Dearest ML,
A stupid question to ask - do you think we really have to "work"? Work meaning to have a job and get a pay check, despite you may face ridiculous and unreasonable boss, despite you may not learn anything new from the routine job.
My parents thought I need to work. To me work is more like generating income and ideally accumulate wealth. If I can generate sufficient income to support my daily expenses and assuming this is something that I enjoy doing, do you think we still need to work?
And life is not exactly about "money" or "wealth". We can be poor but do something we truly enjoy or bring meaning to others. If so, what's the point of "work"?
I do not foresee going back to the corporate world for the time being. I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy taking risks, I enjoy doing something that bring benefits back to the community. And honestly my family is not under any financial pressure, I do not understand why they insist I need to "work".
Your view please?
k xoxo
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Letting go and getting strong
Dearest ML,
Thanks for your long email! I finally have time to respond and summarized what I wrote to you on whatsapp.
R wrote you something on Facebook. You replied, then you got his short reply. Then you were upset by his short reply, and all the memories flooded back. Did you see any pattern in this and WHY you were upset?
Could it have been your over-expectation on him - that you expect him to feel for you in the same degree as you do?
I can certainly understand your frustration on his reply. What a jerk! But what else can you expect from him? What you had with him is the end, finished. Like what I suggested, try practice selective memory. Hold the good memories and let go of the bad ones. Remember the bad memories do no good to your well being. Keep saying your brain is small, you got your study to do may help as well :)
Likewise, my memory for B is fading. And it took me more than one year to do so. There is really no short cut in this. I wish there were some button for letting go once and for all. It is a gradual process. with no short cut. When you do let go, you may be surprised how much time it takes, or how much little time it takes.
And next time if R approaches you again, DO NOT REPLY. Do not give him any sort of feedback. Let him speculate. If a guy is interested in you, he will approach you again. And this is really true. Guys in Hong Kong have been surrounded by "aggressive" ladies and almost forgot this golden rule. It is the time for you to sit back, and prioritize what you really want to do in your life.
I am also sorry to hear about your unhappiness story with your last job in Hong Kong. Being cheated is definitely not good. Being bad mouth behind your back is worst. But one thing you have to realize - both incidents are out of your control. You cannot control how people feel about you, how they talk about you (even after you left). The key is to control what you can control.
In this universe there is one person you need to come clean with, and this is yourself. Take time to reflect if there is any area you may have handled better, and without focus on the harm and damage on what others have done on you.
Focus on what you learn from the incident - say would it be better to keep a safe distance with your colleagues, or not being so trusting to your boss / colleagues, or even say to be a stronger person so that you will be less affected by others' comments?
I always talk about being a stronger person. It stems from inside but not outside. It is the feeling of self confidence, competency and being content with yourself (work, friends, family, love life etc). You may have done all things perfect but without any recognition or praise from others. So what? For me, I'd rather focus on coming clean with yourself, that you can sleep tight at night, and that you feel happy about yourself.
This is what really matters.
You wrote about the "why me" mentality. Will you ask yourself this when good things happen on you? You cannot expect life to be without any hurdle, right?
k xoxo
Thanks for your long email! I finally have time to respond and summarized what I wrote to you on whatsapp.
R wrote you something on Facebook. You replied, then you got his short reply. Then you were upset by his short reply, and all the memories flooded back. Did you see any pattern in this and WHY you were upset?
Could it have been your over-expectation on him - that you expect him to feel for you in the same degree as you do?
I can certainly understand your frustration on his reply. What a jerk! But what else can you expect from him? What you had with him is the end, finished. Like what I suggested, try practice selective memory. Hold the good memories and let go of the bad ones. Remember the bad memories do no good to your well being. Keep saying your brain is small, you got your study to do may help as well :)
Likewise, my memory for B is fading. And it took me more than one year to do so. There is really no short cut in this. I wish there were some button for letting go once and for all. It is a gradual process. with no short cut. When you do let go, you may be surprised how much time it takes, or how much little time it takes.
And next time if R approaches you again, DO NOT REPLY. Do not give him any sort of feedback. Let him speculate. If a guy is interested in you, he will approach you again. And this is really true. Guys in Hong Kong have been surrounded by "aggressive" ladies and almost forgot this golden rule. It is the time for you to sit back, and prioritize what you really want to do in your life.
