Dearest ML,
In our recent email exchange we talked about briefly the difference between "good friend" and boyfriend. As I pointed out, being a good friend before does not mean he will be a good boyfriend. Here is another example to illustrate the difference, inspired from my favorite columnist Black so Black (sorry website in Chinese only)
"Recently McDonald in Hong Kong launched a hamburger called "Mighty Ranger". It is like a super hamburger with hash brown, double beef, bacon etc with calories of 1270 (in case if you are not aware, daily requirement of calories is about 2000). To fully consume this burger you need to run for 3 hours. So obviously 1200 calories for a burger is way too much and unhealthy for health.
The story begins with this hamburger.
A boyfriend loves to have this Mighty Ranger so much that he would love to have this every meal. His girlfriend is concerned and complained: "he never works out, and this burger is equivalent to 6 bowls of rice. Assuming he keeps eating, I am concerned he will end up having heart attack eventually. Sigh. What should I do to be with someone who doesn't concern much about his health? Should I dump him?"
Actually she is not the first one to dump a guy because of the hamburger. A guy once said to me "I cannot understand at all, why girlfriend needs to control and manage everything, to the extent what he likes to eat. Having a hamburger will not die, and over-concerned makes me feel like suffocated."
The point is - if a man is single and alone he can do whatever he wants. However when he is in a relationship and interacts with somebody, falls in love and even shares the life with somebody, he cannot do whatever he likes in a reckless manner.
If you do not think this is a sign of sacrificing your freedom, then you are simply childish and ill-prepared and disqualified to be in love with the other person.
Sharing a life together is a sign of sharing, interacting and cultivating a supportive and dependent relationship. This is something intimacy. By staying intimate it means you cannot be ego-centric. You are unable to do whatever you want like you used to before. This is the basic commitment for two parties to be together: to take care of each other, to cultivate mutual respect, love and concern.
And what are the per-requisite of taking care and respecting the other person? Self love. Individuals will treasure life and treasure others only when they how to self love.
Indulgence in that unhealthy burger is a sign of suicide. There is no doubt about it, and it is normal and reasonable for the significant other to be worried.
Someone who is so unconcerned about his own health and who enjoys self-indulgence will only be suitable to live alone but not suitable to be in a relationship.
Self indulgence in that burger is a sign of not self-love, and eventually he does not love his partner. He is not doing his job by making his partner worried and this has nothing to do that he is being interfered about his own freedom."
Then I thought of the recent incident, why he did what he did. Like M said he is still searching around, but the root problem is... he doesn't concern his partner enough. He still prefers to have the same lifestyle that he used to have without considering what he did / does will hurt others.
There is just a fine line between "good friend" and "boyfriend" and how you treat them.
This is just like what he did to me before. In short, nothing has changed.
Yes everyone has their own issues, but without the awareness of changing himself and dig out those issues, nothing will change.
He is and will still be the same player.
k xoxo
I have a lot of posts to catch up on! Will do so one at a time :)
ReplyDeleteI like the way you worked in the story about the hamburger and sacrifice in relationships.
You know it's funny how girls say they "hate" players yet some girls are attracted to players, thinking "if only he would fall in love with me, i know he would change for me."
WRONG.
You can't change a player. The only person with that power and authority to change is the player himself. And sometimes it's hard to identify a player because they come in all shapes and sizes! Some are more obvious players and others are more experienced and sly about it. But in the end, they are still players because they make you feel special one moment and just as easily can take that away.
If you haven't been hurt by a player yet, you are a lucky person. But both of us have been played and both of us are still recovering. It's not a good feeling to be played - we wish we knew better to not fall for someone of that character. But we cannot blame ourselves for opening up and trying.
I saw recent pictures of my HK player on vacation with his player roommate. The pictures were of him flirting with this girl, being very touchy and laughing. And I also saw a picture of him in this shirt and thought - ew, you really look bad in that shirt. What were you thinking?
Sometimes it's bad to "peek" into the lives they live now, but a little curiosity can actually make us feel better.
We are better off. We are growing, evolving and readying ourselves for meaningful relationships based on trust and commitment and self-sacrifice.
And they are still the same players we left them as.