Dearest E,
This is what I read from one of my favorite columnist "Ask Amy" from "Rejected in Chicago" today:
"Dear Amy: I am a 26 year old woman who has kissed many frogs, and by "many" I mean that every single guy I have been with is a frog.
I've been seeing a guy who I thought was the answer to my prayers. He said all the right things.
We became intimate on our third date, now I have heard nothing from him.
He texted me after he got home from our third date, but nothing after that/ I have tried contacting him twice (via text) since then, to no avail. It's been a few days since that third date. and I am asking your advice as to how I should move forward.
Should I keep trying to contact him, or just to move on?
Rejected in Chicago"
Why I am posting this? Because I saw myself in this story. I won't call the guys I was seeing as "frogs" (nor I do not understand why she did it) but what she encountered is definitely not something new, and I am sure it will happen to other girls too.
Let's hear what Amy said:
"Dear Rejected:
By "being intimate" I assume that you and Mr Frog had sex.
Being sexual with someone is not the route to intimacy that you seem to think it is. However it is the path most often taken by frogs.
If you had extended your conversation with this guy on that fateful third date, instead of having sex with him, you would have learned more about him and become more intimate. And you wouldn't be so reactive, needy and confused now.
If you are satisfied with occasional hookup, then keep doing what you're doing. But you are unhappy with your choices.
Rather than brand every man you date a frog, the most logical remedy is for you to change everything about your own behavior in this area of your life.
When you do that, you will draw a different kind of person toward you."
For me, Amy is kinda vague about her answer. But certainly some points are definitely true:
1. Some frogs tend to use sex to build intimacy, which leads girls to think or believe like that too.
2. However most of the times, we girls would like to have something more than sex. And that's the challenging part - striking a good balance of intimacy and when exactly to have sex.
3. I agree with Amy, it actually depends on what YOU want.
4. If a frog is focused on sex only, he will move on to another target if there is no sex happening.
5. If he sees building up intimacy more than sex, and sees you as a good candidate to build it up, he will invest time into this.
Nobody can tell exactly when to have sex or the intimacy level. It all depends on how you feel about yourself, how well you know about him, the communication between you two, what you would like to have from the relationship etc.
As for me, at age 26?? It is typical to go through what "rejected" is going through. It is the age of evolving. Nobody is born to be smart. It is all learn by experience.
Rejection hurts, nobody likes that. But like I said many times before, it is an inevitable part of dating / relationship.
Believe me, a lot of frogs at age 26 (or around that age) do tend to think sex comes first than anything else (or replace "work" with the word "sex"). Some guys evolve, and some do not. It is important to keep adjusting your own expectation too.
And what Amy said is so true - it also depends on where you are looking for frogs. Say for example assume you meet someone in clubbing / social parties, how would you expect him to build up intimacy via talking / texting?
Which is why always remember: whatever happens, yourself comes first. Love yourself more. When you have that belief built up, you will begin to have self-confidence in yourself, and tend to get less hurt by what happens.
k xoxo
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationship. Show all posts
Friday, July 20, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Not a peaceful breakup
Dearest E,
I am so happy you shared your story with me and sorry again to hear what happened in the restaurant where the girlfriend of your ex scolded you out of nowhere in the public.
To begin with, there are only two types of breakup in the world - peaceful breakup and not-peaceful breakup. Peaceful breakup to me is kind of rare as it involves the mutual understanding of two parties and reach the consensus of breakup. However, peaceful breakup also does not mean the relationship can be transformed to "friendship", as again it requires the mutual effort & maturity from both parties.
We girls do tend to have a tendency to expect ex to become friends again whereas boys tend not to have this tendency. My favourite quote is "let things evolve" / "time will tell" but most importantly the core message is "not to have any expectation".
Why? When you do not have expectation, you will be less likely to feel disappointed.
When you do not have expectation, you will not be the one to take the first move and be rejected if he is not responding.
When you do not have expectations, your focus will be put on yourself instead of the counter party.
Personally I had peaceful breakup and not-peaceful breakup. To be specific I used to be the one to dump the other party first until one day the trend got reversed. Of course it hurt, I felt devastated but I survived.
Breakup is an inevitable part in dating (unless you are the rare lucky ones who got married with your puppy lover). So in the end, we all need to learn how to deal with breakup in a smarter way.
As with the act of that girl, my only comment is do not learn from her. We all have "class", and that girl has no class. There is no need to talk to her again, and sorry to say she is not even your friend.
Feel better soon
k xoxo
I am so happy you shared your story with me and sorry again to hear what happened in the restaurant where the girlfriend of your ex scolded you out of nowhere in the public.
To begin with, there are only two types of breakup in the world - peaceful breakup and not-peaceful breakup. Peaceful breakup to me is kind of rare as it involves the mutual understanding of two parties and reach the consensus of breakup. However, peaceful breakup also does not mean the relationship can be transformed to "friendship", as again it requires the mutual effort & maturity from both parties.
We girls do tend to have a tendency to expect ex to become friends again whereas boys tend not to have this tendency. My favourite quote is "let things evolve" / "time will tell" but most importantly the core message is "not to have any expectation".
Why? When you do not have expectation, you will be less likely to feel disappointed.
When you do not have expectation, you will not be the one to take the first move and be rejected if he is not responding.
When you do not have expectations, your focus will be put on yourself instead of the counter party.
Personally I had peaceful breakup and not-peaceful breakup. To be specific I used to be the one to dump the other party first until one day the trend got reversed. Of course it hurt, I felt devastated but I survived.
Breakup is an inevitable part in dating (unless you are the rare lucky ones who got married with your puppy lover). So in the end, we all need to learn how to deal with breakup in a smarter way.
As with the act of that girl, my only comment is do not learn from her. We all have "class", and that girl has no class. There is no need to talk to her again, and sorry to say she is not even your friend.
Feel better soon
k xoxo
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Quizás Quizás Quizás
Dearest ML,
Oh boy I must have been lazy... My last blog post was 3 weeks ago!!! Yes it seems to me this is indeed the first blog post written in LA again.
While the search for myself remains on, I have been reading different newspapers everyday. There is one column that I really like in Hong Kong, it is about the relationship of a financial journalist with her Mr Big: how two independent person coming along together gradually, her struggle if she should spend the night in his giant condo etc.... Very interesting.
As one reader pointed out in her comment, she wrote in a very Hong Kong style way. I have difficulty in describing what exactly is "Hong Kong style" way, in short it is Hong Kong style, something I miss after not in the city for a while.
This time she wrote about her university friend YY who studied abroad in the States, first time to learn how to take care of herself, first time to learn how to cook, go to the supermarket, to have a boyfriend and unfortunately broke up.
Devastated, she decided to go to Mexico alone.
In an unknown city unknown small bar full of strangers and Spanish, she heard this song "Quizas Quizas Quiza", a song that she heard 10,000 times when she broke up. Suddenly her secrets was revealed again unexpectedly.
"But when all the others are actually so normal and drinking coffee, chatting, I finally realized how naive I have been. I finally realized one thing: a song is just a song: it can be sad or neutral, or nothing. The same applies to a man," she wrote on a post card that the author still keeps it today.
Yes, a man is just a man! We all have our heart broken before, but a man is just a man. And today I read the Ask Amy column again, someone who had the history of "cut and run" would like to have her ex again. Amy just said "the best you can do is to let him go", and specified that "someone with a tendency to cut and run will have a tendency to do it again".
Then I thought about my ex(es), and your R, and realized one thing: a man is just a man. A man with a tendency to "cut and run" will likely to do it again. Whoever he / they are seeing now, good luck with them.
k xoxo
Oh boy I must have been lazy... My last blog post was 3 weeks ago!!! Yes it seems to me this is indeed the first blog post written in LA again.
While the search for myself remains on, I have been reading different newspapers everyday. There is one column that I really like in Hong Kong, it is about the relationship of a financial journalist with her Mr Big: how two independent person coming along together gradually, her struggle if she should spend the night in his giant condo etc.... Very interesting.
As one reader pointed out in her comment, she wrote in a very Hong Kong style way. I have difficulty in describing what exactly is "Hong Kong style" way, in short it is Hong Kong style, something I miss after not in the city for a while.
This time she wrote about her university friend YY who studied abroad in the States, first time to learn how to take care of herself, first time to learn how to cook, go to the supermarket, to have a boyfriend and unfortunately broke up.
Devastated, she decided to go to Mexico alone.
In an unknown city unknown small bar full of strangers and Spanish, she heard this song "Quizas Quizas Quiza", a song that she heard 10,000 times when she broke up. Suddenly her secrets was revealed again unexpectedly.