I am also sorry to hear about your unhappiness story with your last job in Hong Kong. Being cheated is definitely not good. Being bad mouth behind your back is worst. But one thing you have to realize - both incidents are out of your control. You cannot control how people feel about you, how they talk about you (even after you left). The key is to control what you can control.
In this universe there is one person you need to come clean with, and this is yourself. Take time to reflect if there is any area you may have handled better, and without focus on the harm and damage on what others have done on you.
Focus on what you learn from the incident - say would it be better to keep a safe distance with your colleagues, or not being so trusting to your boss / colleagues, or even say to be a stronger person so that you will be less affected by others' comments?
I always talk about being a stronger person. It stems from inside but not outside. It is the feeling of self confidence, competency and being content with yourself (work, friends, family, love life etc). You may have done all things perfect but without any recognition or praise from others. So what? For me, I'd rather focus on coming clean with yourself, that you can sleep tight at night, and that you feel happy about yourself.
This is what really matters.
You wrote about the "why me" mentality. Will you ask yourself this when good things happen on you? You cannot expect life to be without any hurdle, right?
k xoxo
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Transforming Ex into Friends
Dearest ML,
Hope your D day went well!! Look forward to your great news :)
Had a very nice catch up with my ex last night. Our relationship surprisingly has been well after breakup, to the extent I am still trying to understand what caused the smooth transition. He was the one who brought up the breakup and caught me out of guard, I should be the one with negative feelings. But in reality, I am quite happy with our status quo now.
Why? Put it this way, sometimes a guy may better be a friend than boyfriend. We girls always have special list of "requirements" for boyfriend. For this ex, obviously he performs a better friend than boyfriend due to a lot of reasons, partly due to his job, partly due to his own mentality. All these are out of my control.
When I was in relationship with him, I had no complaint. I accepted this and I was head over heels for him (I think I am still so today, ha!). But on hindsight, we all deserve the best. M is currently the best for me. I still have no complaint for M which is kind of rare :)
How I see our relationship now with this ex? It is kind of like "divorced couple but with very good friendship". We care about each other, we share and talk a lot. He will always have a special place in my heart. I do not know about vice versa but probably so. I even asked the fortune teller about him, and prediction came back positive. Ha!
I had my doubts if I should ask if he's seeing anyone. I was a bit confused if I still have the fantasy that we shall get back together, and if so I will get upset upon hearing his answer for that question. Eventually I did ask him in person last night, and he said he has been casually seeing someone for a few months.
Thought I will get upset but surprisingly I did not. On second thought I am genuinely happy for him - whether he is single / seeing anyone / even getting married and have kids, it really does not matter. I want him to be happy. I feel like our relationship actually transcends to another level.
Unfortunately I do not have any more ex like him. This may be a good thing if not I will be very busy catching up with each of them :0) Most of my exes are like strangers - either I do not have interests to keep in touch with them, or they treat me as strangers.
But does it mean I hate any of them? No, because I understand guys are kind of like buses, they come and go. When a suitable bus comes, you hop along, and hop off at the destination. And then the bus will be gone. Sometimes you will catch the same bus again, but most of the time, you do not even see the same bus.
I know you still have grudges with R, hope this post will give you some inspiration. Does he worth to be your friends? If not, you may be happier to see him as a bus. You had your ride, you had fun and sweet memories and that's it.
He is just a bus.
So if you ask me if there is any formula to transform ex into friends? The answer is no, I do not have specific formula. If so I feel like I may become a millionaire by selling books of this sort! However I realize it does take two for the transition. So first question is are you ready? And even if you are ready, you have to assess if the other party is equipped with the maturity for the same transition and whether he is worthwhile to become your friends.
We talked about this before, it does take time for the transition and most importantly, more time to maintain this type of close friendship.
k xoxo
Hope your D day went well!! Look forward to your great news :)
Had a very nice catch up with my ex last night. Our relationship surprisingly has been well after breakup, to the extent I am still trying to understand what caused the smooth transition. He was the one who brought up the breakup and caught me out of guard, I should be the one with negative feelings. But in reality, I am quite happy with our status quo now.
