Dear ML, thanks so much for your posts! I have been busy in Hong Kong and... partly I do not have internet access readily available as in LA.
While you may think router is so normal, so common but it is not the case in my family. I never have any router in my home. I did not need one in the past. In any case, this time I am back, I know I need one. So I bought one. Then big time! I had a lot of quarrels with my dad - who believes Wi-fi got some radiation and this is bad for his health. And becoz the modem / router is next to his bed, he doesn't prefer me to use it at night.
I do not know if this is something related to his stubbornness - I can be very stubborn but living with parents is an ART. It is a matter of compromise as well. I know you have a difficult period. I only hope things are getting better know after your honest talk / sharing of feelings via whatever means (Facebook / SMS or even a note, it really doesn't matter).
Likewise, part of my purpose of this trip is to understand my brother better. He is also experiencing some personal issues but reluctant to open up himself. So what can I do?? I can only reach out, and see if he gets back to me.
Family issues is all complicated. To certain extent all families are dysfunctional simply because no one is perfect. We also often project our expectations onto each other - and especially to family! For friends you can easily choose to walk away, but not for family. But you are right - it is a matter of choice, and I am still struggling. I can be really outspoken in some areas, but when dealing with my family, I decided to be more submissive simply becoz I know nothing much can be changed.
We all grow up one day. It does not mean we do not love our family, but just cannot get along anymore.
In any case, I hope moving out do more good than harm in your case. As for me, I am still struggling. M always advises me to adopt the Zen approach - simply put do not let them hurt you. Let's see.
k xoxo
Your father sounds like mine...very stubborn, old-fashioned and set in his ways already.
ReplyDeleteLiving at home has taught me that I cannot change my parents...maybe I cannot even get them to see my point of view or ever get them to imagine what it must be like to be in my shoes.
I read in a book recently... you are not your parents. Don't ever try to be anyone other than yourself (or try so hard to please anyone other than yourself).
I think I have spent too much time trying to follow in my dad's footsteps that I push aside my own dreams and aspirations. I think I get angry, sad, jealous when my parents don't recognize my accomplishments or good deeds. They only find something to criticize.
How old is your brother? My sister is 17, going thru the teenager phase. I'm trying to understand her, too. It's sad we used to be so close and now she is very distant with me. But I will let her do her own thing for now and just be nice and open so she knows she can come to me for anything if she needs me.
The other day I asked my dad for a hug. "Did you pass the CPA?" I joked..."Is that what people have to do to get a hug around here?" Then he asked why do u need a hug... I said, just because I want a hug!
The high road is tough...but it is teaching me patience and compromise, like you said. For my stubborn nature, it has been a challenge, but I do it for the greater good - so that everyone can be just a little bit happier.
ML,
ReplyDeleteCommunication is an ART. More so for your family becoz you never have a choice on picking your family member. Regardless of the good or the bad one has to suck it up, to learn to live with them, and try to compromise.
I can totally feel for your feelings towards your parents. Mine are the same (or worse). They have their high standard, they are conservative, they never know how to express their ideas in a warmth and loving manner. They treat us like a little child, yet expect us to achieve high. Sigh.
We all wanna have a perfect and harmonious family relationship but in reality, no... We are different individuals, we love each other but we cannot communicate.
I am way older than you, my brother is in his early 30s, married with a young son. He is working and living abroad now, so our distance is huge. We used to be close (or very close) when we were younger. We can talk endlessly on the phone for over 1 hour but those were the days.
Now he hardly replies to my whatsapp message.
We all live once. Sometimes we have to understand there are a lot of times we cannot make a change to another person but to accept them, to learn how to interact with them, and also to learn NOT to be hurt by them. It is gonna be difficult, with ups and downs along the high road.
Whatever it is along the high road, make no regret. We only live once.
xoxo