Margin Call

Dearest ML,

I am not sure if you watched the film "Margin Call"? M and I watched it just now... Scary. Well to specify it is not a horror film (I would never watch that) but a mimic on what exactly happened on the day when Lehman Brother collapsed in 2008. In the film it mentioned about the layoff / how the senior management reacted upon hearing the news that they were hugely in debt ....

The rest is all history.

Read news today Morgan Stanley is going to layoff 560 staff alone in their New York headquarter. History is just repeating itself.

And I am not sure if you watched the documentary "inside job"? Maybe this is part of the reason why you would like to change field?

Life is short, there are far more important and better things to do than... working non-stop, earning money in a dirty, dishonest way. Occupy Wall Street certainly got their motives right (if I remember, one of them is "against corporate greed") but we have to ask - what has been done so far to avoid history from repeating itself?

Or nothing at all? And... how we end up in a world like this, where hard work no longer pays off and only those who cheat / lie can earn big money?


k   xoxo

New Year's Resolution

Dearest ML,

2011 flew by so quickly! With new year approaching very shortly, I am not sure if you have the habit of having new year's resolution at the very beginning of the year, on what you'd hope to achieve / accomplish?

I do, and every year I am amazed how quickly time flew by. But we all know what happens to the new year's resolutions in the end, very few or none of them will be achieved.

So what is the point of making new year's resolution, in figuring out & prioritizing what you want to have / achieve in the coming year?

I read an article on this today, well not exactly on new year's resolution but on figuring out your wants. Simply put, it is a process in sorting out the chaotic mind, and to see if what you want is something under your control. If so, go for it. If not, you know you have nothing to do about it.

It is also on the process in realizing how bad shape you are in now, and to act to change on it.

Process is far more important than the outcome.

So probably I will spend some time in drafting out my "new year's resolution" for 2012. It is never too late or too stupid for this.


k  xoxo

The end of life journey

Dearest ML,

A friend of mine is approaching the end of her life journey. I just visited her today and she looks very fragile and tired. I am concerned that she will never be able to wake up from sleep.

Luckily she is not in much pain but it doesn't make me feel any better. It is emotional draining. I cannot imagine if this happen to any of my close family members.

Death can be just so close to any one of us.

Occasions like this make me re-think again - what is the purpose of life? What am I going to achieve - have a successful career? Make money? To make a lot of friends? To experience? Or simply to stay happy and have no regrets in life?

In approaching Christmas time it is supposed to be joyous, and shopping and eating... but this year, I'd rather to take this chance to have another reflection on myself.

The end of life journey may actually happen at any time.


k   xoxo

On Forgiveness

Dearest ML,

Thanks for another meaningful blog post on forgiveness.

There is a line you wrote - "you are also forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to be vulnerable or making an error in judgment."

Interestingly, M also always talks to me about being vulnerable in a relationship.

To be honest, I am actually pretty "zen" in quite a lot of areas. I always believe things happen for a reason, literally everything. So even for B, how I see is "if it is not because of his breakup, I would not have started any relationship with M".

However even so, it does not justify what he did to me. Having said that, even if he did apologize, it does not change anything on what happened.

So does "forgiveness" help? I do not mean to be harsh on myself, or him - I wrote once I don't hate people, it wastes time and energy and counter-productive. If there is something I cannot get over with, then I still cannot get it over. Does it mean I still spend a lot of time on past issues? No.

Life is short, time is precious. Assuming I cannot forgive, it may be better to "forget" instead.

It does not mean I hate him or myself or anyone. I think nobody can make a wise decision in the area of love. It is always gonna be a bet, a gambling, and trial and error. Love is blind, and it is true. And will there be any A hole who will admit himself to be an A hole to you at the time of dating? I'm afraid not.

We can only know on hindsight.

So you are right, lesson learned. Anything can happen in relationship. Enjoy the happy times whenever possible, as these are the good memories to make you go through the difficult times. Once if you ever get hurt, do what a smart girl does - lesson learned, and move on with our lives, as we both clearly understand hurt is sometimes inevitable.

This makes us for who we are, and we accept this as part of our life journey. 


k   xoxo

How I see Friends

Dearest ML,

In your latest email you wrote about friends and your desire of keeping closer in touch with friends.

I am very bad in keeping in touch with friends. I can chat, make new friends easily but not at all good in keeping contacts with close, real friends. What I realize is -

Real friends are those who do not need to be in close contacts all the times.

Real friends are those who may not be close with you physically but close with you in heart.

