Dearest ML,
Since we are talking about ex, I am happy to write a post on "ex-dar", inspired by the term "gay-dar".
We all need our ex-dar. Ex has become a circle of "friends". Whether we like it or not, they are there. We need to know how to deal with them. Similar to gay-dar, I do believe there are signs to pick up from your ex in formulating your strategy for him accordingly.
1. Access the situation
How did you guys break up? Was it in good terms or bad terms?
2. Who raised the breakup?
3. Is he still talking to you or not at all?
4. Does he has the maturity to be your friend again?
5. Have you forgotten the past and ready to move on?
6. Do you think he has forgotten the past and ready to move on?
Just a few aspects for you to consider in deciding the next move. I hate to be blunt but most of the times, guys do not want to keep friendship with their ex. This is a fact.
One thing we have to bear in mind - memory is selective. It means you choose what sort of memory to keep, what sort of memory not to keep. One guy told me recently, with his ex it is under selective memory (FYI they are no longer friends)
Go figure the rest. You are smart enough.
But in any case like what I said in the email "be a bitch", it means
1. If a guy would like to come after you, he will do that.
2. Think like a bitch
3. Act like a bitch
4. Believe you are a bitch
Sometimes you just need to "toughen up" a bit to prevent yourself from getting hurt again.
k xoxo
Hey K! I was wondering what you meant by "ex-dar"! Definitely makes a lot of sense to me now.
ReplyDeleteI guess dealing with this particular ex is new territory to me. We tried to be friends after the break up, and we tried to keep in touch. I just think his expectation was that we would get back together when we moved back or that I would still be one of his closest friends. I think - just like the other girlfriends who are mad at me - they thought that I had completely forgotten about them when I moved to HK.
Thing is, the move was exactly what I needed for a clean, fresh start. To make new memories to replace old, painful ones. Just like you mentioned with the "selective" memory.
I wish I could be friends with this ex. He has a special place in my heart as someone who knew me so well - was really my best friend for almost five years. And now, strangers. Hard to accept...but my feelings for him are now purely platonic and I truly want him to move on and be happy with his life... if that also means that I am not in the picture whatsoever as a friend.
Thanks for your advice about managing my expectations in regard to exes. If things were different, I would've offered to buy him a celebratory drink. But I already got the vibe that he is bitter/upset with me... so I left it at that with no invitation to meet up.
Think it's best to stay out of each other's lives at this point.
But if one day he is mature enough to really look past it and accept that it didnt happen because it truly wasn't meant to be - then I think a friendship could be picked up here.
Thanks as always for your wise advice!!