Margin Call

Dearest ML,

I am not sure if you watched the film "Margin Call"? M and I watched it just now... Scary. Well to specify it is not a horror film (I would never watch that) but a mimic on what exactly happened on the day when Lehman Brother collapsed in 2008. In the film it mentioned about the layoff / how the senior management reacted upon hearing the news that they were hugely in debt ....

The rest is all history.

Read news today Morgan Stanley is going to layoff 560 staff alone in their New York headquarter. History is just repeating itself.

And I am not sure if you watched the documentary "inside job"? Maybe this is part of the reason why you would like to change field?

Life is short, there are far more important and better things to do than... working non-stop, earning money in a dirty, dishonest way. Occupy Wall Street certainly got their motives right (if I remember, one of them is "against corporate greed") but we have to ask - what has been done so far to avoid history from repeating itself?

Or nothing at all? And... how we end up in a world like this, where hard work no longer pays off and only those who cheat / lie can earn big money?


k   xoxo

New Year's Resolution

Dearest ML,

2011 flew by so quickly! With new year approaching very shortly, I am not sure if you have the habit of having new year's resolution at the very beginning of the year, on what you'd hope to achieve / accomplish?

I do, and every year I am amazed how quickly time flew by. But we all know what happens to the new year's resolutions in the end, very few or none of them will be achieved.

So what is the point of making new year's resolution, in figuring out & prioritizing what you want to have / achieve in the coming year?

I read an article on this today, well not exactly on new year's resolution but on figuring out your wants. Simply put, it is a process in sorting out the chaotic mind, and to see if what you want is something under your control. If so, go for it. If not, you know you have nothing to do about it.

It is also on the process in realizing how bad shape you are in now, and to act to change on it.

Process is far more important than the outcome.

So probably I will spend some time in drafting out my "new year's resolution" for 2012. It is never too late or too stupid for this.


k  xoxo

The end of life journey

Dearest ML,

A friend of mine is approaching the end of her life journey. I just visited her today and she looks very fragile and tired. I am concerned that she will never be able to wake up from sleep.

Luckily she is not in much pain but it doesn't make me feel any better. It is emotional draining. I cannot imagine if this happen to any of my close family members.

Death can be just so close to any one of us.

Occasions like this make me re-think again - what is the purpose of life? What am I going to achieve - have a successful career? Make money? To make a lot of friends? To experience? Or simply to stay happy and have no regrets in life?

In approaching Christmas time it is supposed to be joyous, and shopping and eating... but this year, I'd rather to take this chance to have another reflection on myself.

The end of life journey may actually happen at any time.


k   xoxo

On Forgiveness

Dearest ML,

Thanks for another meaningful blog post on forgiveness.

There is a line you wrote - "you are also forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to be vulnerable or making an error in judgment."

Interestingly, M also always talks to me about being vulnerable in a relationship.

To be honest, I am actually pretty "zen" in quite a lot of areas. I always believe things happen for a reason, literally everything. So even for B, how I see is "if it is not because of his breakup, I would not have started any relationship with M".

However even so, it does not justify what he did to me. Having said that, even if he did apologize, it does not change anything on what happened.

So does "forgiveness" help? I do not mean to be harsh on myself, or him - I wrote once I don't hate people, it wastes time and energy and counter-productive. If there is something I cannot get over with, then I still cannot get it over. Does it mean I still spend a lot of time on past issues? No.

Life is short, time is precious. Assuming I cannot forgive, it may be better to "forget" instead.

It does not mean I hate him or myself or anyone. I think nobody can make a wise decision in the area of love. It is always gonna be a bet, a gambling, and trial and error. Love is blind, and it is true. And will there be any A hole who will admit himself to be an A hole to you at the time of dating? I'm afraid not.

We can only know on hindsight.

So you are right, lesson learned. Anything can happen in relationship. Enjoy the happy times whenever possible, as these are the good memories to make you go through the difficult times. Once if you ever get hurt, do what a smart girl does - lesson learned, and move on with our lives, as we both clearly understand hurt is sometimes inevitable.

This makes us for who we are, and we accept this as part of our life journey. 


k   xoxo

How I see Friends

Dearest ML,

In your latest email you wrote about friends and your desire of keeping closer in touch with friends.

I am very bad in keeping in touch with friends. I can chat, make new friends easily but not at all good in keeping contacts with close, real friends. What I realize is -

Real friends are those who do not need to be in close contacts all the times.

Real friends are those who may not be close with you physically but close with you in heart.

Real friends are those who can talk and talk and share what is happening in life after months of no contact.

Real friends are those who will be there for you when you are down, need someone to talk to, when you need help.

Real friends can be those who are not even on your Facebook. 

Most importantly, it takes two to make real friends. 