"But when all the others are actually so normal and drinking coffee, chatting, I finally realized how naive I have been. I finally realized one thing: a song is just a song: it can be sad or neutral, or nothing. The same applies to a man," she wrote on a post card that the author still keeps it today.
Yes, a man is just a man! We all have our heart broken before, but a man is just a man. And today I read the Ask Amy column again, someone who had the history of "cut and run" would like to have her ex again. Amy just said "the best you can do is to let him go", and specified that "someone with a tendency to cut and run will have a tendency to do it again".
Then I thought about my ex(es), and your R, and realized one thing: a man is just a man. A man with a tendency to "cut and run" will likely to do it again. Whoever he / they are seeing now, good luck with them.
k xoxo
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
One Love Story
Dearest ML,
Sometimes we just forgot how love / marriage should be, and that's why I posted this for you. It is about the love story of a young couple (24!) and they got married because he did not have long to live.
Click here.
Maybe you watched it already :)
k xoxo
Sometimes we just forgot how love / marriage should be, and that's why I posted this for you. It is about the love story of a young couple (24!) and they got married because he did not have long to live.
Click here.
Maybe you watched it already :)
k xoxo
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Strategy, strategy, strategy
Dearest ML,
One of my theories in dating is "strategy". Here is one perfect example to illustrate, originates from an article I read on newspaper yesterday:
There is a theory in war. The real winning and losing is determined before the war itself. Those who took initiative is the losing side. There is no doubt about it.
Today she asked him out, he can tell it is not a good thing. Last week they started dating. On the evening of the second date, he kissed her.
No rejection, but not much reaction. She just closed her eyes and stood there quietly, feeling the heat from his lips. This was a kiss that would not last long.
But since the relationship had already begun, he did not mind carrying it forward. He thought things would unwind eventually. He felt a little bit of uneasy because of another man.
He was someone whom they met on the same day in the same work related occasion. He obviously was the "better" one.
He can tell him he was not competitive, and he could also tell that she was attracted to him from the very beginning.
Things may not have happened for two person who are mutually attracted to each other. As long as nobody takes the first move, nothing will happen.
He gave sufficient time to both of them, he took initiative only when he felt like nothing would happen between them.
Things were smooth than he thought, she accepted him despite the way of expressing his admiration and love was a bit clumsy.
He can feel that she was relaxed, obviously because it marked the end of the struggle with the other he. She must have said to that guy "great, there is no need to struggle anymore with you. You are nothing!"
Today she gave him a call, saying there was something serious for discussion after work. She sounded serious.
"I told him that we started our relationship"
"What is his reaction?"
"He asked me, how come that was not me?"
"I said I never knew you liked me"
"..."
"I am sorry, we have started seeing each other."
No astonishment but only the sad loneliness from the loser.
If we step outside the box, in fact that he lost the game too. She was the mastermind.
---------------------
Such a brilliant story!
k xoxo
One of my theories in dating is "strategy". Here is one perfect example to illustrate, originates from an article I read on newspaper yesterday:
There is a theory in war. The real winning and losing is determined before the war itself. Those who took initiative is the losing side. There is no doubt about it.
Today she asked him out, he can tell it is not a good thing. Last week they started dating. On the evening of the second date, he kissed her.
No rejection, but not much reaction. She just closed her eyes and stood there quietly, feeling the heat from his lips. This was a kiss that would not last long.
But since the relationship had already begun, he did not mind carrying it forward. He thought things would unwind eventually. He felt a little bit of uneasy because of another man.
He was someone whom they met on the same day in the same work related occasion. He obviously was the "better" one.
He can tell him he was not competitive, and he could also tell that she was attracted to him from the very beginning.
Things may not have happened for two person who are mutually attracted to each other. As long as nobody takes the first move, nothing will happen.
He gave sufficient time to both of them, he took initiative only when he felt like nothing would happen between them.
Things were smooth than he thought, she accepted him despite the way of expressing his admiration and love was a bit clumsy.
He can feel that she was relaxed, obviously because it marked the end of the struggle with the other he. She must have said to that guy "great, there is no need to struggle anymore with you. You are nothing!"
Today she gave him a call, saying there was something serious for discussion after work. She sounded serious.
"I told him that we started our relationship"
"What is his reaction?"
"He asked me, how come that was not me?"
"I said I never knew you liked me"
"..."
"I am sorry, we have started seeing each other."
No astonishment but only the sad loneliness from the loser.
If we step outside the box, in fact that he lost the game too. She was the mastermind.
---------------------
Such a brilliant story!
k xoxo
Sunday, April 1, 2012
After Breakup
Dearest ML,
Again another inspiration by Black so Black to share:
She once vowed to her wedding ring that she will only wear it once in her life. She will not take it off after it is put onto her finger. Even facing infidelity by her partner she will still honor the wedding vow, and never fall in love with another party.
Three years later, she felt in love with a friend who had been staying around with her for years and they formed their own family. When she vowed again, the hatred on her face disappeared.
She cried desperately asking for suicide. She cannot live without him. She was like this for 40 days after he left her. She felt like the sky has collapsed, that nobody could understand how she feels, and knowing that she cannot meet anyone who deserves her love and whom she fell in love so deeply.
Fast forward one year later, she met her current partner in volunteering. She saw there are so many things that need her help and grew mature. Love can come in again only when she opened her heart. He and she have been together, in peace. The power of love not only serves these two people, love helps in serving more people who are in need.
The love of his life betrayed him. He cannot trust any woman. Arrogance left him in hatred and negative emotions for a few years. Until one day he met someone who is simple and kind, and shines through his life like a fresh ray of light. He saw how he did not understand women, how he committed mistakes and hurt them in the past. Now he can experience love is to forgive the pain and sin in the past with a gentle loving smile. He felt enormously gracious, and learned how to love himself and others.
She loved him over a decade and never want to let go. She thought she cannot fall in love again, she is destined to be a victim and she cannot handle any hurt. At the same time, she finds herself very hard to fall in love with someone. After living in despair for 4 years, they met, fell in love and made them calm, mature and understanding. She cannot be happier.
These real stories of break up are meant to share with those who are afraid of break up. There is no inseparable relationship to begin with, except the intimate self-loving relationship. You have to give time to heal the wound, and there is no need to shut the door. You never know what sort of gift God has arranged to you after you open up yourself to experience growth.
There is no reason for you to miss this.
My thoughts:
We all have breakups. It is so rare that we will end up with only one lover in our life these days. Some relationships are longer, some are brief and short. Every relationship counts. We have to learn how to deal with break up, to learn from others and to learn how we may grow from it. It is the only way where we may minimize the pain.
We also have to learn to look forward. The best is yet to come.
k xoxo
Again another inspiration by Black so Black to share:
She once vowed to her wedding ring that she will only wear it once in her life. She will not take it off after it is put onto her finger. Even facing infidelity by her partner she will still honor the wedding vow, and never fall in love with another party.
Three years later, she felt in love with a friend who had been staying around with her for years and they formed their own family. When she vowed again, the hatred on her face disappeared.
She cried desperately asking for suicide. She cannot live without him. She was like this for 40 days after he left her. She felt like the sky has collapsed, that nobody could understand how she feels, and knowing that she cannot meet anyone who deserves her love and whom she fell in love so deeply.
Fast forward one year later, she met her current partner in volunteering. She saw there are so many things that need her help and grew mature. Love can come in again only when she opened her heart. He and she have been together, in peace. The power of love not only serves these two people, love helps in serving more people who are in need.
The love of his life betrayed him. He cannot trust any woman. Arrogance left him in hatred and negative emotions for a few years. Until one day he met someone who is simple and kind, and shines through his life like a fresh ray of light. He saw how he did not understand women, how he committed mistakes and hurt them in the past. Now he can experience love is to forgive the pain and sin in the past with a gentle loving smile. He felt enormously gracious, and learned how to love himself and others.
She loved him over a decade and never want to let go. She thought she cannot fall in love again, she is destined to be a victim and she cannot handle any hurt. At the same time, she finds herself very hard to fall in love with someone. After living in despair for 4 years, they met, fell in love and made them calm, mature and understanding. She cannot be happier.
These real stories of break up are meant to share with those who are afraid of break up. There is no inseparable relationship to begin with, except the intimate self-loving relationship. You have to give time to heal the wound, and there is no need to shut the door. You never know what sort of gift God has arranged to you after you open up yourself to experience growth.
There is no reason for you to miss this.
My thoughts:
We all have breakups. It is so rare that we will end up with only one lover in our life these days. Some relationships are longer, some are brief and short. Every relationship counts. We have to learn how to deal with break up, to learn from others and to learn how we may grow from it. It is the only way where we may minimize the pain.