Real friends are those who can talk and talk and share what is happening in life after months of no contact.

Real friends are those who will be there for you when you are down, need someone to talk to, when you need help.

Real friends can be those who are not even on your Facebook. 

Most importantly, it takes two to make real friends. 

So do real friends need "maintenance"?  Yes and no. You have to realize one fact - friends, are like guys and buses, they come and go. Time will tell who is the real friend. There is no need to push it too hard. And there is also no need to feel sad when you lose some of the "friends".

PS - by coincidence I was watching The Good Wife with M just now. There was a quote between Alicia and her brother like below.

Background: they were really close, and Alicia called her brother late night to have drinks in a bar and complained she doesn't have friends anymore.

Alicia: God, where are all my friends?
Brother: on your facebook


k   xoxo

Sir

Dearest ML,

One of my hobbies these days is to read how others become an entrepreneur and if and why they become successful.

The latest article I just read is how a famous Hong Kong record producer evolves to become a fashion designer and create his own brand called "Coolday, sir". Mind you he is also a father of 3 young sons!

Their style evolves Brit chic male fashion and they provoke 10 principles of how to become "sir" -

1. He knows when to say yes or no, but never maybe.

2. He speaks kindly, but always the truth.

3. He expects excellence of himself.

4. He delights in the excellence of others.

5. He is the first to arrive and the last to leave.

6. He is humble because he knows what he doesn't know.

7. He serves without being asked.

8. He knows the real value is not determined by fortune. 

9. He is chivalrous.

10. He prefers style over trend.

I found it so true not only for "sir" but for ladies as well (ok maybe except #7)! 

Maybe it is time to work out our version of "how to become a lady", in love & relationship, in career and in friendship...  :-)


k   xoxo

One year

Dearest ML,

Last night I was dropping a Facebook message to my Italian girlfriend to wish her bon voyage back home, then I realized it has been nearly 1 year since my trip to Italy, and then I realized one year ago I was dumped by B right before the Italy trip.

When you forgot about the time, it is an indication of healing.

When you move on with life and getting busy and gradually stop thinking about him / dwelling with why things happen, it is an indication of healing.

When you stop having any feeling in him, it is a GOOD indication of healing.  

When you feel like you are a happier person than before, it is an indication of healing.

Be thankful on what we have. Be thankful we are still alive and healthy. Be thankful we have a choice to lead a happy and fulfilling life.



k   xoxo

How to reject a guy who is interested in you...

Dearest ML,

Happy to hear you met a new friend :-) Keep the guy radar ON!

Re your question on how to reject a guy who expressed interested in you but not vice versa, I actually consulted our male consultant M and here is his suggestions -

1. White lies
It is time for white lies say I am sorry but I am seeing someone / ex BF etc.... You write so beautifully you surely know how to fill out the rest

2. Be honest
He suggested no harm to be honest (and be absolutely honest) and make it clear that there is absolutely no chance to be romantically involved - something like "oh you are such a nice person I am happy to have you as friends"

3. For me I may say
- I am not in mood in seeing anyone at the moment due to work / studies / bad breakup etc... (but may cause backfire and make him more persistent!)
- I am not available as I have a crush on someone in the paddling club / gym (which implies he is not your type!)

Honestly comparing the two, I think option 1 may be more viable and cause less damage to another party?

Regardless, like what I mentioned do not agree to go out any dates in future which may give mixed signals :0) You may be bored but hang out with your friends / buddies (that's what friends are for?)

Hope it helps, keep me posted

And like what your last post said, be thankful on what you have, and always hope for the best (especially in Christmas!!)


k   xoxo

So what??

Dearest ML,

You are lucky!! By pure coincidence I managed to dig out the Chinese article of "so what" attitude.

It begins like this (sorry I may not be good in translation):

Lately I attended a campaign called "iPaint xmas tree" at a shopping mall in Hong Kong where they invited a few disabled artist to design xmas trees. Some of them have hearing disability, some with physical disability. This makes me remember the book written by Nick Vujicic as he is a person born without any limbs. The tone of the book is light and I cannot feel any sense of unhappiness in his writing.

One line that he wrote is : 

"Disability is my physical attribute, there is no need to be upset by my physical attribute"

Very shocking!

I always ask myself "so what?"

Physical attribute can be referred as "if my nose is perfectly high and straight enough, if my legs are long enough" but the author (Nick) can see his in-born disability as his normal physical attribute, it proves his independent & adverse way of thinking can make him score A+ in general education in Hong Kong. When the majority of us are crazy about slimming, plastic surgery, botex etc... and being too concerned about how people's view on us, have we ever thought of seeing our imperfect area as our physical attribute?