Why? Put it this way, sometimes a guy may better be a friend than boyfriend. We girls always have special list of "requirements" for boyfriend. For this ex, obviously he performs a better friend than boyfriend due to a lot of reasons, partly due to his job, partly due to his own mentality. All these are out of my control.
When I was in relationship with him, I had no complaint. I accepted this and I was head over heels for him (I think I am still so today, ha!). But on hindsight, we all deserve the best. M is currently the best for me. I still have no complaint for M which is kind of rare :)
How I see our relationship now with this ex? It is kind of like "divorced couple but with very good friendship". We care about each other, we share and talk a lot. He will always have a special place in my heart. I do not know about vice versa but probably so. I even asked the fortune teller about him, and prediction came back positive. Ha!
I had my doubts if I should ask if he's seeing anyone. I was a bit confused if I still have the fantasy that we shall get back together, and if so I will get upset upon hearing his answer for that question. Eventually I did ask him in person last night, and he said he has been casually seeing someone for a few months.
Thought I will get upset but surprisingly I did not. On second thought I am genuinely happy for him - whether he is single / seeing anyone / even getting married and have kids, it really does not matter. I want him to be happy. I feel like our relationship actually transcends to another level.
Unfortunately I do not have any more ex like him. This may be a good thing if not I will be very busy catching up with each of them :0) Most of my exes are like strangers - either I do not have interests to keep in touch with them, or they treat me as strangers.
But does it mean I hate any of them? No, because I understand guys are kind of like buses, they come and go. When a suitable bus comes, you hop along, and hop off at the destination. And then the bus will be gone. Sometimes you will catch the same bus again, but most of the time, you do not even see the same bus.
I know you still have grudges with R, hope this post will give you some inspiration. Does he worth to be your friends? If not, you may be happier to see him as a bus. You had your ride, you had fun and sweet memories and that's it.
He is just a bus.
So if you ask me if there is any formula to transform ex into friends? The answer is no, I do not have specific formula. If so I feel like I may become a millionaire by selling books of this sort! However I realize it does take two for the transition. So first question is are you ready? And even if you are ready, you have to assess if the other party is equipped with the maturity for the same transition and whether he is worthwhile to become your friends.
We talked about this before, it does take time for the transition and most importantly, more time to maintain this type of close friendship.
k xoxo
Monday, January 16, 2012
Japanese Women and Japanese Culture
Dearest ML,
My friend S who is an intelligent Japanese woman is having a tough time. She is very smart but I do think she is living in a wrong culture that does not appreciate her. We had a few email exchange on this and the "real" Japanese culture. It is funny how a lot of Hong Kong people / foreigners are fascinated about the Japanese culture but how much do they really know about it?
With her permission, here is how S sees it. A little bit more background about S, she is approaching 30, speaks fluent English and Japanese with good degrees but struggling to find a job. Why?
- Japanese is "expected" to be high conforming / obeying & suppressed, and it is difficult to break the "norm".
- Women without make-up will get bad impression and disliked by both women and men. So Japanese women spend a lot of time on putting on (heavy) makeup and spend a lot of time on clothes. I think they are really concerned about their appearance and how people perceive them, and thus conforming into the social role with a particular mode of behavior.
- They are also taught to behave in good manners and play the "role" perfectly. But as we all know this is not 100% of the case and so they feel very frustrated, and they bad mouth their colleagues behind their back, behave and talk very differently among women or close friends / co-workers.
People from other countries say Japanese women are quiet, obedient and beautiful. But they are shockingly two-faced (in S exact wordings), as in multiple personality disorder. They are not allowed to express their opinion freely and the only way to relieve stress is behind the back.
When S was working at the airport, some colleagues asked her for gathering but they were badmouthing other colleagues for 8 hours (I cannot believe this!). They act so nicely in front of them yet hate them actually. She received this sort of invitation sometimes but eventually dropped the idea of going as it had always been a 8 hour bad mouth competition.
OMG, how tiring that will be!!
- Japanese practices the age hierarchy where people judge other people simply by their age. In S terms, some people behave like a king / queen just because they are older than you, even one year old than you.
More than once, I heard about Japanese women do not receive same wage treatment as with their male co-worker. It means even if they are doing the same job, they do not receive the same wage.