So do real friends need "maintenance"?  Yes and no. You have to realize one fact - friends, are like guys and buses, they come and go. Time will tell who is the real friend. There is no need to push it too hard. And there is also no need to feel sad when you lose some of the "friends".

PS - by coincidence I was watching The Good Wife with M just now. There was a quote between Alicia and her brother like below.

Background: they were really close, and Alicia called her brother late night to have drinks in a bar and complained she doesn't have friends anymore.

Alicia: God, where are all my friends?
Brother: on your facebook


k   xoxo

Sir

Dearest ML,

One of my hobbies these days is to read how others become an entrepreneur and if and why they become successful.

The latest article I just read is how a famous Hong Kong record producer evolves to become a fashion designer and create his own brand called "Coolday, sir". Mind you he is also a father of 3 young sons!

Their style evolves Brit chic male fashion and they provoke 10 principles of how to become "sir" -

1. He knows when to say yes or no, but never maybe.

2. He speaks kindly, but always the truth.

3. He expects excellence of himself.

4. He delights in the excellence of others.

5. He is the first to arrive and the last to leave.

6. He is humble because he knows what he doesn't know.

7. He serves without being asked.

8. He knows the real value is not determined by fortune. 

9. He is chivalrous.

10. He prefers style over trend.

I found it so true not only for "sir" but for ladies as well (ok maybe except #7)! 

Maybe it is time to work out our version of "how to become a lady", in love & relationship, in career and in friendship...  :-)


k   xoxo

One year

Dearest ML,

Last night I was dropping a Facebook message to my Italian girlfriend to wish her bon voyage back home, then I realized it has been nearly 1 year since my trip to Italy, and then I realized one year ago I was dumped by B right before the Italy trip.

When you forgot about the time, it is an indication of healing.

When you move on with life and getting busy and gradually stop thinking about him / dwelling with why things happen, it is an indication of healing.

When you stop having any feeling in him, it is a GOOD indication of healing.  

When you feel like you are a happier person than before, it is an indication of healing.

Be thankful on what we have. Be thankful we are still alive and healthy. Be thankful we have a choice to lead a happy and fulfilling life.



k   xoxo

How to reject a guy who is interested in you...

Dearest ML,

Happy to hear you met a new friend :-) Keep the guy radar ON!

Re your question on how to reject a guy who expressed interested in you but not vice versa, I actually consulted our male consultant M and here is his suggestions -

1. White lies
It is time for white lies say I am sorry but I am seeing someone / ex BF etc.... You write so beautifully you surely know how to fill out the rest

2. Be honest
He suggested no harm to be honest (and be absolutely honest) and make it clear that there is absolutely no chance to be romantically involved - something like "oh you are such a nice person I am happy to have you as friends"

3. For me I may say
- I am not in mood in seeing anyone at the moment due to work / studies / bad breakup etc... (but may cause backfire and make him more persistent!)
- I am not available as I have a crush on someone in the paddling club / gym (which implies he is not your type!)

Honestly comparing the two, I think option 1 may be more viable and cause less damage to another party?

Regardless, like what I mentioned do not agree to go out any dates in future which may give mixed signals :0) You may be bored but hang out with your friends / buddies (that's what friends are for?)

Hope it helps, keep me posted

And like what your last post said, be thankful on what you have, and always hope for the best (especially in Christmas!!)


k   xoxo

So what??

Dearest ML,

You are lucky!! By pure coincidence I managed to dig out the Chinese article of "so what" attitude.

It begins like this (sorry I may not be good in translation):

Lately I attended a campaign called "iPaint xmas tree" at a shopping mall in Hong Kong where they invited a few disabled artist to design xmas trees. Some of them have hearing disability, some with physical disability. This makes me remember the book written by Nick Vujicic as he is a person born without any limbs. The tone of the book is light and I cannot feel any sense of unhappiness in his writing.

One line that he wrote is : 

"Disability is my physical attribute, there is no need to be upset by my physical attribute"

Very shocking!

I always ask myself "so what?"

Physical attribute can be referred as "if my nose is perfectly high and straight enough, if my legs are long enough" but the author (Nick) can see his in-born disability as his normal physical attribute, it proves his independent & adverse way of thinking can make him score A+ in general education in Hong Kong. When the majority of us are crazy about slimming, plastic surgery, botex etc... and being too concerned about how people's view on us, have we ever thought of seeing our imperfect area as our physical attribute?

Successful people always ask "why not?" to think out-of-the-box. We have to ask "so what?" often to adjust our thinking. We are overweight, we are slim, with short legs, or with bald head. The first line to say is "so what"? Then our self-confidence will immediately come back, and we feel good about ourselves.

I can further elaborate the above "physical attribute" and "so what?" logic to journey of life. When we encounter the inevitable unfortunate incidents that happen in our journey of life, we will realize how fragile our physical body can be, but our will (power) can be strong. I remember the author (Nick) wrote "my love life is irrelevant to my disability, most importantly is "I do not use disability as an excuse" because no one will find someone who's self pity and pathetic to be charming".