We also have to learn to look forward. The best is yet to come.
k xoxo
Break up Properly
Dearest ML,
This is the topic wrote by my favorite columnist, Black so Black. I tried to digest what she wrote to below -
It turns out a lot of couples break up by disappearing suddenly. There is no symptom, nor there is room for you to prepare for it. In the end it becomes so difficult for you to get adjusted for this sudden change in the status and creates a wound that is so deep that it takes a long time to heal.
Suddenly stop picking up calls, suddenly stop replying text message, suddenly move the stuff away, suddenly return the gifts, suddenly leave message like "do not contact me anymore" but without explanation and elaboration. They thought they leave like a wind and create no-fuss. But in reality they are creating a mess that is more messy than the messed up relationship and let the burden to the others while he or she can simply run away.
This is such a rude and irresponsible way of breaking up. Not only let the other party wandering in dismay, with the urge of wanting to know the truth even in the next life. This type of breakup also creates "fatal relationship" - a relationship that leaves the other party traumatized. It can also bring up the deep buried childhood fear: say the fear of being abandoned by parents, the fear of being left on the street while not sure the way of getting back home, the fear that the parents will no longer love us after their separation etc.
The type of breakup reinforces that these childhood fears to be real and true and makes people feel so helplessness. If not handled properly it may develop into unfortunate emotional sickness. I handled a lot of cases when clients thought it is so difficult to love again and to trust someone again. Some clients even thought of or attempted suicide.
To specify they are not particularly vulnerable people. A number of them told me that as long as the breakup was handled properly, give them room to deal with the vacancy period, they can actually take their time to accept the news and adapt.
A very sad aftermath of a bad breakup.
As a matter of fact, this situation can definitely be avoided. As long as when you break up you deal with it properly and face the aftermath, be it by a statement, elaboration, explain your point of views, give blessing to the other party before you leave. Prepare the other party that the relationship has come to a full stop, properly say thank you and good bye.
There is no inseparable relationship to begin with. You both can then move on without any burden.
A mature person will tell before leaving. They will clear up rubbish and avoid creating additional rubbish. You have to understand that by simply disappearing, what is left behind can create mistakes that can be irreversible.
Breakup properly. Disappearing suddenly only show how coward you are.
Needless to say, the passage did remind me of someone, someone whom I feel indifferent now. Time heals, but most importantly with more thinking and passages like this help me understand his mentality. It makes me realize how A-hole he actually is.
He simply does not deserve any of my time and energy.
k xoxo
This is the topic wrote by my favorite columnist, Black so Black. I tried to digest what she wrote to below -
It turns out a lot of couples break up by disappearing suddenly. There is no symptom, nor there is room for you to prepare for it. In the end it becomes so difficult for you to get adjusted for this sudden change in the status and creates a wound that is so deep that it takes a long time to heal.
Suddenly stop picking up calls, suddenly stop replying text message, suddenly move the stuff away, suddenly return the gifts, suddenly leave message like "do not contact me anymore" but without explanation and elaboration. They thought they leave like a wind and create no-fuss. But in reality they are creating a mess that is more messy than the messed up relationship and let the burden to the others while he or she can simply run away.
This is such a rude and irresponsible way of breaking up. Not only let the other party wandering in dismay, with the urge of wanting to know the truth even in the next life. This type of breakup also creates "fatal relationship" - a relationship that leaves the other party traumatized. It can also bring up the deep buried childhood fear: say the fear of being abandoned by parents, the fear of being left on the street while not sure the way of getting back home, the fear that the parents will no longer love us after their separation etc.
The type of breakup reinforces that these childhood fears to be real and true and makes people feel so helplessness. If not handled properly it may develop into unfortunate emotional sickness. I handled a lot of cases when clients thought it is so difficult to love again and to trust someone again. Some clients even thought of or attempted suicide.
To specify they are not particularly vulnerable people. A number of them told me that as long as the breakup was handled properly, give them room to deal with the vacancy period, they can actually take their time to accept the news and adapt.
A very sad aftermath of a bad breakup.
As a matter of fact, this situation can definitely be avoided. As long as when you break up you deal with it properly and face the aftermath, be it by a statement, elaboration, explain your point of views, give blessing to the other party before you leave. Prepare the other party that the relationship has come to a full stop, properly say thank you and good bye.
There is no inseparable relationship to begin with. You both can then move on without any burden.
A mature person will tell before leaving. They will clear up rubbish and avoid creating additional rubbish. You have to understand that by simply disappearing, what is left behind can create mistakes that can be irreversible.
Breakup properly. Disappearing suddenly only show how coward you are.
Needless to say, the passage did remind me of someone, someone whom I feel indifferent now. Time heals, but most importantly with more thinking and passages like this help me understand his mentality. It makes me realize how A-hole he actually is.
He simply does not deserve any of my time and energy.
k xoxo
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Museum of Broken Relationships
Dearest ML,
Another reason to go Croatia! I read news today about the Museum of Broken Relationships and I found it to be so amusing.
Put it this way, nowadays it seems to me that the odds for any relationship not to work out is far bigger than vice versa. So yes I am always intrigued by the subject matter, specifically what can we do to make ourselves feel a bit better at break up? How can we better deal with our exes?
Then I came across this article and this interesting museum. It is in fact set up by a ex-couple. They did not want to throw away their stuff, and set up a museum for it. Gradually people from around the world started to send "exhibits" and write a story about the exhibit and their love story, which can be sad, sorry, regret or hatred.
The museum actually inspires me to think:
1. You need to release your emotions on breakup.
2. You need to do some "ritual" as if it marks the end of the relationship "officially".
3. We actually do not need to send stuff to that museum. Do something - which can be crazy drinking, or take picture of the objects and write an article about it.
4. Most importantly accommodate the ex somewhere in your heart. Do not fight with yourself. Sometimes we are angry not with him but with ourselves: how come I was so dumb to get to know about him? How come I had loved him etc....
Accept the fact he was special to you before, and now he is no longer available.
Keep the guy radar on, and move on with our lives.
k xoxo
Another reason to go Croatia! I read news today about the Museum of Broken Relationships and I found it to be so amusing.
Put it this way, nowadays it seems to me that the odds for any relationship not to work out is far bigger than vice versa. So yes I am always intrigued by the subject matter, specifically what can we do to make ourselves feel a bit better at break up? How can we better deal with our exes?
Then I came across this article and this interesting museum. It is in fact set up by a ex-couple. They did not want to throw away their stuff, and set up a museum for it. Gradually people from around the world started to send "exhibits" and write a story about the exhibit and their love story, which can be sad, sorry, regret or hatred.
The museum actually inspires me to think:
1. You need to release your emotions on breakup.
2. You need to do some "ritual" as if it marks the end of the relationship "officially".
3. We actually do not need to send stuff to that museum. Do something - which can be crazy drinking, or take picture of the objects and write an article about it.
4. Most importantly accommodate the ex somewhere in your heart. Do not fight with yourself. Sometimes we are angry not with him but with ourselves: how come I was so dumb to get to know about him? How come I had loved him etc....
Accept the fact he was special to you before, and now he is no longer available.
Keep the guy radar on, and move on with our lives.
k xoxo
Monday, March 19, 2012
Ex-dar
Dearest ML,
Since we are talking about ex, I am happy to write a post on "ex-dar", inspired by the term "gay-dar".
We all need our ex-dar. Ex has become a circle of "friends". Whether we like it or not, they are there. We need to know how to deal with them. Similar to gay-dar, I do believe there are signs to pick up from your ex in formulating your strategy for him accordingly.
1. Access the situation
How did you guys break up? Was it in good terms or bad terms?
2. Who raised the breakup?
3. Is he still talking to you or not at all?
4. Does he has the maturity to be your friend again?
5. Have you forgotten the past and ready to move on?
6. Do you think he has forgotten the past and ready to move on?
Just a few aspects for you to consider in deciding the next move. I hate to be blunt but most of the times, guys do not want to keep friendship with their ex. This is a fact.
One thing we have to bear in mind - memory is selective. It means you choose what sort of memory to keep, what sort of memory not to keep. One guy told me recently, with his ex it is under selective memory (FYI they are no longer friends)
Go figure the rest. You are smart enough.
But in any case like what I said in the email "be a bitch", it means
1. If a guy would like to come after you, he will do that.
2. Think like a bitch
3. Act like a bitch
4. Believe you are a bitch
Sometimes you just need to "toughen up" a bit to prevent yourself from getting hurt again.
k xoxo
Since we are talking about ex, I am happy to write a post on "ex-dar", inspired by the term "gay-dar".
