Ask Amy

Dear ML,

I enjoy reading newspaper back-to-back. I always enjoy doing it especially in LA when I am not as busy as before. In Los Angeles Times there is a column called "Ask Amy" where readers can ask whatever question to Amy.

One time I remember it was from "Upset Grandma" who saw "outrageous" posts from her grandkids on Facebook and asking Amy if / how she should talk to them ;-)

Here is today's question -

"Dear Amy,

I was in a relationship with my ex-BF for 3 years. I broke up with him a few months ago because I felt that he did not make our relationship a priority.

Since the breakup we have stayed in touch. We have gone out a few times and have been sexually intimate. I have not dated anyone else, and he says he hasn't either.

He makes comments implying that he would like us to get back together. I have no intention of going into 2012 with this emotional baggage.

Should I suggest that we either maintain a platonic friendship or begin to try to re-establish a romantic relationship? I want him back only if he is capable of working at this.

Still in love"

Now let's see how Amy answered: 

"Dear Still,

Back in the Stone Age when I was young, there was a somewhat objectionable (but commonly used) expression to describe a predicament such as yours.

It involved a person having ready access to a cow and thus getting the cow's milk for free.

I'll give you a modern translation: as long as you and your ex are booty-calling friends with benefits, you two don't have much of an incentive to change your status.

For things to be different, you will have to act differently. You should tell him you want to back off until you have more clarity about things"

I cannot agree with Amy more especially on the point "for things to be different you will have to act differently" but wanna supplement a few points:

- Does "still in love" mimic any of our behavior? Especially in "wanna have ex back but I don't want this emotional baggage in 2012"?  

- I do not have much to offer to "still in love". The way she signs off the letter says it all.

- All I can say is it is unrealistic to expect one person to change especially after going through what they go through (been together, break up + sleeping together). It is very easy for them to be back together but the BF remains unchanged - simply becoz she has made things too easy for him.

- Actually there is nothing wrong with the status quo, but "still in love" may have been expecting too much. And too much expectation = too much disappointment (or in her own terms "emotional baggage")

Seriously we girls can also have friends with benefits too - but only when we are able to maintain our level of expectation, in staying content with the benefit and not expecting too much.

My advice is it may be easier for her to work on someone else for a fruitful and healthy relationship instead of spending time with this friend with benefits and creating emotional baggage for herself. 

k   xoxo