I once watched a TV program on how Japanese women were being treated in the job market. They can get entry level job, and then a few years most of them will quit to stay home and take care of the kids. Promotional prospect is minimal.
Having said that, I am truly happy that I do not live in Japan! I mean if I think I am not a Chinese in Hong Kong society, very likely I will commit suicide in Japan if I were a Japanese!
Why am I writing this blog post? Nothing will change unless we do something about it. So S, think about it again - if you wanna a change you can move to some other places (especially you now have D), conduct advocacy campaign, join in an organization to gather similar voices and do something. This is how I see it. You may not change this overnight (nobody can) but to have a change, someone must take a lead and do something.
And that person can be you.
k xoxo
My friend S who is an intelligent Japanese woman is having a tough time. She is very smart but I do think she is living in a wrong culture that does not appreciate her. We had a few email exchange on this and the "real" Japanese culture. It is funny how a lot of Hong Kong people / foreigners are fascinated about the Japanese culture but how much do they really know about it?
With her permission, here is how S sees it. A little bit more background about S, she is approaching 30, speaks fluent English and Japanese with good degrees but struggling to find a job. Why?
- Japanese is "expected" to be high conforming / obeying & suppressed, and it is difficult to break the "norm".
- Women without make-up will get bad impression and disliked by both women and men. So Japanese women spend a lot of time on putting on (heavy) makeup and spend a lot of time on clothes. I think they are really concerned about their appearance and how people perceive them, and thus conforming into the social role with a particular mode of behavior.
- They are also taught to behave in good manners and play the "role" perfectly. But as we all know this is not 100% of the case and so they feel very frustrated, and they bad mouth their colleagues behind their back, behave and talk very differently among women or close friends / co-workers.
People from other countries say Japanese women are quiet, obedient and beautiful. But they are shockingly two-faced (in S exact wordings), as in multiple personality disorder. They are not allowed to express their opinion freely and the only way to relieve stress is behind the back.
When S was working at the airport, some colleagues asked her for gathering but they were badmouthing other colleagues for 8 hours (I cannot believe this!). They act so nicely in front of them yet hate them actually. She received this sort of invitation sometimes but eventually dropped the idea of going as it had always been a 8 hour bad mouth competition.
OMG, how tiring that will be!!
- Japanese practices the age hierarchy where people judge other people simply by their age. In S terms, some people behave like a king / queen just because they are older than you, even one year old than you.
More than once, I heard about Japanese women do not receive same wage treatment as with their male co-worker. It means even if they are doing the same job, they do not receive the same wage.
I once watched a TV program on how Japanese women were being treated in the job market. They can get entry level job, and then a few years most of them will quit to stay home and take care of the kids. Promotional prospect is minimal.
Having said that, I am truly happy that I do not live in Japan! I mean if I think I am not a Chinese in Hong Kong society, very likely I will commit suicide in Japan if I were a Japanese!
Why am I writing this blog post? Nothing will change unless we do something about it. So S, think about it again - if you wanna a change you can move to some other places (especially you now have D), conduct advocacy campaign, join in an organization to gather similar voices and do something. This is how I see it. You may not change this overnight (nobody can) but to have a change, someone must take a lead and do something.
And that person can be you.
k xoxo
Making Decision
Dearest ML,
Everyday we make endless decisions. I guess one of the keys is to make a decision after evaluating realistic facts.
Echoing my previous blog post, if there is no hope in finding love in a hopeless place, why not go somewhere else? The world is not hopeless. Hong Kong is hopeless in that aspect only doesn't mean the rest of the world is like that.
And right now I am in the junction of what to do with my life. I have a lot of ideas yet I am not sure if any of them will work out. But I think the key is it really does not matter. Life is a journey. Assuming the destination for everyone is the same (I mean death - not heaven or hell) then what matters most is the journey itself.
We can all take lead to steer how our life to be, and you pointed it out exactly. So, yes I will spend some time on the Tibet trip and evaluate possibilities. I think it will be awesome.
k xoxo
Everyday we make endless decisions. I guess one of the keys is to make a decision after evaluating realistic facts.