Successful people always ask "why not?" to think out-of-the-box. We have to ask "so what?" often to adjust our thinking. We are overweight, we are slim, with short legs, or with bald head. The first line to say is "so what"? Then our self-confidence will immediately come back, and we feel good about ourselves.

I can further elaborate the above "physical attribute" and "so what?" logic to journey of life. When we encounter the inevitable unfortunate incidents that happen in our journey of life, we will realize how fragile our physical body can be, but our will (power) can be strong. I remember the author (Nick) wrote "my love life is irrelevant to my disability, most importantly is "I do not use disability as an excuse" because no one will find someone who's self pity and pathetic to be charming".

Look, if we have "so what", there is nothing much to be afraid of. Being dumped by someone, so what? This is inevitable in journey in life. Loss of job, so that? Also inevitable in journey of life.

So one line of "so what" can be very powerful. And to have a fulfilling life, it all begins with "so what".

=================================

Very meaningful huh?


k   xoxo

Debt

Dear ML,

I read an interesting article on newspaper yesterday. This is what it talked about - DEBT.

You know the Chinese is actually the biggest buyer of US treasury bonds (amount of USD11.483 trillion). Assuming Chinese population is 1.3 billion, on average Americans owe each Chinese USD883 or equivalent to a iPhone 4S! But since American population is only 322 million, so each American actually owes each Chinese four iPhone 4S!!!

As a matter of fact, US owes other foreigner investors of total USD96.214 trillion (as of March 2011), so each American actually has a debt of USD29,880.

Let's look at figures below on debt per person in respective European countries: 

Greece - USD34,489
Italy - USD34,970
Spain - USD16,114
Portugal - USD18,435

I was like - OMG, does it mean each newborn baby already has a debt on his / her shoulder right upon birth?

What happens? Why it happens?

And most importantly, what is going to happen?

We live in an age of turmoil where we spend too much (even for the governments). So it is about time to re-think what we wanna have, and really ask ourselves "do we need this" before we buy.


k   xoxo

Make Room

ML, thanks for the meaningful post on "Make Room".

Before "making room", I think it may help to have the following mindsets (aka smart girl survival tips):

#1 - Understand that things do happen for a reason

For all the good or the bad, things do happen for a reason. For example, you are dumped by this guy so that you can meet the next (better) guy!

You are dumped by this guy so that you can learn how to identify and deal with A holes better!

Learn from it, and benefit from it. Be smart, be wise.

#2 - Cherish the good memories

We cannot make the clock turn back. What happened happened. Cherish the good memories together (even after you delete the pictures or Facebook message or emails!). What make us today is all these experiences - there is no way you can complete omit the existence of something or someone in the past. And believe me, hating someone consumes your energy. Regretting something happened wastes your energy. So why bother?

#3 - Understand the process takes time 

Yes it is going to be a painful process and it takes time. For the time being, distract yourself - have girls talk, drinks, night out or even have a new haircut or a trip!

#4 - Most importantly, understand you have a choice

We only live once and we always have a choice how to live our lives. If we may have a choice of

(A) to waste time being angry with the A hole or ourselves, or
(B) to spend the same amount of time to make ourselves more beautiful and looking more attractive both physically and mentally.

Which one will you choose?

It is always a matter of choice.

And smart girls know how to make the right choice for themselves.  Always remember : if we wanna someone to love us, we must love ourselves first.


k  xoxo

Choice

Dear ML, in the last line of your latest post it reminds me again - life is a matter of choice. You can decide how you live your life. You can choose to be happy.

In a lot of times we simply forget we have this choice but start to blame others - blame colleagues, blame nasty boss, blame fate. But this is all wrong - we all have a choice, and a choice to be happy and live a life we wanna have.

I recently read an article on "SO WHAT?" - we are dumped. SO WHAT? We failed. SO WHAT? This is part of the process and part of the journey in life. 

Thank you so much again for the meaningful post. And I will start Jabu and other of my businesses asap.


k  xoxo

The High Road - my version

Dear ML, thanks so much for your posts! I have been busy in Hong Kong and... partly I do not have internet access readily available as in LA.

While you may think router is so normal, so common but it is not the case in my family. I never have any router in my home. I did not need one in the past. In any case, this time I am back, I know I need one. So I bought one. Then big time! I had a lot of quarrels with my dad - who believes Wi-fi got some radiation and this is bad for his health. And becoz the modem / router is next to his bed, he doesn't prefer me to use it at night.