We all need our ex-dar. Ex has become a circle of "friends". Whether we like it or not, they are there. We need to know how to deal with them. Similar to gay-dar, I do believe there are signs to pick up from your ex in formulating your strategy for him accordingly.
1. Access the situation
How did you guys break up? Was it in good terms or bad terms?
2. Who raised the breakup?
3. Is he still talking to you or not at all?
4. Does he has the maturity to be your friend again?
5. Have you forgotten the past and ready to move on?
6. Do you think he has forgotten the past and ready to move on?
Just a few aspects for you to consider in deciding the next move. I hate to be blunt but most of the times, guys do not want to keep friendship with their ex. This is a fact.
One thing we have to bear in mind - memory is selective. It means you choose what sort of memory to keep, what sort of memory not to keep. One guy told me recently, with his ex it is under selective memory (FYI they are no longer friends)
Go figure the rest. You are smart enough.
But in any case like what I said in the email "be a bitch", it means
1. If a guy would like to come after you, he will do that.
2. Think like a bitch
3. Act like a bitch
4. Believe you are a bitch
Sometimes you just need to "toughen up" a bit to prevent yourself from getting hurt again.
k xoxo
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Ex-lover
Dearest ML,
I am reading a book by a Taiwanese author on relationship, It is a book of 100 something articles, on her views of relationship, girls mentality etc...
It is so good that I have the feeling - I do not want to finish reading it so quickly.
Today I came across her article on "ex-lover". I tried to translate her article as below:
"Ex-lovers include ex-boyfriend, and whoever you fell in love with. A long time after the breakup, you guys come out for drinks as if nothing had happened.
He looks different from what you got to know him, but whenever he is not talking, his eyes seem like laughing. He is no longer pompous and arrogant. But whenever he talks about his ideal life, he gets very excited, and stands up with all the gestures to express his view.
You look at him, thinking about the good times that you had together, when you both were in love.
This city rains a lot. But since the day you first met, and for the days to come, it has become sunny. It is like summer holiday, you guys have endless topics to talk about, and you cannot wait to put down everything into your diary each night.
You also thought about those days when you were not in touch with each other.
You guys may both like each other but it does not mean you guys can be together. He does not enjoy enough of his freedom, he has a lot of female friends. He is not available when you needed him.
He is somebody that you want, unfortunately he cannot give you the love that you want.
You pretend you are fine. And then you feel really sad and lonely. You see the rain drops on the windshield of the bus, but at the same time you see the teardrops on your face. You try to rub the tear away.
You see everyday of no-contact as an accomplishment. You saw the little MSN login of him on your computer, take a deep breath and then switch to Outlook to carry on with your email. You try to talk to yourself - you get everything you would like to have in life. But love is like a public bus - you know he can carry you to somewhere you would like to go, but the bus has been full, the bus has been broken on the way, the bus missed the stop. Then what can you do?
And then one day you realize you can no longer remember his cell phone number. When you are with friends, you stop having the thought that "it will be so nice if he were here". You thought you guys no longer have any connection, until the day you meet him again.
You two haven't sat down and talked for such a long time but the connection is still there. You two can talk in your own secret language, and laugh at the insider jokes.
Then something came across to your mind - you two have the conditions to be together, but did not ever practice how to be together. Up till now, you still have not met anyone who knows you so well, and who gets along so well. You haven't even tried to explain, and then he will say he knows your temperament, that he will say to you "it really does not matter".
You are still very much in love with him, but you are just trying to persuade yourself the otherwise. If not there is no way so much thoughts can be triggered upon meeting up again. And it only feels like yesterday, otherwise you will not be that emotional, as if hypnosis has triggered some repressed memory.
However, you guys miss the time of falling in love together, just like you miss the very last train of the day. It is a pity, but it is already a past tense. You tell yourself, bring forward whatever you learn from this relationship to the next boyfriend, you can treat him better, and you know better how to compromise.
Because you finally know, if you really love someone, it is similar to how your parents love you. You are the one to give out love, to compromise first without considering the return. You will not quit in the middle, because you would like him to see your intention, and how much you treasure your relationship with him, some day in future.
It is not easy but you will carry on with it. You feel good as this is in line with your conscience. And then, despite you would not like to let the feeling go, you will still remember the feeling.
If you cannot give happiness to someone, you will have to let go so that he can stay happy."
k xoxo
I am reading a book by a Taiwanese author on relationship, It is a book of 100 something articles, on her views of relationship, girls mentality etc...
It is so good that I have the feeling - I do not want to finish reading it so quickly.
Today I came across her article on "ex-lover". I tried to translate her article as below:
"Ex-lovers include ex-boyfriend, and whoever you fell in love with. A long time after the breakup, you guys come out for drinks as if nothing had happened.
He looks different from what you got to know him, but whenever he is not talking, his eyes seem like laughing. He is no longer pompous and arrogant. But whenever he talks about his ideal life, he gets very excited, and stands up with all the gestures to express his view.
You look at him, thinking about the good times that you had together, when you both were in love.
This city rains a lot. But since the day you first met, and for the days to come, it has become sunny. It is like summer holiday, you guys have endless topics to talk about, and you cannot wait to put down everything into your diary each night.
You also thought about those days when you were not in touch with each other.
You guys may both like each other but it does not mean you guys can be together. He does not enjoy enough of his freedom, he has a lot of female friends. He is not available when you needed him.
He is somebody that you want, unfortunately he cannot give you the love that you want.
You pretend you are fine. And then you feel really sad and lonely. You see the rain drops on the windshield of the bus, but at the same time you see the teardrops on your face. You try to rub the tear away.
You see everyday of no-contact as an accomplishment. You saw the little MSN login of him on your computer, take a deep breath and then switch to Outlook to carry on with your email. You try to talk to yourself - you get everything you would like to have in life. But love is like a public bus - you know he can carry you to somewhere you would like to go, but the bus has been full, the bus has been broken on the way, the bus missed the stop. Then what can you do?
And then one day you realize you can no longer remember his cell phone number. When you are with friends, you stop having the thought that "it will be so nice if he were here". You thought you guys no longer have any connection, until the day you meet him again.
You two haven't sat down and talked for such a long time but the connection is still there. You two can talk in your own secret language, and laugh at the insider jokes.
Then something came across to your mind - you two have the conditions to be together, but did not ever practice how to be together. Up till now, you still have not met anyone who knows you so well, and who gets along so well. You haven't even tried to explain, and then he will say he knows your temperament, that he will say to you "it really does not matter".
You are still very much in love with him, but you are just trying to persuade yourself the otherwise. If not there is no way so much thoughts can be triggered upon meeting up again. And it only feels like yesterday, otherwise you will not be that emotional, as if hypnosis has triggered some repressed memory.
However, you guys miss the time of falling in love together, just like you miss the very last train of the day. It is a pity, but it is already a past tense. You tell yourself, bring forward whatever you learn from this relationship to the next boyfriend, you can treat him better, and you know better how to compromise.
Because you finally know, if you really love someone, it is similar to how your parents love you. You are the one to give out love, to compromise first without considering the return. You will not quit in the middle, because you would like him to see your intention, and how much you treasure your relationship with him, some day in future.
It is not easy but you will carry on with it. You feel good as this is in line with your conscience. And then, despite you would not like to let the feeling go, you will still remember the feeling.
If you cannot give happiness to someone, you will have to let go so that he can stay happy."
k xoxo
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Love vs Hate
Dearest ML,
Thanks for your earlier comments on the post!
So happened my favourite columnist Black so Black wrote a similar topic today:
There was a girl, been together with the boy for a few years. But their relationship has always been ups and downs. He met a new party and would like to break up. She did not want to break up, and it began with all these struggles that made her tired and sick (minor ones like coughing and flu).
Like you said, we all fall in love with players some times. It is heart breaking to admit this. But so what? Apparently the girl did not want to let go of the boy, keep asking to get back together, I can change etc... but it was her mental states that she could not let go - the mentality to accept that she was being dumped and deceived by a jerk / player.
Hong Kong got the CE Election. One hopeful had an affair and his wife said "I am glad he knows his way back home". This is so wrong.
Love is blind, but sometimes someone just does not deserve our love.
Like what Black so Black said, release our anger, and get back to equilibrium.
k xoxo
Thanks for your earlier comments on the post!
So happened my favourite columnist Black so Black wrote a similar topic today:
There was a girl, been together with the boy for a few years. But their relationship has always been ups and downs. He met a new party and would like to break up. She did not want to break up, and it began with all these struggles that made her tired and sick (minor ones like coughing and flu).
Like you said, we all fall in love with players some times. It is heart breaking to admit this. But so what? Apparently the girl did not want to let go of the boy, keep asking to get back together, I can change etc... but it was her mental states that she could not let go - the mentality to accept that she was being dumped and deceived by a jerk / player.
