. Keep saying your brain is small, you got your study to do may help as well :)

Likewise, my memory for B is fading. And it took me more than one year to do so. There is really no short cut in this. I wish there were some button for letting go once and for all. It is a gradual process. with no short cut. When you do let go, you may be surprised how much time it takes, or how much little time it takes.

And next time if R approaches you again, DO NOT REPLY. Do not give him any sort of feedback. Let him speculate. If a guy is interested in you, he will approach you again. And this is really true. Guys in Hong Kong have been surrounded by "aggressive" ladies and almost forgot this golden rule. It is the time for you to sit back, and prioritize what you really want to do in your life.

I am also sorry to hear about your unhappiness story with your last job in Hong Kong. Being cheated is definitely not good. Being bad mouth behind your back is worst. But one thing you have to realize - both incidents are out of your control. You cannot control how people feel about you, how they talk about you (even after you left). The key is to control what you can control.

In this universe there is one person you need to come clean with, and this is yourself. Take time to reflect if there is any area you may have handled better, and without focus on the harm and damage on what others have done on you.

Focus on what you learn from the incident - say would it be better to keep a safe distance with your colleagues, or not being so trusting to your boss / colleagues, or even say to be a stronger person so that you will be less affected by others' comments? 

I always talk about being a stronger person. It stems from inside but not outside. It is the feeling of self confidence, competency and being content with yourself (work, friends, family, love life etc). You may have done all things perfect but without any recognition or praise from others. So what? For me, I'd rather focus on coming clean with yourself, that you can sleep tight at night, and that you feel happy about yourself.

This is what really matters.

You wrote about the "why me" mentality. Will you ask yourself this when good things happen on you? You cannot expect life to be without any hurdle, right?


k  xoxo

Transforming Ex into Friends

Dearest ML,

Hope your D day went well!! Look forward to your great news :)

Had a very nice catch up with my ex last night. Our relationship surprisingly has been well after breakup, to the extent I am still trying to understand what caused the smooth transition. He was the one who brought up the breakup and caught me out of guard, I should be the one with negative feelings. But in reality, I am quite happy with our status quo now.

Why? Put it this way, sometimes a guy may better be a friend than boyfriend. We girls always have special list of "requirements" for boyfriend. For this ex, obviously he performs a better friend than boyfriend due to a lot of reasons, partly due to his job, partly due to his own mentality. All these are out of my control.

When I was in relationship with him, I had no complaint. I accepted this and I was head over heels for him (I think I am still so today, ha!). But on hindsight, we all deserve the best. M is currently the best for me. I still have no complaint for M which is kind of rare :)

How I see our relationship now with this ex? It is kind of like "divorced couple but with very good friendship". We care about each other, we share and talk a lot. He will always have a special place in my heart. I do not know about vice versa but probably so. I even asked the fortune teller about him, and prediction came back positive. Ha!  

I had my doubts if I should ask if he's seeing anyone. I was a bit confused if I still have the fantasy that we shall get back together, and if so I will get upset upon hearing his answer for that question. Eventually I did ask him in person last night, and he said he has been casually seeing someone for a few months. 

Thought I will get upset but surprisingly I did not. On second thought I am genuinely happy for him - whether he is single / seeing anyone / even getting married and have kids, it really does not matter. I want him to be happy. I feel like our relationship actually transcends to another level.

Unfortunately I do not have any more ex like him. This may be a good thing if not I will be very busy catching up with each of them :0) Most of my exes are like strangers - either I do not have interests to keep in touch with them, or they treat me as strangers.

But does it mean I hate any of them? No, because I understand guys are kind of like buses, they come and go. When a suitable bus comes, you hop along, and hop off at the destination. And then the bus will be gone. Sometimes you will catch the same bus again, but most of the time, you do not even see the same bus.

I know you still have grudges with R, hope this post will give you some inspiration. Does he worth to be your friends? If not, you may be happier to see him as a bus. You had your ride, you had fun and sweet memories and that's it.

He is just a bus.

So if you ask me if there is any formula to transform ex into friends? The answer is no, I do not have specific formula. If so I feel like I may become a millionaire by selling books of this sort! However I realize it does take two for the transition. So first question is are you ready? And even if you are ready, you have to assess if the other party is equipped with the maturity for the same transition and whether he is worthwhile to become your friends. 

We talked about this before, it does take time for the transition and most importantly, more time to maintain this type of close friendship.


k  xoxo

Japanese Women and Japanese Culture

Dearest ML,

My friend S who is an intelligent Japanese woman is having a tough time. She is very smart but I do think she is living in a wrong culture that does not appreciate her. We had a few email exchange on this and the "real" Japanese culture. It is funny how a lot of Hong Kong people / foreigners are fascinated about the Japanese culture but how much do they really know about it?