I do not know if this is something related to his stubbornness - I can be very stubborn but living with parents is an ART. It is a matter of compromise as well. I know you have a difficult period. I only hope things are getting better know after your honest talk / sharing of feelings via whatever means (Facebook / SMS or even a note, it really doesn't matter). 

Likewise, part of my purpose of this trip is to understand my brother better. He is also experiencing some personal issues but reluctant to open up himself. So what can I do?? I can only reach out, and see if he gets back to me.

Family issues is all complicated. To certain extent all families are dysfunctional simply because no one is perfect. We also often project our expectations onto each other - and especially to family! For friends you can easily choose to walk away, but not for family. But you are right - it is a matter of choice, and I am still struggling. I can be really outspoken in some areas, but when dealing with my family, I decided to be more submissive simply becoz I know nothing much can be changed.

We all grow up one day. It does not mean we do not love our family, but just cannot get along anymore.

In any case, I hope moving out do more good than harm in your case. As for me, I am still struggling. M always advises me to adopt the Zen approach - simply put do not let them hurt you. Let's see.


k  xoxo

Thoughts on Thanksgiving

Dearest ML,

Happy thanksgiving :) It was actually my first thanksgiving ever in the States, and gave me a lot of thoughts.

I googled and briefly know the origin of thanksgiving is to give thanks to God - which is all good. It is also about family gathering and stuff - kinda like Chinese New Year. OK I got it.

M had been so kind and brought me to the volunteer work in Civic Center in Santa Monica, and we served food to the homeless / poor for 2.5 hours on the Thanksgiving Day. I just cannot believe there were SO many homeless / poor people waiting in line for food. It is just too bad. Considering Santa Monica is probably one of the wealthiest regions in the country (which I may be wrong), it is just sad to see the disparity between the poor and the rich is SO huge. No discrimination but those were people that were really homeless, that were stinky and with dirty clothes etc. Sad to see what's happening in this country. 

Then I saw the pie center - it was literally full of pies (I estimated it should be over 300??). Again there were people in this country wealthy enough to donate pies but so much homeless to feed.

Later that night we went to his uncle house for a nice dinner with his not-so-close relatives - in a very nice condol in Beverly Hills area. I cannot stop comparing the environment that I was in at night vs the Civic Center in the afternoon.

Possibly because thanksgiving is 1 month before Christmas, it has been a time for shopping (or Black Friday). The pile of discount booklets in LA times was literally two inches thick :0)

Put it this way, I know the Americans love spending but have they thought about:

- there are just some people in this country in the same land that are really really poor?
- why there is the constant need to spend / to buy?
- is it about time to think twice before we buy anything?

I am constantly thinking about the last point myself. Considering I packed 15 tops, 3 tees, 1 pair of long jeans, 1 demin mini-skirt, 3 pairs of shorts & 3 pairs of shoes for the almost 90 days stay in LA, I believe it is actually a breakthrough for me to reconsider what I should pack and what I should buy in future.

Clothing are actually more durable than you thought. Same for the shoes. 

Despite having said that, I did buy something for my friends and family for my return back home tomorrow.



k   xoxo

What is "Growth"?

Dearest ML,

We talk about "growth" recently but what exactly is growth? How I see is :

Growth is about how you see a situation better and deals with it better (incl relationship failure!)

Growth is about how you see yourself better, know your shortcomings and try to improve them (gradually) 

Growth is about how you see men better, and try not to let them dominate you (again incl relationship failure)

Growth is about how you see life better, how we see life as a journey, how to learn something new everyday and cherish everyday and everything we have (sometimes, incl dysfunctional family) 

Growth is about setting priorities - in job, in everyday, and in life

Growth is also about risk assessment - how we may better control the risk to minimal

I remember when I was in Hong Kong (X number of years ago) I had my times when I felt lost - I was working 9-5 everyday but I was lost. Lost in guys, lost in not knowing what I want in life.

I guess everyone goes through this sort of period, in search of meaning of life at some point of life.

While the guys' radar is on (in search of growth stock), the above should be able to help to keep reminding myself about what life is exactly about.

Life is about experience, and most importantly how to live a smarter life and do something fulfilling to ONESELF.