Hong Kong got the CE Election. One hopeful had an affair and his wife said "I am glad he knows his way back home". This is so wrong.
Love is blind, but sometimes someone just does not deserve our love.
Like what Black so Black said, release our anger, and get back to equilibrium.
k xoxo
Monday, March 12, 2012
Ex
Dearest ML,
Ex always gives us headaches. I briefly estimated there are a few types of ex -
1. Ex who chooses to walk away completely from your life
These are the type who prefers a complete break off after the end of the relationship. No more contact. You may have mutual friends he may still be on your Facebook but nothing more.
You guys have your own life. It is tough especially when you still have feelings for him. You may still peek into his Facebook (or his girlfriend's Facebook to get to know him) but gradually you will figure "if he doesn't not treat me as a friend with care and concern, why bother and waste my time?"
This is exactly how I feel about the unnamed player, especially after the recent accident. He will always be the same. He doesn't really care about others. The good side is you guys break up before investing (or wasting) too much time and energy into the relationship that is doomed to have no future.
2. Ex who can evolve to be best friends
This type of ex is rare, it requires both parties to evolve and move on. There is always a fine line between "couples" and "best friends' and you guys know how to play this rule of game well.
3. Ex who doesn't know what he wants and keep coming back to you
This type is also common - it means you guys break up, then reconcile, and then break up again. Why? One major reason is neither party has really worked out the real issues that caused the break up. Relationships like this will never be a smooth one but likely end up in a vicious cycle.
I know how it feels to be treated badly by ex, especially when you have the "expectation" that he may get back to you on your text / email message, or have the "expectation" that he will contact you first, or have the expectation of staying friends. Some time ago, I remember I wrote a blog post on "friendship". It takes two to make things work.
So, how to deal with ex?? I really do not know, I am still evolving. It really depends on the other party. You express your friendliness it went into the water under the bridge. Lesson learned.
Remember:
It takes two to clap hands. It also takes two to maintain friendship. There are a lot of friends who care and concern about you. There is no need to expect everyone to be your friend - you are not in any competition or running for Ms Friendly in Ms Universe competition.
Be picky, be choosey.
And sometimes if you really care about someone (and if by doing so really makes you feel better), go for it. You do not really have to let them know.
You are a really sweet and smart girl with a lot of self-reflection but sometimes it may be better to forget and let go. Be kind to yourself, and love yourself more.
k xoxo
Ex always gives us headaches. I briefly estimated there are a few types of ex -
1. Ex who chooses to walk away completely from your life
These are the type who prefers a complete break off after the end of the relationship. No more contact. You may have mutual friends he may still be on your Facebook but nothing more.
You guys have your own life. It is tough especially when you still have feelings for him. You may still peek into his Facebook (or his girlfriend's Facebook to get to know him) but gradually you will figure "if he doesn't not treat me as a friend with care and concern, why bother and waste my time?"
This is exactly how I feel about the unnamed player, especially after the recent accident. He will always be the same. He doesn't really care about others. The good side is you guys break up before investing (or wasting) too much time and energy into the relationship that is doomed to have no future.
2. Ex who can evolve to be best friends
This type of ex is rare, it requires both parties to evolve and move on. There is always a fine line between "couples" and "best friends' and you guys know how to play this rule of game well.
3. Ex who doesn't know what he wants and keep coming back to you
This type is also common - it means you guys break up, then reconcile, and then break up again. Why? One major reason is neither party has really worked out the real issues that caused the break up. Relationships like this will never be a smooth one but likely end up in a vicious cycle.
I know how it feels to be treated badly by ex, especially when you have the "expectation" that he may get back to you on your text / email message, or have the "expectation" that he will contact you first, or have the expectation of staying friends. Some time ago, I remember I wrote a blog post on "friendship". It takes two to make things work.
So, how to deal with ex?? I really do not know, I am still evolving. It really depends on the other party. You express your friendliness it went into the water under the bridge. Lesson learned.
Remember:
It takes two to clap hands. It also takes two to maintain friendship. There are a lot of friends who care and concern about you. There is no need to expect everyone to be your friend - you are not in any competition or running for Ms Friendly in Ms Universe competition.
Be picky, be choosey.
And sometimes if you really care about someone (and if by doing so really makes you feel better), go for it. You do not really have to let them know.
You are a really sweet and smart girl with a lot of self-reflection but sometimes it may be better to forget and let go. Be kind to yourself, and love yourself more.
k xoxo
Monday, March 5, 2012
Difference between Good Friend and Boyfriend
Dearest ML,
In our recent email exchange we talked about briefly the difference between "good friend" and boyfriend. As I pointed out, being a good friend before does not mean he will be a good boyfriend. Here is another example to illustrate the difference, inspired from my favorite columnist Black so Black (sorry website in Chinese only)
"Recently McDonald in Hong Kong launched a hamburger called "Mighty Ranger". It is like a super hamburger with hash brown, double beef, bacon etc with calories of 1270 (in case if you are not aware, daily requirement of calories is about 2000). To fully consume this burger you need to run for 3 hours. So obviously 1200 calories for a burger is way too much and unhealthy for health.
The story begins with this hamburger.
A boyfriend loves to have this Mighty Ranger so much that he would love to have this every meal. His girlfriend is concerned and complained: "he never works out, and this burger is equivalent to 6 bowls of rice. Assuming he keeps eating, I am concerned he will end up having heart attack eventually. Sigh. What should I do to be with someone who doesn't concern much about his health? Should I dump him?"
Actually she is not the first one to dump a guy because of the hamburger. A guy once said to me "I cannot understand at all, why girlfriend needs to control and manage everything, to the extent what he likes to eat. Having a hamburger will not die, and over-concerned makes me feel like suffocated."
The point is - if a man is single and alone he can do whatever he wants. However when he is in a relationship and interacts with somebody, falls in love and even shares the life with somebody, he cannot do whatever he likes in a reckless manner.
If you do not think this is a sign of sacrificing your freedom, then you are simply childish and ill-prepared and disqualified to be in love with the other person.
Sharing a life together is a sign of sharing, interacting and cultivating a supportive and dependent relationship. This is something intimacy. By staying intimate it means you cannot be ego-centric. You are unable to do whatever you want like you used to before. This is the basic commitment for two parties to be together: to take care of each other, to cultivate mutual respect, love and concern.
And what are the per-requisite of taking care and respecting the other person? Self love. Individuals will treasure life and treasure others only when they how to self love.
Indulgence in that unhealthy burger is a sign of suicide. There is no doubt about it, and it is normal and reasonable for the significant other to be worried.
Someone who is so unconcerned about his own health and who enjoys self-indulgence will only be suitable to live alone but not suitable to be in a relationship.
Self indulgence in that burger is a sign of not self-love, and eventually he does not love his partner. He is not doing his job by making his partner worried and this has nothing to do that he is being interfered about his own freedom."
Then I thought of the recent incident, why he did what he did. Like M said he is still searching around, but the root problem is... he doesn't concern his partner enough. He still prefers to have the same lifestyle that he used to have without considering what he did / does will hurt others.
There is just a fine line between "good friend" and "boyfriend" and how you treat them.
This is just like what he did to me before. In short, nothing has changed.
Yes everyone has their own issues, but without the awareness of changing himself and dig out those issues, nothing will change.
He is and will still be the same player.
k xoxo
In our recent email exchange we talked about briefly the difference between "good friend" and boyfriend. As I pointed out, being a good friend before does not mean he will be a good boyfriend. Here is another example to illustrate the difference, inspired from my favorite columnist Black so Black (sorry website in Chinese only)
"Recently McDonald in Hong Kong launched a hamburger called "Mighty Ranger". It is like a super hamburger with hash brown, double beef, bacon etc with calories of 1270 (in case if you are not aware, daily requirement of calories is about 2000). To fully consume this burger you need to run for 3 hours. So obviously 1200 calories for a burger is way too much and unhealthy for health.
The story begins with this hamburger.
A boyfriend loves to have this Mighty Ranger so much that he would love to have this every meal. His girlfriend is concerned and complained: "he never works out, and this burger is equivalent to 6 bowls of rice. Assuming he keeps eating, I am concerned he will end up having heart attack eventually. Sigh. What should I do to be with someone who doesn't concern much about his health? Should I dump him?"
Actually she is not the first one to dump a guy because of the hamburger. A guy once said to me "I cannot understand at all, why girlfriend needs to control and manage everything, to the extent what he likes to eat. Having a hamburger will not die, and over-concerned makes me feel like suffocated."