With her permission, here is how S sees it. A little bit more background about S, she is approaching 30, speaks fluent English and Japanese with good degrees but struggling to find a job. Why?

- Japanese is "expected" to be high conforming / obeying & suppressed, and it is difficult to break the "norm".

- Women without make-up will get bad impression and disliked by both women and men. So Japanese women spend a lot of time on putting on (heavy) makeup and spend a lot of time on clothes. I think they are really concerned about their appearance and how people perceive them, and thus conforming into the social role with a particular mode of behavior.

- They are also taught to behave in good manners and play the "role" perfectly. But as we all know this is not 100% of the case and so they feel very frustrated, and they bad mouth their colleagues behind their back, behave and talk very differently among women or close friends / co-workers.

People from other countries say Japanese women are quiet, obedient and beautiful. But they are shockingly two-faced (in S exact wordings), as in multiple personality disorder. They are not allowed to express their opinion freely and the only way to relieve stress is behind the back.

When S was working at the airport, some colleagues asked her for gathering but they were badmouthing other colleagues for 8 hours (I cannot believe this!). They act so nicely in front of them yet hate them actually. She received this sort of invitation sometimes but eventually dropped the idea of going as it had always been a 8 hour bad mouth competition.

OMG, how tiring that will be!!

- Japanese practices the age hierarchy where people judge other people simply by their age. In S terms, some people behave like a king / queen just because they are older than you, even one year old than you.

More than once, I heard about Japanese women do not receive same wage treatment as with their male co-worker. It means even if they are doing the same job, they do not receive the same wage.

I once watched a TV program on how Japanese women were being treated in the job market. They can get entry level job, and then a few years most of them will quit to stay home and take care of the kids. Promotional prospect is minimal.

Having said that, I am truly happy that I do not live in Japan! I mean if I think I am not a Chinese in Hong Kong society, very likely I will commit suicide in Japan if I were a Japanese!

Why am I writing this blog post? Nothing will change unless we do something about it. So S, think about it again - if you wanna a change you can move to some other places (especially you now have D), conduct advocacy campaign, join in an organization to gather similar voices and do something. This is how I see it. You may not change this overnight (nobody can) but to have a change, someone must take a lead and do something.

And that person can be you.


k  xoxo

Making Decision

Dearest ML,

Everyday we make endless decisions. I guess one of the keys is to make a decision after evaluating realistic facts.

Echoing my previous blog post, if there is no hope in finding love in a hopeless place, why not go somewhere else? The world is not hopeless. Hong Kong is hopeless in that aspect only doesn't mean the rest of the world is like that.

And right now I am in the junction of what to do with my life. I have a lot of ideas yet I am not sure if any of them will work out. But I think the key is it really does not matter. Life is a journey. Assuming the destination for everyone is the same (I mean death - not heaven or hell) then what matters most is the journey itself.

We can all take lead to steer how our life to be, and you pointed it out exactly. So, yes I will spend some time on the Tibet trip and evaluate possibilities. I think it will be awesome.


k  xoxo

We Found Love (in a hopeless place)

Dearest ML,

Thanks for sharing with me this song by Rihanna & the lyrics. Did you watch the video (also in the same link), its all about sex / lust, drugs and death (?)

Of course this is just a song / MV but I would not expect to find love in a hopeless place, which is a major reason why I went to the States.

You mentioned that what I wrote about Hong Kong and the dating scene of expats is true. If so what is the point of still "hoping" to find love in a hopeless place? This is totally self-contradictory.

This brought me to think - we girls do have a tendency to have dreams, the dreams of something may / will happen (say for example find love in hopeless place). But if we all know the chance is slim (to very slim), then what's the point of still having this hope?

Yes I agree we should all have hope(s), but at the same time, need to control our hopes so that we are able to manage our expectations realistically.

You mentioned to me you have / had a hope that by your age now you will find a boyfriend / get engaged / be successful in your career. I just wanna add - do not put a age limit on your hope. This is totally unnecessary. The more you think about it, the more you will be disappointed by an imaginary age limit which does no good but give unnecessary pressure onto yourself.

Likewise a lot of girls in Hong Kong do have a tendency to think like that, say "oh I need to get married by 30 and have kids". Stop it. The more you think about it, the more you will have a tendency of rushing into marriage and end up having even more problems.

And like what I said before finding a BF / get engaged may not be the solution but beginning of more problems. Who knows? May be this is part of my hesitation with M (not sex, silly!). I told you on email I am not used to believe in marriage. I do not think it will work in sustaining any relationship. But rather it is more on the mental issue - "are you ready to spend the rest of life with this person in spite of the death, illness and all difficulties and resist all temptations". The wedding vow should not be just a sentence spoken at the wedding ceremony, it is a "mandate" that should be honored with or without the wedding certificate. Of course the wedding certificate does have its purpose (say legal status and thus tax issues etc) but I would see more on the issue "am I ready to honor the mandate yet?"