The whole journey begins by "love yourself"

k   xoxo

Height Be Taken

Dearest ML,

Congratulations on your blog! The title said it all "Height Be Taken" - so beautifully written (which is why Shakespeare is Shakespeare, no one can beat him :P)

Oh I sent your blog to M, and he just loved it (he said "that is a powerful / heavy sonnet! The sonnet is what love is really about") :) He is such a big fan of sonnets by Shakespeare, he recommends Sonnet 18 for lighter version: 

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee. 

I think it may be better he starts dating you instead :P

I think "Height be taken" can resonant the "growth stock concept" in my previous blog post and what you wrote in your last paragraph. Apart from the self journey of learning, ideally speaking, our Mr Right should be able to stimulate growth together, and in a way somehow pushing each other limit and live life to the fullest.

Having said that I have been thinking what else we may do in addition to the 3 principles I briefly wrote to facilitate the chance of discovering a growth stock. In real stock market you can track the stock performance, check their annual report etc... but what about for people?

Then I further think - the same actually applies to job / human resources area. I bet all employers would like to find a growth stock to work along / work for them but how to locate such a candidate?

A growth stock can also refer to a friend who inspires personal growth and who brings in interesting thoughts and conversation. 

So the art of discovering growth stock should definitely be included into our syllabus as well

k  xoxo

Pick Man like Picking Stock

Dear ML,

I just read a very interesting analogy from a column author that I like. I think she is in late 20s, Chinese, working in Wall Street now.

Today she wrote about pick man like picking a stock: 

- Do not pick those that are backed by national policy. They are too well taken care off, they cannot take care of themselves.

- Do not pick those with high PE ratio. They already got a bunch of faithful stockholders, cost is too high, ordinary girl cannot afford to buy.

- Do not pick those that are from heirs: they are not motivated to grow, spending time with them is wasting your time.

- Do not pick those that are from highly volatile and manipulative by brokers (aka players): there is no way to beat them and we can only get hurt eventually.

What can we choose then? A growth stock, which may be available 1 out of 1000.

Question is how to pick growth stock?

I think it boils down to 3 principles
- do your homework
- trial and error
- learn from mistakes


k   xoxo

Wiki How - Relationship

Dear ML,

It was great chatting with you today :)

By pure coincidence, I discovered Wiki How and check this out when you have time - on Relationship... Many different topics covered. I haven't browsed through all of them but it is funny ;-)

k   xoxo

Ask Amy

Dear ML,

I enjoy reading newspaper back-to-back. I always enjoy doing it especially in LA when I am not as busy as before. In Los Angeles Times there is a column called "Ask Amy" where readers can ask whatever question to Amy.

One time I remember it was from "Upset Grandma" who saw "outrageous" posts from her grandkids on Facebook and asking Amy if / how she should talk to them ;-)

Here is today's question -

"Dear Amy,

I was in a relationship with my ex-BF for 3 years. I broke up with him a few months ago because I felt that he did not make our relationship a priority.

Since the breakup we have stayed in touch. We have gone out a few times and have been sexually intimate. I have not dated anyone else, and he says he hasn't either.

He makes comments implying that he would like us to get back together. I have no intention of going into 2012 with this emotional baggage.

Should I suggest that we either maintain a platonic friendship or begin to try to re-establish a romantic relationship? I want him back only if he is capable of working at this.

Still in love"

Now let's see how Amy answered: 

"Dear Still,

Back in the Stone Age when I was young, there was a somewhat objectionable (but commonly used) expression to describe a predicament such as yours.

It involved a person having ready access to a cow and thus getting the cow's milk for free.

I'll give you a modern translation: as long as you and your ex are booty-calling friends with benefits, you two don't have much of an incentive to change your status.

For things to be different, you will have to act differently. You should tell him you want to back off until you have more clarity about things"

I cannot agree with Amy more especially on the point "for things to be different you will have to act differently" but wanna supplement a few points:

- Does "still in love" mimic any of our behavior? Especially in "wanna have ex back but I don't want this emotional baggage in 2012"?  

- I do not have much to offer to "still in love". The way she signs off the letter says it all.

- All I can say is it is unrealistic to expect one person to change especially after going through what they go through (been together, break up + sleeping together). It is very easy for them to be back together but the BF remains unchanged - simply becoz she has made things too easy for him.

- Actually there is nothing wrong with the status quo, but "still in love" may have been expecting too much. And too much expectation = too much disappointment (or in her own terms "emotional baggage")

Seriously we girls can also have friends with benefits too - but only when we are able to maintain our level of expectation, in staying content with the benefit and not expecting too much.