The point is - if a man is single and alone he can do whatever he wants. However when he is in a relationship and interacts with somebody, falls in love and even shares the life with somebody, he cannot do whatever he likes in a reckless manner.
If you do not think this is a sign of sacrificing your freedom, then you are simply childish and ill-prepared and disqualified to be in love with the other person.
Sharing a life together is a sign of sharing, interacting and cultivating a supportive and dependent relationship. This is something intimacy. By staying intimate it means you cannot be ego-centric. You are unable to do whatever you want like you used to before. This is the basic commitment for two parties to be together: to take care of each other, to cultivate mutual respect, love and concern.
And what are the per-requisite of taking care and respecting the other person? Self love. Individuals will treasure life and treasure others only when they how to self love.
Indulgence in that unhealthy burger is a sign of suicide. There is no doubt about it, and it is normal and reasonable for the significant other to be worried.
Someone who is so unconcerned about his own health and who enjoys self-indulgence will only be suitable to live alone but not suitable to be in a relationship.
Self indulgence in that burger is a sign of not self-love, and eventually he does not love his partner. He is not doing his job by making his partner worried and this has nothing to do that he is being interfered about his own freedom."
Then I thought of the recent incident, why he did what he did. Like M said he is still searching around, but the root problem is... he doesn't concern his partner enough. He still prefers to have the same lifestyle that he used to have without considering what he did / does will hurt others.
There is just a fine line between "good friend" and "boyfriend" and how you treat them.
This is just like what he did to me before. In short, nothing has changed.
Yes everyone has their own issues, but without the awareness of changing himself and dig out those issues, nothing will change.
He is and will still be the same player.
k xoxo
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Art of Dating Part Three - Finale
Dearest ML
By pure coincidence I met a new friend recently. Actually he met my parents first in a tour and my mom thought he should be introduced to my best friend (who is a very decent girl but has been single for a long time) and asked me for 'help'.
I always wanna "help" my friend. I have no idea why she has difficulty in meeting guys as she is a very decent person with nice personality and look. So I gladly accepted this assignment.
But before anything I feel like I should meet up with this guy first at least to understand a bit more about him.
So we had a coffee and some chats on phone. It turned out he is also very decent and "normal" with a decent but busy job (who doesn't in Hong Kong?). We clicked instantly as friends. It is kinda weird as in front of him I do feel like I am like a "big sister" and kind of bossy with a lot of opinions but in reality... I may be but I am never like this in front of M. I am still figuring out why LOL
Anyway the key is not exactly about me and him but more about him and my friend. So I arranged a dinner meet up last night.
I feel like a healthy relationship should better begin with friendship (unless you are meeting someone in club). So it turned out last night was successful. It seemed we all had a great time. My friend did not know anything about the whole purpose of the meeting as I do not want to scare her off. However my mom has been asking me if I have arranged them to meet up all the times and made me annoyed LOL
So what I observe is from my friend I think I can figure out why guys may not think her as "attractive". There should be just something a little bit more apart from "being decent and presentable and normal". I think the key is one should always bear in mind the art of dating. Simply put there are a few rules from my own experience:
Rule 1 - always keep guy radar on. Very important.
Rule 2 - always keep yourself presentable and attractive and in good shape as you never know who you will bump into (my friend was not wearing any make up at all!)
Rule 3 - always keep yourself informed on what is happening in the world and make yourself to be sociable and knowledgeable. There is a term I invented recently - never be a social retard.
Rule 4 - know yourself and amplify your strengths in interaction. I believe everyone is different. Some may be playful, some may be humorous, some may be more caring, some may be more organized etc... It really does not matter. The key is how to present yourself in front of other people, especially in front of a potential date. You have to know what your selling point(s) are and then amplify them so as to make yourself attractive to others. Whether he likes it or not it really does not matter but I do believe the important point is having a distinctive character that makes you stand out from others.
Rule 5 - know how to be a woman but not a girl. We are getting older and presumably we should get more matured. No guys would like to date a girl. So think how to become more matured. Social skills is one key aspect. Be knowledgeable is another key.
Rule 6 - most importantly have a bit of sexuality. It is quite hard to define this but in short know how to flirt and be playful at the right time, and give out the right subtle signals if you like someone. Girls should always be a bit more proactive in asking guys out. No harm in that. Make use of the mutual friend to arrange some more activities. If he is smart, he should be able to pick it up. Likewise guys should learn to be a bit more proactive in asking girls out. Well a lot do but a lot seem to need a "consultant" to suggest how to proceed.
Rule 7 - enjoy the meeting. Even if he is a dork it is just a meeting of 1-2 hours. Just enjoy the process.
Happy dating :-)
k xoxo
By pure coincidence I met a new friend recently. Actually he met my parents first in a tour and my mom thought he should be introduced to my best friend (who is a very decent girl but has been single for a long time) and asked me for 'help'.
I always wanna "help" my friend. I have no idea why she has difficulty in meeting guys as she is a very decent person with nice personality and look. So I gladly accepted this assignment.
But before anything I feel like I should meet up with this guy first at least to understand a bit more about him.
So we had a coffee and some chats on phone. It turned out he is also very decent and "normal" with a decent but busy job (who doesn't in Hong Kong?). We clicked instantly as friends. It is kinda weird as in front of him I do feel like I am like a "big sister" and kind of bossy with a lot of opinions but in reality... I may be but I am never like this in front of M. I am still figuring out why LOL
Anyway the key is not exactly about me and him but more about him and my friend. So I arranged a dinner meet up last night.
I feel like a healthy relationship should better begin with friendship (unless you are meeting someone in club). So it turned out last night was successful. It seemed we all had a great time. My friend did not know anything about the whole purpose of the meeting as I do not want to scare her off. However my mom has been asking me if I have arranged them to meet up all the times and made me annoyed LOL
So what I observe is from my friend I think I can figure out why guys may not think her as "attractive". There should be just something a little bit more apart from "being decent and presentable and normal". I think the key is one should always bear in mind the art of dating. Simply put there are a few rules from my own experience:
Rule 1 - always keep guy radar on. Very important.
Rule 2 - always keep yourself presentable and attractive and in good shape as you never know who you will bump into (my friend was not wearing any make up at all!)
Rule 3 - always keep yourself informed on what is happening in the world and make yourself to be sociable and knowledgeable. There is a term I invented recently - never be a social retard.
Rule 4 - know yourself and amplify your strengths in interaction. I believe everyone is different. Some may be playful, some may be humorous, some may be more caring, some may be more organized etc... It really does not matter. The key is how to present yourself in front of other people, especially in front of a potential date. You have to know what your selling point(s) are and then amplify them so as to make yourself attractive to others. Whether he likes it or not it really does not matter but I do believe the important point is having a distinctive character that makes you stand out from others.
Rule 5 - know how to be a woman but not a girl. We are getting older and presumably we should get more matured. No guys would like to date a girl. So think how to become more matured. Social skills is one key aspect. Be knowledgeable is another key.
Rule 6 - most importantly have a bit of sexuality. It is quite hard to define this but in short know how to flirt and be playful at the right time, and give out the right subtle signals if you like someone. Girls should always be a bit more proactive in asking guys out. No harm in that. Make use of the mutual friend to arrange some more activities. If he is smart, he should be able to pick it up. Likewise guys should learn to be a bit more proactive in asking girls out. Well a lot do but a lot seem to need a "consultant" to suggest how to proceed.
Rule 7 - enjoy the meeting. Even if he is a dork it is just a meeting of 1-2 hours. Just enjoy the process.
Happy dating :-)
k xoxo
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Transforming Ex into Friends
Dearest ML,
Hope your D day went well!! Look forward to your great news :)
Had a very nice catch up with my ex last night. Our relationship surprisingly has been well after breakup, to the extent I am still trying to understand what caused the smooth transition. He was the one who brought up the breakup and caught me out of guard, I should be the one with negative feelings. But in reality, I am quite happy with our status quo now.
Why? Put it this way, sometimes a guy may better be a friend than boyfriend. We girls always have special list of "requirements" for boyfriend. For this ex, obviously he performs a better friend than boyfriend due to a lot of reasons, partly due to his job, partly due to his own mentality. All these are out of my control.
When I was in relationship with him, I had no complaint. I accepted this and I was head over heels for him (I think I am still so today, ha!). But on hindsight, we all deserve the best. M is currently the best for me. I still have no complaint for M which is kind of rare :)
How I see our relationship now with this ex? It is kind of like "divorced couple but with very good friendship". We care about each other, we share and talk a lot. He will always have a special place in my heart. I do not know about vice versa but probably so. I even asked the fortune teller about him, and prediction came back positive. Ha!