If the answer is "not yet", then probably I should not accept any ring.

Yes it has been half a year of transition. Life is full of transition. I am undergoing it, you are as well. I think there are a few principles that I will try to stick with, do my best, and see what fate has arranged for us.

Good luck with your exam, I really hope you can make it this time!!!



k  xoxo

PS - I have been re-reading your email you wrote "I guess I just wished I had the comfort of a boyfriend who could help me to feel like I can accomplish and do/be anything and he would back me up". On 2nd thought, M actually does give me this sense of feeling. I told him before he is like my cheerleader who supports me and feels like I can accomplish anything I would like to do, and not to mention he does provide such an environment on this. So this should be a big plus side :) 
 

"I'd rather be alone"

Dearest ML,

On 2nd thought, I think I will write a blog post on this.

This is the line that B said on that night as breakup reason in spite we did not have much argument etc... It just came out of nowhere.

Like what I wrote previously, I found it is just a complete BS and what makes me feel resentful as of today. It is a statement that also reflects his selfishness, immaturity and insensitivity and how he sees me as a dump ass.

Regardless, the purpose of my blog post is... if you ever wanna breakup with someone, please do not use this line. It brings so much pain and sorrow to the other party.

Like everything else, breakup does need a bit of "marketing" and packaging to minimize the hurt and damage.


k  xoxo

Relationship with A Future

Dearest ML,

Thanks for sharing with me the updates with R and your ex. I wrote in another email reply to my friend S on how I see relationship now - I prefer to have a relationship with a future.

Your romance with R is full of passion but for whatever reasons it ended up short. I sort of joked about my romance history that I can write a book about it hehe. Nothing to brag about but I had those days with a relationship like that, so much indulgence, full of passion etc but no future. Maybe it was me not ready to settle down. But the norm of dating expats in Hong Kong is... they seldom talk about future. They never see Hong Kong as their home / place to stay for long term. How can you expect someone like that, in a "transitional phase" to make any commitment?

I realize we all have different chapters in life, with different focuses. And guys, are more like ornaments. It is good to have them, but it is OK not to have them because they are "ornaments" but not necessity. What is more important is our believes, our values, and how we see ourselves.

You asked me how I settle in US life. I can say I enjoy it a lot. Last night I had a brief discussion with M, I think he has made me a happier person. He is more like a cheerleader to me, to support me emotionally, and give me room to fulfill my dreams. And our relationship is a relationship with future - I "sort of" know where we are heading to and nothing like what I had in the past where the guy may just dump you in one second and said "I prefer to be alone" (on hindsight such a BS and this is part of the reason why I still feel resentment for him).

Another reason I guess is living in the States where I have less things to worry about compared to Hong Kong, and not to mention a "better" environment with less pollution and people!

But of course the "location" is not exactly the main point - the key is the place where you can find happiness, where you can find meaning in whatever you are doing.

So in my next chapter of life, I guess this relationship is going to play a bit of part. Even though I see guys are ornaments, it is still good to have one when you find a good one :)

 
k  xoxo 
                                                                                                                                               

De-facebook

Dearest ML,

Funny that you brought up the topic about Facebook in our last email and that you are spending much less time on it. On the contrary, I found myself spending comparatively more time on it in view I have been in the States. It is indeed a good way to stay in touch with friends but there are certain aspects that I dislike about Facebook -

1. Privacy - I value my privacy and I would not prefer to disclose everything on that platform.

2. And you do bring up one good point - comparison. Am I comparing my life with others on Facebook even unconsciously? You know my facebook I check it but I seldom make new posting. So in a way I do know how others are doing, how my ex is having a great time with his GF etc... And not to mention a lot of my high school / uni-mates are married with kids now with a few more babies on the way. So I have to ask myself - do I have any benefit from "peeking" into others' life?

3. I'd appreciate a more in-depth approach to my genuine friends whereas I do not see how I can benefit from leaving note / 1 line on their wall?

I cannot agree with you more that Facebook can be toxic. I know people start to de-facebook for various reasons. Some of my friends never have Facebook and they still survive! So maybe I will do that one day, but for the time being, I know I am not yet ready and prefer to leave the status quo.


k  xoxo

Used Furniture Theory

Dearest ML,

Like my whatsapp discussed, what if we see our ex as "used furniture"?

Then -

1. He is an object. It is not necessary to attach too much emotions onto "it".

2. What if he is dating somebody else? He is an "used furniture" and I do not want "it" / it doesn't fit me anymore. Please feel free to take it & make use of it.

Seriously, I only wish I could have realized this a little bit earlier. Then I guess I can omit quite a bit of sorrow and unhappiness for that piece of "used furniture".

Revelation is - at the end of the day it all depends on our interpretation. And a smart girl will interpret the story in an angle that causes less pain and emotional distress.


k  xoxo