My advice is it may be easier for her to work on someone else for a fruitful and healthy relationship instead of spending time with this friend with benefits and creating emotional baggage for herself. 

k   xoxo

We all deserved to be loved

Dear S, thanks for your feedback and it inspires me to write this blog post - "we all deserved to be loved"

To begin with, I think this is universally true - even for A hole! But a lot of times we tend to forget:

- It is a process to find the right person to fall in love with, it involves (1) time (2) effort (3) luck (4) faith

- Falling in love means open yourself and be vulnerable, and be ready to get hurt.

- Falling in love is easy but maintaining a relationship is another separate lifelong topic.

- Falling in love can be as easy as falling out of love. It takes far more to maintain the relationship - or put it this way, depends on what sort of relationship you are looking for.

So yes we all deserved to be loved, but before anything, make sure you ask yourself: are you ready to fall in love? Is he equally ready?


k   xoxo

The Art of Dating Part Two - Be presentable

Dear ML,

I hope you did well with your study and exams (when it ends? It seems never ending)

I wrote about the art of dating some time ago, it is about time to go to part two - be presentable. Easy to say, hard to implement! How I see this is

1. Be presentable in appearance

It doesn't mean one needs to look like a model but at least clean and neat and presentable! There are actually a lot of minor things one can do (I am not exactly referring to plastic surgery!) but say basic makeup like eyeliner, mascara, blush and lip gloss can make one person look much better.

Trimming of hair cut and eye brows are prominent, same as the teeth - I cannot believe how many people do not take good care of their teeth! Go find a good dentist and visit him / her regularly. It is a big asset to have clean white teeth.  Make sure you have no bad breath - floss / rinse / mints etc...

If you are out for dinner, make sure no debris in your teeth - high risk item: anything that is green and black sesame

Wear a friendly big smile, and make your date feel easy and comfortable. 

2. Dress
In whatever occasion, dress appropriately. Do not over dress nor under dress (this is an art!). Let me quote you an example of not dressing appropriately:

Right just now M and I were having brunch and on the street there was a young girl having extremely short pair of jeans plus a pair of beige laced high heel shoes (not open toe). Bad, especially she does not have a good pair of legs. Sorry to be critical but if one dresses like that, it means you are inviting others to draw attention on you. As simple as that.

No need for a mother to tell you, only show off the parts that you are good at. If you don't know, experiment with your friends before going out.

As for dating, my rule of thumb is simple, dress something appropriate and make you feel comfortable. You won't prefer to have your mind to be distracted by say falling bra strap or falling tube dress, or uncomfortable shoes etc...
 
Special tips - to go a step further, if you wish, consider HIGH HEELS. It makes women feel sexy, and if needed you can "pretend" you need help on stairs~! It works every time hehe - but please make sure you feel comfortable with the heels first. If not stick with a nice pair of shoes. 

3. Wear a perfume
I love perfume! I cannot live without it. I do think every girl should find her own perfume, fall in love with it and keep using. It represents you, make you feel special, build up your sensuality and impress guys (trust me)

:-)

Told you many times, women earn to buy cosmetics, perfumes, and clothing. Sad to say, in this world, first impression counts especially in the world of dating.

Always remember: when you are checking out on people, other people are equally checking out on you at the same time. 

k  xoxo

Why we girls love to check out our ex on Facebook???

Dear ML,

During our recent Facebook message exchange, we both sadly admit we still check out our ex on the Facebook via some common friend or even their current girlfriend despite they are no longer our "friends" on the Facebook.

Today I skype with my another girlfriend S who did the same.

It brought me to one question - WHY??

Are we just being nosey?

Do we have too much time to spare?

Aren't we not getting enough hurt?

Or deep inside despite how the A hole treated us, there is still little part of us who care about the A hole, and somehow wanna stay contact with him, be friends with him regardless of the geographical distance and how long ago the broke up took place? 

WHY?

Because no one can erase the memory that we had together.

Because we do not want the memory between us to fade away.

Because somehow we are still expecting the A hole to do the same despite we know the chance is zero.

I think this just marks clearly the difference between men and women: when a man breaks up with a woman, he will tend to erase everything, pretend nothing happened, pretend we never met, pretend we are transparent when meet up, and not even a HI. 

When a woman breaks up, we always want / expect us to be "friends" and even start to question "why we are not friends?"  and then push ourselves into such a black hole of pain and sadness.