Echoing my previous blog post, if there is no hope in finding love in a hopeless place, why not go somewhere else? The world is not hopeless. Hong Kong is hopeless in that aspect only doesn't mean the rest of the world is like that.
And right now I am in the junction of what to do with my life. I have a lot of ideas yet I am not sure if any of them will work out. But I think the key is it really does not matter. Life is a journey. Assuming the destination for everyone is the same (I mean death - not heaven or hell) then what matters most is the journey itself.
We can all take lead to steer how our life to be, and you pointed it out exactly. So, yes I will spend some time on the Tibet trip and evaluate possibilities. I think it will be awesome.
k xoxo
We Found Love (in a hopeless place)
Dearest ML,
Thanks for sharing with me this song by Rihanna & the lyrics. Did you watch the video (also in the same link), its all about sex / lust, drugs and death (?)
Of course this is just a song / MV but I would not expect to find love in a hopeless place, which is a major reason why I went to the States.
You mentioned that what I wrote about Hong Kong and the dating scene of expats is true. If so what is the point of still "hoping" to find love in a hopeless place? This is totally self-contradictory.
This brought me to think - we girls do have a tendency to have dreams, the dreams of something may / will happen (say for example find love in hopeless place). But if we all know the chance is slim (to very slim), then what's the point of still having this hope?
Yes I agree we should all have hope(s), but at the same time, need to control our hopes so that we are able to manage our expectations realistically.
You mentioned to me you have / had a hope that by your age now you will find a boyfriend / get engaged / be successful in your career. I just wanna add - do not put a age limit on your hope. This is totally unnecessary. The more you think about it, the more you will be disappointed by an imaginary age limit which does no good but give unnecessary pressure onto yourself.
Likewise a lot of girls in Hong Kong do have a tendency to think like that, say "oh I need to get married by 30 and have kids". Stop it. The more you think about it, the more you will have a tendency of rushing into marriage and end up having even more problems.
And like what I said before finding a BF / get engaged may not be the solution but beginning of more problems. Who knows? May be this is part of my hesitation with M (not sex, silly!). I told you on email I am not used to believe in marriage. I do not think it will work in sustaining any relationship. But rather it is more on the mental issue - "are you ready to spend the rest of life with this person in spite of the death, illness and all difficulties and resist all temptations". The wedding vow should not be just a sentence spoken at the wedding ceremony, it is a "mandate" that should be honored with or without the wedding certificate. Of course the wedding certificate does have its purpose (say legal status and thus tax issues etc) but I would see more on the issue "am I ready to honor the mandate yet?"
If the answer is "not yet", then probably I should not accept any ring.
Yes it has been half a year of transition. Life is full of transition. I am undergoing it, you are as well. I think there are a few principles that I will try to stick with, do my best, and see what fate has arranged for us.
Good luck with your exam, I really hope you can make it this time!!!
k xoxo
PS - I have been re-reading your email you wrote "I guess I just wished I had the comfort of a boyfriend who could help me to feel like I can accomplish and do/be anything and he would back me up". On 2nd thought, M actually does give me this sense of feeling. I told him before he is like my cheerleader who supports me and feels like I can accomplish anything I would like to do, and not to mention he does provide such an environment on this. So this should be a big plus side :)
Thanks for sharing with me this song by Rihanna & the lyrics. Did you watch the video (also in the same link), its all about sex / lust, drugs and death (?)
Of course this is just a song / MV but I would not expect to find love in a hopeless place, which is a major reason why I went to the States.
You mentioned that what I wrote about Hong Kong and the dating scene of expats is true. If so what is the point of still "hoping" to find love in a hopeless place? This is totally self-contradictory.
This brought me to think - we girls do have a tendency to have dreams, the dreams of something may / will happen (say for example find love in hopeless place). But if we all know the chance is slim (to very slim), then what's the point of still having this hope?
Yes I agree we should all have hope(s), but at the same time, need to control our hopes so that we are able to manage our expectations realistically.
You mentioned to me you have / had a hope that by your age now you will find a boyfriend / get engaged / be successful in your career. I just wanna add - do not put a age limit on your hope. This is totally unnecessary. The more you think about it, the more you will be disappointed by an imaginary age limit which does no good but give unnecessary pressure onto yourself.