I had my doubts if I should ask if he's seeing anyone. I was a bit confused if I still have the fantasy that we shall get back together, and if so I will get upset upon hearing his answer for that question. Eventually I did ask him in person last night, and he said he has been casually seeing someone for a few months.
Thought I will get upset but surprisingly I did not. On second thought I am genuinely happy for him - whether he is single / seeing anyone / even getting married and have kids, it really does not matter. I want him to be happy. I feel like our relationship actually transcends to another level.
Unfortunately I do not have any more ex like him. This may be a good thing if not I will be very busy catching up with each of them :0) Most of my exes are like strangers - either I do not have interests to keep in touch with them, or they treat me as strangers.
But does it mean I hate any of them? No, because I understand guys are kind of like buses, they come and go. When a suitable bus comes, you hop along, and hop off at the destination. And then the bus will be gone. Sometimes you will catch the same bus again, but most of the time, you do not even see the same bus.
I know you still have grudges with R, hope this post will give you some inspiration. Does he worth to be your friends? If not, you may be happier to see him as a bus. You had your ride, you had fun and sweet memories and that's it.
He is just a bus.
So if you ask me if there is any formula to transform ex into friends? The answer is no, I do not have specific formula. If so I feel like I may become a millionaire by selling books of this sort! However I realize it does take two for the transition. So first question is are you ready? And even if you are ready, you have to assess if the other party is equipped with the maturity for the same transition and whether he is worthwhile to become your friends.
We talked about this before, it does take time for the transition and most importantly, more time to maintain this type of close friendship.
k xoxo
Hope your D day went well!! Look forward to your great news :)
Had a very nice catch up with my ex last night. Our relationship surprisingly has been well after breakup, to the extent I am still trying to understand what caused the smooth transition. He was the one who brought up the breakup and caught me out of guard, I should be the one with negative feelings. But in reality, I am quite happy with our status quo now.
Why? Put it this way, sometimes a guy may better be a friend than boyfriend. We girls always have special list of "requirements" for boyfriend. For this ex, obviously he performs a better friend than boyfriend due to a lot of reasons, partly due to his job, partly due to his own mentality. All these are out of my control.
When I was in relationship with him, I had no complaint. I accepted this and I was head over heels for him (I think I am still so today, ha!). But on hindsight, we all deserve the best. M is currently the best for me. I still have no complaint for M which is kind of rare :)
How I see our relationship now with this ex? It is kind of like "divorced couple but with very good friendship". We care about each other, we share and talk a lot. He will always have a special place in my heart. I do not know about vice versa but probably so. I even asked the fortune teller about him, and prediction came back positive. Ha!
I had my doubts if I should ask if he's seeing anyone. I was a bit confused if I still have the fantasy that we shall get back together, and if so I will get upset upon hearing his answer for that question. Eventually I did ask him in person last night, and he said he has been casually seeing someone for a few months.
Thought I will get upset but surprisingly I did not. On second thought I am genuinely happy for him - whether he is single / seeing anyone / even getting married and have kids, it really does not matter. I want him to be happy. I feel like our relationship actually transcends to another level.
Unfortunately I do not have any more ex like him. This may be a good thing if not I will be very busy catching up with each of them :0) Most of my exes are like strangers - either I do not have interests to keep in touch with them, or they treat me as strangers.
But does it mean I hate any of them? No, because I understand guys are kind of like buses, they come and go. When a suitable bus comes, you hop along, and hop off at the destination. And then the bus will be gone. Sometimes you will catch the same bus again, but most of the time, you do not even see the same bus.
I know you still have grudges with R, hope this post will give you some inspiration. Does he worth to be your friends? If not, you may be happier to see him as a bus. You had your ride, you had fun and sweet memories and that's it.
He is just a bus.
So if you ask me if there is any formula to transform ex into friends? The answer is no, I do not have specific formula. If so I feel like I may become a millionaire by selling books of this sort! However I realize it does take two for the transition. So first question is are you ready? And even if you are ready, you have to assess if the other party is equipped with the maturity for the same transition and whether he is worthwhile to become your friends.
We talked about this before, it does take time for the transition and most importantly, more time to maintain this type of close friendship.
k xoxo
Monday, January 16, 2012
We Found Love (in a hopeless place)
Dearest ML,
Thanks for sharing with me this song by Rihanna & the lyrics. Did you watch the video (also in the same link), its all about sex / lust, drugs and death (?)
Of course this is just a song / MV but I would not expect to find love in a hopeless place, which is a major reason why I went to the States.
You mentioned that what I wrote about Hong Kong and the dating scene of expats is true. If so what is the point of still "hoping" to find love in a hopeless place? This is totally self-contradictory.
This brought me to think - we girls do have a tendency to have dreams, the dreams of something may / will happen (say for example find love in hopeless place). But if we all know the chance is slim (to very slim), then what's the point of still having this hope?
Yes I agree we should all have hope(s), but at the same time, need to control our hopes so that we are able to manage our expectations realistically.
You mentioned to me you have / had a hope that by your age now you will find a boyfriend / get engaged / be successful in your career. I just wanna add - do not put a age limit on your hope. This is totally unnecessary. The more you think about it, the more you will be disappointed by an imaginary age limit which does no good but give unnecessary pressure onto yourself.
Likewise a lot of girls in Hong Kong do have a tendency to think like that, say "oh I need to get married by 30 and have kids". Stop it. The more you think about it, the more you will have a tendency of rushing into marriage and end up having even more problems.
And like what I said before finding a BF / get engaged may not be the solution but beginning of more problems. Who knows? May be this is part of my hesitation with M (not sex, silly!). I told you on email I am not used to believe in marriage. I do not think it will work in sustaining any relationship. But rather it is more on the mental issue - "are you ready to spend the rest of life with this person in spite of the death, illness and all difficulties and resist all temptations". The wedding vow should not be just a sentence spoken at the wedding ceremony, it is a "mandate" that should be honored with or without the wedding certificate. Of course the wedding certificate does have its purpose (say legal status and thus tax issues etc) but I would see more on the issue "am I ready to honor the mandate yet?"
If the answer is "not yet", then probably I should not accept any ring.
Yes it has been half a year of transition. Life is full of transition. I am undergoing it, you are as well. I think there are a few principles that I will try to stick with, do my best, and see what fate has arranged for us.
Good luck with your exam, I really hope you can make it this time!!!
k xoxo
PS - I have been re-reading your email you wrote "I guess I just wished I had the comfort of a boyfriend who could help me to feel like I can accomplish and do/be anything and he would back me up". On 2nd thought, M actually does give me this sense of feeling. I told him before he is like my cheerleader who supports me and feels like I can accomplish anything I would like to do, and not to mention he does provide such an environment on this. So this should be a big plus side :)
Thanks for sharing with me this song by Rihanna & the lyrics. Did you watch the video (also in the same link), its all about sex / lust, drugs and death (?)
Of course this is just a song / MV but I would not expect to find love in a hopeless place, which is a major reason why I went to the States.
You mentioned that what I wrote about Hong Kong and the dating scene of expats is true. If so what is the point of still "hoping" to find love in a hopeless place? This is totally self-contradictory.
This brought me to think - we girls do have a tendency to have dreams, the dreams of something may / will happen (say for example find love in hopeless place). But if we all know the chance is slim (to very slim), then what's the point of still having this hope?
Yes I agree we should all have hope(s), but at the same time, need to control our hopes so that we are able to manage our expectations realistically.
You mentioned to me you have / had a hope that by your age now you will find a boyfriend / get engaged / be successful in your career. I just wanna add - do not put a age limit on your hope. This is totally unnecessary. The more you think about it, the more you will be disappointed by an imaginary age limit which does no good but give unnecessary pressure onto yourself.
Likewise a lot of girls in Hong Kong do have a tendency to think like that, say "oh I need to get married by 30 and have kids". Stop it. The more you think about it, the more you will have a tendency of rushing into marriage and end up having even more problems.
And like what I said before finding a BF / get engaged may not be the solution but beginning of more problems. Who knows? May be this is part of my hesitation with M (not sex, silly!). I told you on email I am not used to believe in marriage. I do not think it will work in sustaining any relationship. But rather it is more on the mental issue - "are you ready to spend the rest of life with this person in spite of the death, illness and all difficulties and resist all temptations". The wedding vow should not be just a sentence spoken at the wedding ceremony, it is a "mandate" that should be honored with or without the wedding certificate. Of course the wedding certificate does have its purpose (say legal status and thus tax issues etc) but I would see more on the issue "am I ready to honor the mandate yet?"
If the answer is "not yet", then probably I should not accept any ring.