The answer is crystal clear - some A holes are simply not good enough to be our friends, not even worthwhile to deserve any of our time and attention.  And it is time for we girls to learn from men: be a man, be picky, be choosey, and move on with our lives with heads up.

k  xoxo

Ring shopping

Dear ML, dear E,

Thanks for feedback :) I know you guys are curious about the ring shopping. To begin with, throughout my love dating journey, sad to say nobody has given me any ring (not even a plastic one sob sob). Before I met M I had not said the 3 words (I L U) for years (to specify - my life was not without men but just not the right men).

Needless to say it was indeed a (very) big change for me to actually go ring shopping. I have never thought of it. I was the type of person with "marriage phobia", partly because I did not grow up in a loving and warm family.  

I still remember when I arrived LA, M brought me a sack of paper inside a folder (he's the super organized type). He said "here are the things I plan to do, to go, to visit with you.... oh by the way, I have taken a look on the rings and printed out for you"

I was like "OMG" ~~ I still remember my immediate reaction was literally "OK I don't wanna look at it" as

(1) I cannot believe someone actually said that to me
(2) I am scared to death

Having said that, as time passed by, I gradually thought it may not be a bad idea. So I started to look at his printout, and started checking things online (Tiffany to begin with, of course!), and we spent 1 hour at the Diamond District downtown to check out the "real stuff". 

And... to answer your question, no we have not bought anything but we know what we are looking for (something very subtle and elegant, I am too concerned if the ring got robbed!). He knows my ring size (which Uncle Sam said I actually got very thin finger).

Like what you said, there are so many gay men around, so many A holes around and the non-A hole ones may not be ready for anything but themselves. When you do meet a special non A hole who you love and he loves you more and you guys can get along and he is ready and happy to make such a commitment to you, why not have a thought and go for it?


k  xoxo

In response to Tom's "All the Single Ladies Put Your Hands Up" Post

Dear ML & g,

I hope you have spared some time to read through this terrific post!

1. So damn true that we girl meet up the wrong guy from the very beginning, someone who is an A hole, someone who is simply selfish and who cares more about himself, someone who doesn't know what he wants in life, or simply... someone who doesn't love you but just wanna an accompany for activities or sleeping buddy.

2. So damn true that one must be willing to suffer. It is not easy to tell an A hole from the very beginning. If we meet an A hole, we suffer. We cry lonely in bed to sleep (trust me, been there before). Assuming this is inevitable, the next question is "how we identify A hole" and "what we do if we meet an A hole"

3. So damn true of not giving up the faith. We must love ourselves first before someone loves us. We must treat ourselves with respect before someone treats us with respect.

4. So damn true in not settling for less. Why bother with how others see us or the senseless social labels attached to us? Why should we settle for less if we only deserve the best for respect, love and more?

5. So damn true in not going easy (hooking up). Your future husband or long term partner will not be interested in someone who hooks up easily. If you wanna have a ONS, fine. If you wanna have something serious, do not hook up easily.

6. So damn true in working out your own needs. How I see is sort out the qualities you are seeking in a stable loving partner. Be patient along the journey. Keep the guys radar on. Get yourself ready for your Mr. Right to come to your life. No one is perfect btw, be realistic and be ready to compromise.

When you are ready for the character how you wanna be in your love story: start preparing, start training (both physically and mentally). It is going to be a long journey, or "marathon" like what Tom said.

Be wise, be smart, be sexy, enjoy the ride and go with the flow.


k xoxo

Time change

Dear ML,

California had the time change to Pacific Standard Time at 2 am Sunday. Without much jargon it simply means the clock was pushed back 1 hour slower. I experienced this "historical moment" as I was on internet or something. Simply put by 2 am everything was changed to 1 am, including the clock on my laptop. Of course not every clock changes automatically (say the wrist watch)

I never have this sort of thing in my life. It makes me realize one thing - what is time? Is it something just simply subject to our definition? Or more importantly how we spend our time?

While I had 25 hours on that day, another day passed. I had a nice, quiet day with M as usual, my best friend gave birth to the most beautiful newborn baby I have seen. The sky goes darker earlier now. It is also cooler now compared to 2 months ago when I first arrived LA.

Whether we like it or not, the world won't stop. Everyone goes on with their lives.

While we have been (or had been) still moaning why we continue to care about our stupid ex, time do flies no matter what. Would it be better if we stop doing something, say being angry with ourselves or the jerk, trying to understand what happened or why it happened (like what R did to you, or B to me) etc.... and do something more constructive say have things thrown behind our back and move on with our lives?

It is simply because nothing much will change the outcome. Echoed with Tom's "Single Lady" post, we are doomed to experience pain. We are doomed to meet A hole(s) in the journey of life. If we do, and if we confirm someone to be an A hole to us, we should know what to do for the best interests of ourselves.