Likewise a lot of girls in Hong Kong do have a tendency to think like that, say "oh I need to get married by 30 and have kids". Stop it. The more you think about it, the more you will have a tendency of rushing into marriage and end up having even more problems.
And like what I said before finding a BF / get engaged may not be the solution but beginning of more problems. Who knows? May be this is part of my hesitation with M (not sex, silly!). I told you on email I am not used to believe in marriage. I do not think it will work in sustaining any relationship. But rather it is more on the mental issue - "are you ready to spend the rest of life with this person in spite of the death, illness and all difficulties and resist all temptations". The wedding vow should not be just a sentence spoken at the wedding ceremony, it is a "mandate" that should be honored with or without the wedding certificate. Of course the wedding certificate does have its purpose (say legal status and thus tax issues etc) but I would see more on the issue "am I ready to honor the mandate yet?"
If the answer is "not yet", then probably I should not accept any ring.
Yes it has been half a year of transition. Life is full of transition. I am undergoing it, you are as well. I think there are a few principles that I will try to stick with, do my best, and see what fate has arranged for us.
Good luck with your exam, I really hope you can make it this time!!!
k xoxo
PS - I have been re-reading your email you wrote "I guess I just wished I had the comfort of a boyfriend who could help me to feel like I can accomplish and do/be anything and he would back me up". On 2nd thought, M actually does give me this sense of feeling. I told him before he is like my cheerleader who supports me and feels like I can accomplish anything I would like to do, and not to mention he does provide such an environment on this. So this should be a big plus side :)
Friday, January 6, 2012
"I'd rather be alone"
Dearest ML,
On 2nd thought, I think I will write a blog post on this.
This is the line that B said on that night as breakup reason in spite we did not have much argument etc... It just came out of nowhere.
Like what I wrote previously, I found it is just a complete BS and what makes me feel resentful as of today. It is a statement that also reflects his selfishness, immaturity and insensitivity and how he sees me as a dump ass.
Regardless, the purpose of my blog post is... if you ever wanna breakup with someone, please do not use this line. It brings so much pain and sorrow to the other party.
Like everything else, breakup does need a bit of "marketing" and packaging to minimize the hurt and damage.
k xoxo
On 2nd thought, I think I will write a blog post on this.
This is the line that B said on that night as breakup reason in spite we did not have much argument etc... It just came out of nowhere.
Like what I wrote previously, I found it is just a complete BS and what makes me feel resentful as of today. It is a statement that also reflects his selfishness, immaturity and insensitivity and how he sees me as a dump ass.
Regardless, the purpose of my blog post is... if you ever wanna breakup with someone, please do not use this line. It brings so much pain and sorrow to the other party.
Like everything else, breakup does need a bit of "marketing" and packaging to minimize the hurt and damage.
k xoxo
Relationship with A Future
Dearest ML,
Thanks for sharing with me the updates with R and your ex. I wrote in another email reply to my friend S on how I see relationship now - I prefer to have a relationship with a future.
Your romance with R is full of passion but for whatever reasons it ended up short. I sort of joked about my romance history that I can write a book about it hehe. Nothing to brag about but I had those days with a relationship like that, so much indulgence, full of passion etc but no future. Maybe it was me not ready to settle down. But the norm of dating expats in Hong Kong is... they seldom talk about future. They never see Hong Kong as their home / place to stay for long term. How can you expect someone like that, in a "transitional phase" to make any commitment?
I realize we all have different chapters in life, with different focuses. And guys, are more like ornaments. It is good to have them, but it is OK not to have them because they are "ornaments" but not necessity. What is more important is our believes, our values, and how we see ourselves.
You asked me how I settle in US life. I can say I enjoy it a lot. Last night I had a brief discussion with M, I think he has made me a happier person. He is more like a cheerleader to me, to support me emotionally, and give me room to fulfill my dreams. And our relationship is a relationship with future - I "sort of" know where we are heading to and nothing like what I had in the past where the guy may just dump you in one second and said "I prefer to be alone" (on hindsight such a BS and this is part of the reason why I still feel resentment for him).
Another reason I guess is living in the States where I have less things to worry about compared to Hong Kong, and not to mention a "better" environment with less pollution and people!