Yes it has been half a year of transition. Life is full of transition. I am undergoing it, you are as well. I think there are a few principles that I will try to stick with, do my best, and see what fate has arranged for us.
Good luck with your exam, I really hope you can make it this time!!!
k xoxo
PS - I have been re-reading your email you wrote "I guess I just wished I had the comfort of a boyfriend who could help me to feel like I can accomplish and do/be anything and he would back me up". On 2nd thought, M actually does give me this sense of feeling. I told him before he is like my cheerleader who supports me and feels like I can accomplish anything I would like to do, and not to mention he does provide such an environment on this. So this should be a big plus side :)
Friday, January 6, 2012
"I'd rather be alone"
Dearest ML,
On 2nd thought, I think I will write a blog post on this.
This is the line that B said on that night as breakup reason in spite we did not have much argument etc... It just came out of nowhere.
Like what I wrote previously, I found it is just a complete BS and what makes me feel resentful as of today. It is a statement that also reflects his selfishness, immaturity and insensitivity and how he sees me as a dump ass.
Regardless, the purpose of my blog post is... if you ever wanna breakup with someone, please do not use this line. It brings so much pain and sorrow to the other party.
Like everything else, breakup does need a bit of "marketing" and packaging to minimize the hurt and damage.
k xoxo
On 2nd thought, I think I will write a blog post on this.
This is the line that B said on that night as breakup reason in spite we did not have much argument etc... It just came out of nowhere.
Like what I wrote previously, I found it is just a complete BS and what makes me feel resentful as of today. It is a statement that also reflects his selfishness, immaturity and insensitivity and how he sees me as a dump ass.
Regardless, the purpose of my blog post is... if you ever wanna breakup with someone, please do not use this line. It brings so much pain and sorrow to the other party.
Like everything else, breakup does need a bit of "marketing" and packaging to minimize the hurt and damage.
k xoxo
Relationship with A Future
Dearest ML,
Thanks for sharing with me the updates with R and your ex. I wrote in another email reply to my friend S on how I see relationship now - I prefer to have a relationship with a future.
Your romance with R is full of passion but for whatever reasons it ended up short. I sort of joked about my romance history that I can write a book about it hehe. Nothing to brag about but I had those days with a relationship like that, so much indulgence, full of passion etc but no future. Maybe it was me not ready to settle down. But the norm of dating expats in Hong Kong is... they seldom talk about future. They never see Hong Kong as their home / place to stay for long term. How can you expect someone like that, in a "transitional phase" to make any commitment?
I realize we all have different chapters in life, with different focuses. And guys, are more like ornaments. It is good to have them, but it is OK not to have them because they are "ornaments" but not necessity. What is more important is our believes, our values, and how we see ourselves.
You asked me how I settle in US life. I can say I enjoy it a lot. Last night I had a brief discussion with M, I think he has made me a happier person. He is more like a cheerleader to me, to support me emotionally, and give me room to fulfill my dreams. And our relationship is a relationship with future - I "sort of" know where we are heading to and nothing like what I had in the past where the guy may just dump you in one second and said "I prefer to be alone" (on hindsight such a BS and this is part of the reason why I still feel resentment for him).
Another reason I guess is living in the States where I have less things to worry about compared to Hong Kong, and not to mention a "better" environment with less pollution and people!
But of course the "location" is not exactly the main point - the key is the place where you can find happiness, where you can find meaning in whatever you are doing.
So in my next chapter of life, I guess this relationship is going to play a bit of part. Even though I see guys are ornaments, it is still good to have one when you find a good one :)
k xoxo
Thanks for sharing with me the updates with R and your ex. I wrote in another email reply to my friend S on how I see relationship now - I prefer to have a relationship with a future.
Your romance with R is full of passion but for whatever reasons it ended up short. I sort of joked about my romance history that I can write a book about it hehe. Nothing to brag about but I had those days with a relationship like that, so much indulgence, full of passion etc but no future. Maybe it was me not ready to settle down. But the norm of dating expats in Hong Kong is... they seldom talk about future. They never see Hong Kong as their home / place to stay for long term. How can you expect someone like that, in a "transitional phase" to make any commitment?
I realize we all have different chapters in life, with different focuses. And guys, are more like ornaments. It is good to have them, but it is OK not to have them because they are "ornaments" but not necessity. What is more important is our believes, our values, and how we see ourselves.
You asked me how I settle in US life. I can say I enjoy it a lot. Last night I had a brief discussion with M, I think he has made me a happier person. He is more like a cheerleader to me, to support me emotionally, and give me room to fulfill my dreams. And our relationship is a relationship with future - I "sort of" know where we are heading to and nothing like what I had in the past where the guy may just dump you in one second and said "I prefer to be alone" (on hindsight such a BS and this is part of the reason why I still feel resentment for him).
Another reason I guess is living in the States where I have less things to worry about compared to Hong Kong, and not to mention a "better" environment with less pollution and people!
But of course the "location" is not exactly the main point - the key is the place where you can find happiness, where you can find meaning in whatever you are doing.
So in my next chapter of life, I guess this relationship is going to play a bit of part. Even though I see guys are ornaments, it is still good to have one when you find a good one :)
k xoxo
Monday, January 2, 2012
Used Furniture Theory
Dearest ML,
Like my whatsapp discussed, what if we see our ex as "used furniture"?
Then -
1. He is an object. It is not necessary to attach too much emotions onto "it".
2. What if he is dating somebody else? He is an "used furniture" and I do not want "it" / it doesn't fit me anymore. Please feel free to take it & make use of it.
Seriously, I only wish I could have realized this a little bit earlier. Then I guess I can omit quite a bit of sorrow and unhappiness for that piece of "used furniture".
Revelation is - at the end of the day it all depends on our interpretation. And a smart girl will interpret the story in an angle that causes less pain and emotional distress.
k xoxo
Like my whatsapp discussed, what if we see our ex as "used furniture"?
Then -
1. He is an object. It is not necessary to attach too much emotions onto "it".
2. What if he is dating somebody else? He is an "used furniture" and I do not want "it" / it doesn't fit me anymore. Please feel free to take it & make use of it.
Seriously, I only wish I could have realized this a little bit earlier. Then I guess I can omit quite a bit of sorrow and unhappiness for that piece of "used furniture".
Revelation is - at the end of the day it all depends on our interpretation. And a smart girl will interpret the story in an angle that causes less pain and emotional distress.
k xoxo
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
How to reject a guy who is interested in you...
Dearest ML,
Happy to hear you met a new friend :-) Keep the guy radar ON!
Re your question on how to reject a guy who expressed interested in you but not vice versa, I actually consulted our male consultant M and here is his suggestions -
1. White lies
It is time for white lies say I am sorry but I am seeing someone / ex BF etc.... You write so beautifully you surely know how to fill out the rest
2. Be honest
He suggested no harm to be honest (and be absolutely honest) and make it clear that there is absolutely no chance to be romantically involved - something like "oh you are such a nice person I am happy to have you as friends"
3. For me I may say
- I am not in mood in seeing anyone at the moment due to work / studies / bad breakup etc... (but may cause backfire and make him more persistent!)
- I am not available as I have a crush on someone in the paddling club / gym (which implies he is not your type!)
Honestly comparing the two, I think option 1 may be more viable and cause less damage to another party?
Regardless, like what I mentioned do not agree to go out any dates in future which may give mixed signals :0) You may be bored but hang out with your friends / buddies (that's what friends are for?)
Hope it helps, keep me posted
And like what your last post said, be thankful on what you have, and always hope for the best (especially in Christmas!!)
k xoxo
Happy to hear you met a new friend :-) Keep the guy radar ON!
Re your question on how to reject a guy who expressed interested in you but not vice versa, I actually consulted our male consultant M and here is his suggestions -
1. White lies
It is time for white lies say I am sorry but I am seeing someone / ex BF etc.... You write so beautifully you surely know how to fill out the rest
2. Be honest
He suggested no harm to be honest (and be absolutely honest) and make it clear that there is absolutely no chance to be romantically involved - something like "oh you are such a nice person I am happy to have you as friends"
3. For me I may say
- I am not in mood in seeing anyone at the moment due to work / studies / bad breakup etc... (but may cause backfire and make him more persistent!)
- I am not available as I have a crush on someone in the paddling club / gym (which implies he is not your type!)
Honestly comparing the two, I think option 1 may be more viable and cause less damage to another party?
Regardless, like what I mentioned do not agree to go out any dates in future which may give mixed signals :0) You may be bored but hang out with your friends / buddies (that's what friends are for?)
Hope it helps, keep me posted
And like what your last post said, be thankful on what you have, and always hope for the best (especially in Christmas!!)
k xoxo
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