Seriously, do you think the A hole(s) will care that someone out there 10,000 km away still care / concern about them? This is like an investment with confirmed zero or negative ROI right from the very beginning.

Stop loss. And stop loss starting TODAY. 

k xoxo

Tom's Old Blog Post

Dear ML and G,

I was re-reading Tom's old blog post just now "All the Single Ladies Put Your Hands Up"... Too late to share my view now (a lot to share!) but please read his post (and if you have time, those who left comments as well)

More later

k xoxo

The Art of Dating Part One - Have a quirky little dirty joke

Dear ML,

I won't claim myself to be any expert but after SO many relationship failure, one thing I do admit. I love dating, I love the process of interacting with another person with interests in exploring, communicating and simply getting to know each other better (note: but not hooking up)

More tips on dating to follow but one thing I wanna point out first before forget - have a quirky little dirty joke in the pocket. You never know when you need it. Am happy to share any when I come across as these jokes are not easy to find.

For me, the key criteria for such jokes are:
- Simple so that you remember the details
- Got slightly dirty but humor effect

Here's one that I read in July / August Esquire Magazine recently:

An old man was asked to submit sperm specimen. When he came back to the doc, he said "Doc, I tried with my right hand. It didn't work. I tried with my left hand. It didn't work. I asked my wife to help, didn't work either. I even asked my young neighbor to help, but it didn't work out."

Doctor exclaimed "what?! You asked your neighbor for help?"

Old man replied "yes... none of us could open the jar"

The story actually reminded me of the apricot and almond jam handmade by my dear 89 year old friend Robert... The jar was extremely difficult to open!

k xoxo

PS: the above joke didn't mean to infringe any copyright of anyone

Like Crazy

Dear ML

If we were in the same city, we will have to watch "Like Crazy" together! I cannot even find the official website of the film but you can check out the review on NY Times.

Film is on screen now. I haven't watched it, will write more if I watch it. But it does remind me of Blue Valentine, the story of a married couple with their passion fades away (or corroded) by passage of time and reality. Go Netflix it if possible it is a good one.

As for Tomorrow, if nothing major happen, M and I should be doing some ring shopping :)

k xoxo

A lot

Just saw below in a signature of a forum:

"There is the verb to allot.
There is the noun, a lot.
There is no word, alot.

English lesson is now over."

;-)

Tom's Blog

Dear ML,

I have a confession to make. In doing "research" of the blog, I came across "wordpress", almost created the blog there but switched to blogger here as I don't wanna have ads. At Wordpress I came across a blogger called Tom (btw he is HOT!) and guess what his blog is about?

Productivity, Relationship, Spirituality and Tech

OMG. Weird combo but confession #1 to make: I was almost instantly addicted to his blog. His wife blog (Jess) is also  fantastic to read.

Here is an interesting piece by Tom that I'd like to share with you (I am sure Tom won't mind!)

6 Things to Stop Caring About Today

I read people's comments as well, many said they like #1 which is "stop caring about everyone's opinion of you".

Last night (actually this morning at 2 am) M had a word on me about my possible business venture ideas which has been delayed and delayed... He asked (gently) if I need any help / progress etc., but in my ears those words became "oh he is kicking my butt!!!"(confession #2)

I do care about him, and his comments. So I made a promise at that time, I need to get something started. Like what Tom wrote in the first sentence of his blog post "Everyday is an opportunity to start again".

It makes me realizes one thing. A lot of times I am too afraid to fail and ended up not doing anything. But seriously what exactly is stopping me - I can blame the designer, blame the manufacturer, blame the supplier, or is it more on the fear of losing money? Time?

Or " losing face" (ie the fear of how others see on me if I fail?)

O M G. I thought I don't give a damn on everyone's opinion (except a few on earth) but seems not the case.

M said "life is precious, time is short" (actually reverse of my version). I am going to start something. Even if it fails, it will be a good learning experience. A good exploratory exercise of myself.


I hope your exams today went well!


k    xoxo

PS - thanks Tom for your inspiring post :)

Today

Dear ML,

WE MADE IT - the first thing I did after I had my birthday. I am SO happy :) 

I spent too much time on configuration, plus a nice dinner with M at Chaya Venice (which btw, very nice, noisy and perfect for guys spotting.... er..... I mean for you only ;-))

Time for sleep (it is already 1:10am), I don't want him to wait for me. More later.

k   xoxo