But of course the "location" is not exactly the main point - the key is the place where you can find happiness, where you can find meaning in whatever you are doing.
So in my next chapter of life, I guess this relationship is going to play a bit of part. Even though I see guys are ornaments, it is still good to have one when you find a good one :)
k xoxo
Thanks for sharing with me the updates with R and your ex. I wrote in another email reply to my friend S on how I see relationship now - I prefer to have a relationship with a future.
Your romance with R is full of passion but for whatever reasons it ended up short. I sort of joked about my romance history that I can write a book about it hehe. Nothing to brag about but I had those days with a relationship like that, so much indulgence, full of passion etc but no future. Maybe it was me not ready to settle down. But the norm of dating expats in Hong Kong is... they seldom talk about future. They never see Hong Kong as their home / place to stay for long term. How can you expect someone like that, in a "transitional phase" to make any commitment?
I realize we all have different chapters in life, with different focuses. And guys, are more like ornaments. It is good to have them, but it is OK not to have them because they are "ornaments" but not necessity. What is more important is our believes, our values, and how we see ourselves.
You asked me how I settle in US life. I can say I enjoy it a lot. Last night I had a brief discussion with M, I think he has made me a happier person. He is more like a cheerleader to me, to support me emotionally, and give me room to fulfill my dreams. And our relationship is a relationship with future - I "sort of" know where we are heading to and nothing like what I had in the past where the guy may just dump you in one second and said "I prefer to be alone" (on hindsight such a BS and this is part of the reason why I still feel resentment for him).
Another reason I guess is living in the States where I have less things to worry about compared to Hong Kong, and not to mention a "better" environment with less pollution and people!
But of course the "location" is not exactly the main point - the key is the place where you can find happiness, where you can find meaning in whatever you are doing.
So in my next chapter of life, I guess this relationship is going to play a bit of part. Even though I see guys are ornaments, it is still good to have one when you find a good one :)
k xoxo
De-facebook
Dearest ML,
Funny that you brought up the topic about Facebook in our last email and that you are spending much less time on it. On the contrary, I found myself spending comparatively more time on it in view I have been in the States. It is indeed a good way to stay in touch with friends but there are certain aspects that I dislike about Facebook -
1. Privacy - I value my privacy and I would not prefer to disclose everything on that platform.
2. And you do bring up one good point - comparison. Am I comparing my life with others on Facebook even unconsciously? You know my facebook I check it but I seldom make new posting. So in a way I do know how others are doing, how my ex is having a great time with his GF etc... And not to mention a lot of my high school / uni-mates are married with kids now with a few more babies on the way. So I have to ask myself - do I have any benefit from "peeking" into others' life?
3. I'd appreciate a more in-depth approach to my genuine friends whereas I do not see how I can benefit from leaving note / 1 line on their wall?
I cannot agree with you more that Facebook can be toxic. I know people start to de-facebook for various reasons. Some of my friends never have Facebook and they still survive! So maybe I will do that one day, but for the time being, I know I am not yet ready and prefer to leave the status quo.
k xoxo
Funny that you brought up the topic about Facebook in our last email and that you are spending much less time on it. On the contrary, I found myself spending comparatively more time on it in view I have been in the States. It is indeed a good way to stay in touch with friends but there are certain aspects that I dislike about Facebook -
1. Privacy - I value my privacy and I would not prefer to disclose everything on that platform.
2. And you do bring up one good point - comparison. Am I comparing my life with others on Facebook even unconsciously? You know my facebook I check it but I seldom make new posting. So in a way I do know how others are doing, how my ex is having a great time with his GF etc... And not to mention a lot of my high school / uni-mates are married with kids now with a few more babies on the way. So I have to ask myself - do I have any benefit from "peeking" into others' life?
3. I'd appreciate a more in-depth approach to my genuine friends whereas I do not see how I can benefit from leaving note / 1 line on their wall?
I cannot agree with you more that Facebook can be toxic. I know people start to de-facebook for various reasons. Some of my friends never have Facebook and they still survive! So maybe I will do that one day, but for the time being, I know I am not yet ready and prefer to leave the status quo.
k xoxo
Monday, January 2, 2012
Used Furniture Theory
Dearest ML,
Like my whatsapp discussed, what if we see our ex as "used furniture"?
