Dearest ML,
Thanks for sharing with me this song by Rihanna & the lyrics. Did you watch the video (also in the same link), its all about sex / lust, drugs and death (?)
Of course this is just a song / MV but I would not expect to find love in a hopeless place, which is a major reason why I went to the States.
You mentioned that what I wrote about Hong Kong and the dating scene of expats is true. If so what is the point of still "hoping" to find love in a hopeless place? This is totally self-contradictory.
This brought me to think - we girls do have a tendency to have dreams, the dreams of something may / will happen (say for example find love in hopeless place). But if we all know the chance is slim (to very slim), then what's the point of still having this hope?
Yes I agree we should all have hope(s), but at the same time, need to control our hopes so that we are able to manage our expectations realistically.
You mentioned to me you have / had a hope that by your age now you will find a boyfriend / get engaged / be successful in your career. I just wanna add - do not put a age limit on your hope. This is totally unnecessary. The more you think about it, the more you will be disappointed by an imaginary age limit which does no good but give unnecessary pressure onto yourself.
Likewise a lot of girls in Hong Kong do have a tendency to think like that, say "oh I need to get married by 30 and have kids". Stop it. The more you think about it, the more you will have a tendency of rushing into marriage and end up having even more problems.
And like what I said before finding a BF / get engaged may not be the solution but beginning of more problems. Who knows? May be this is part of my hesitation with M (not sex, silly!). I told you on email I am not used to believe in marriage. I do not think it will work in sustaining any relationship. But rather it is more on the mental issue - "are you ready to spend the rest of life with this person in spite of the death, illness and all difficulties and resist all temptations". The wedding vow should not be just a sentence spoken at the wedding ceremony, it is a "mandate" that should be honored with or without the wedding certificate. Of course the wedding certificate does have its purpose (say legal status and thus tax issues etc) but I would see more on the issue "am I ready to honor the mandate yet?"
If the answer is "not yet", then probably I should not accept any ring.
Yes it has been half a year of transition. Life is full of transition. I am undergoing it, you are as well. I think there are a few principles that I will try to stick with, do my best, and see what fate has arranged for us.
Good luck with your exam, I really hope you can make it this time!!!
k xoxo
PS - I have been re-reading your email you wrote "I guess I just wished I had the comfort of a boyfriend who could help me to feel like I can accomplish and do/be anything and he would back me up". On 2nd thought, M actually does give me this sense of feeling. I told him before he is like my cheerleader who supports me and feels like I can accomplish anything I would like to do, and not to mention he does provide such an environment on this. So this should be a big plus side :)
Japan is the same. There has been always like things you have to have accomplished at every certain age. Marriage, kids, career, saving etc. There are many women desperately looking for a future husband just because they're hitting "30". But like you said, that kind of way of thinking often ends up with more problems. I quit "age & accomplishment" thinking because life is not that simple and the definition of happiness is really depends on a person.
ReplyDeleteI see. I want to marry when things get settled, mainly job stuff etc. When I was younger, I didn't believe in marriage because my parents failed at it. But as I got someone I truly love, I want to do it. To me, it's about natural feelings that I want to stay with him for the rest of my life loving and caring each other..and I want to be his partner in the name of..sacred..marriage too.. sorry, can't explain well. Of course some outer advantages like permanent visa and social securities too though, but it's mainly about mental issues to me.
Thanks for sharing :)To me as I wrote marriage is not the key to make the relationship works. M and I gets along well, and this should have nothing to do with or without marriage. I just told my parents about my plan, and they "insisted" that I should get married so that I can get the permit to stay and work... Honestly if I may choose, I may not prefer to get married at all. Getting marriage got a lot of fuss, and I do want my own wedding (if married) as simple as possible but this is not what my parents want... And all the arguments begin... Sigh.
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