Then -
1. He is an object. It is not necessary to attach too much emotions onto "it".
2. What if he is dating somebody else? He is an "used furniture" and I do not want "it" / it doesn't fit me anymore. Please feel free to take it & make use of it.
Seriously, I only wish I could have realized this a little bit earlier. Then I guess I can omit quite a bit of sorrow and unhappiness for that piece of "used furniture".
Revelation is - at the end of the day it all depends on our interpretation. And a smart girl will interpret the story in an angle that causes less pain and emotional distress.
k xoxo
Like my whatsapp discussed, what if we see our ex as "used furniture"?
Then -
1. He is an object. It is not necessary to attach too much emotions onto "it".
2. What if he is dating somebody else? He is an "used furniture" and I do not want "it" / it doesn't fit me anymore. Please feel free to take it & make use of it.
Seriously, I only wish I could have realized this a little bit earlier. Then I guess I can omit quite a bit of sorrow and unhappiness for that piece of "used furniture".
Revelation is - at the end of the day it all depends on our interpretation. And a smart girl will interpret the story in an angle that causes less pain and emotional distress.
k xoxo
Our past
Dearest ML,
Thanks for sharing your story with me on whatsapp earlier.
There are a few points I'd like to get back to you in more details on your story.
1. We all have some unpleasant personal history that we hope it may be erased by pressing a button or using an eraser. It can be a nude topless photo in bath tub while we were a kid, or a really ugly photo in an incredibly ugly outfit / haircut (or both), or some dishonest cheating in schools or some harsh comments we made knowingly or unknowingly to our friends, or some inglorious stupid mistakes that we made.
For me, it is all of the above.
I think it is important to accept what happened without any prejudice or anger or regret. It is simply a (small) chapter in the journey of life, and there is no need to be too concerned about it.
The important part is to learn from our mistake.
Only when we are able to completely accept we are for who we are and accept what happened without shame and guilt, we will be able to move on.
2. You mentioned some girlfriends did not like you. For whatever reasons behind this, again this is inevitable. Some people dislike you because you are dumb, because you are mean, because you are sweaty and stink, because you are overweight, or because you are smart and beautiful and everyone likes you.
We are not exactly in a beauty pageant competition running for Ms Friendly crown. It is just fairly common that some people dislike others or do not get along well, and there is no need to be too concerned about it.
3. As far as dating situation goes, what if some of his friends do not like you? The answer is fairly simple. Remember who you are dating with: him or his friends?
As long as you did nothing wrong, you live by your conscience, morals, standards and values, I think this is pretty sufficient.
How others see you is irrelevant, it is how you see yourself that counts more.
k xoxo
Thanks for sharing your story with me on whatsapp earlier.
There are a few points I'd like to get back to you in more details on your story.
1. We all have some unpleasant personal history that we hope it may be erased by pressing a button or using an eraser. It can be a nude topless photo in bath tub while we were a kid, or a really ugly photo in an incredibly ugly outfit / haircut (or both), or some dishonest cheating in schools or some harsh comments we made knowingly or unknowingly to our friends, or some inglorious stupid mistakes that we made.
For me, it is all of the above.
I think it is important to accept what happened without any prejudice or anger or regret. It is simply a (small) chapter in the journey of life, and there is no need to be too concerned about it.
The important part is to learn from our mistake.
Only when we are able to completely accept we are for who we are and accept what happened without shame and guilt, we will be able to move on.
2. You mentioned some girlfriends did not like you. For whatever reasons behind this, again this is inevitable. Some people dislike you because you are dumb, because you are mean, because you are sweaty and stink, because you are overweight, or because you are smart and beautiful and everyone likes you.
We are not exactly in a beauty pageant competition running for Ms Friendly crown. It is just fairly common that some people dislike others or do not get along well, and there is no need to be too concerned about it.
3. As far as dating situation goes, what if some of his friends do not like you? The answer is fairly simple. Remember who you are dating with: him or his friends?
As long as you did nothing wrong, you live by your conscience, morals, standards and values, I think this is pretty sufficient.
How others see you is irrelevant, it is how you see yourself that counts more.
k xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)