Look, if we have "so what", there is nothing much to be afraid of. Being dumped by someone, so what? This is inevitable in journey in life. Loss of job, so that? Also inevitable in journey of life.

So one line of "so what" can be very powerful. And to have a fulfilling life, it all begins with "so what".

=================================

Very meaningful huh?


k   xoxo

Debt

Dear ML,

I read an interesting article on newspaper yesterday. This is what it talked about - DEBT.

You know the Chinese is actually the biggest buyer of US treasury bonds (amount of USD11.483 trillion). Assuming Chinese population is 1.3 billion, on average Americans owe each Chinese USD883 or equivalent to a iPhone 4S! But since American population is only 322 million, so each American actually owes each Chinese four iPhone 4S!!!

As a matter of fact, US owes other foreigner investors of total USD96.214 trillion (as of March 2011), so each American actually has a debt of USD29,880.

Let's look at figures below on debt per person in respective European countries: 

Greece - USD34,489
Italy - USD34,970
Spain - USD16,114
Portugal - USD18,435

I was like - OMG, does it mean each newborn baby already has a debt on his / her shoulder right upon birth?

What happens? Why it happens?

And most importantly, what is going to happen?

We live in an age of turmoil where we spend too much (even for the governments). So it is about time to re-think what we wanna have, and really ask ourselves "do we need this" before we buy.


k   xoxo

Make Room

ML, thanks for the meaningful post on "Make Room".

Before "making room", I think it may help to have the following mindsets (aka smart girl survival tips):

#1 - Understand that things do happen for a reason

For all the good or the bad, things do happen for a reason. For example, you are dumped by this guy so that you can meet the next (better) guy!

You are dumped by this guy so that you can learn how to identify and deal with A holes better!

Learn from it, and benefit from it. Be smart, be wise.

#2 - Cherish the good memories

We cannot make the clock turn back. What happened happened. Cherish the good memories together (even after you delete the pictures or Facebook message or emails!). What make us today is all these experiences - there is no way you can complete omit the existence of something or someone in the past. And believe me, hating someone consumes your energy. Regretting something happened wastes your energy. So why bother?

#3 - Understand the process takes time 

Yes it is going to be a painful process and it takes time. For the time being, distract yourself - have girls talk, drinks, night out or even have a new haircut or a trip!

#4 - Most importantly, understand you have a choice

We only live once and we always have a choice how to live our lives. If we may have a choice of

(A) to waste time being angry with the A hole or ourselves, or
(B) to spend the same amount of time to make ourselves more beautiful and looking more attractive both physically and mentally.

Which one will you choose?

It is always a matter of choice.

And smart girls know how to make the right choice for themselves.  Always remember : if we wanna someone to love us, we must love ourselves first.


k  xoxo

Choice

Dear ML, in the last line of your latest post it reminds me again - life is a matter of choice. You can decide how you live your life. You can choose to be happy.

In a lot of times we simply forget we have this choice but start to blame others - blame colleagues, blame nasty boss, blame fate. But this is all wrong - we all have a choice, and a choice to be happy and live a life we wanna have.

I recently read an article on "SO WHAT?" - we are dumped. SO WHAT? We failed. SO WHAT? This is part of the process and part of the journey in life. 

Thank you so much again for the meaningful post. And I will start Jabu and other of my businesses asap.


k  xoxo

The High Road - my version

Dear ML, thanks so much for your posts! I have been busy in Hong Kong and... partly I do not have internet access readily available as in LA.

While you may think router is so normal, so common but it is not the case in my family. I never have any router in my home. I did not need one in the past. In any case, this time I am back, I know I need one. So I bought one. Then big time! I had a lot of quarrels with my dad - who believes Wi-fi got some radiation and this is bad for his health. And becoz the modem / router is next to his bed, he doesn't prefer me to use it at night.

I do not know if this is something related to his stubbornness - I can be very stubborn but living with parents is an ART. It is a matter of compromise as well. I know you have a difficult period. I only hope things are getting better know after your honest talk / sharing of feelings via whatever means (Facebook / SMS or even a note, it really doesn't matter). 

Likewise, part of my purpose of this trip is to understand my brother better. He is also experiencing some personal issues but reluctant to open up himself. So what can I do?? I can only reach out, and see if he gets back to me.

Family issues is all complicated. To certain extent all families are dysfunctional simply because no one is perfect. We also often project our expectations onto each other - and especially to family! For friends you can easily choose to walk away, but not for family. But you are right - it is a matter of choice, and I am still struggling. I can be really outspoken in some areas, but when dealing with my family, I decided to be more submissive simply becoz I know nothing much can be changed.

We all grow up one day. It does not mean we do not love our family, but just cannot get along anymore.

In any case, I hope moving out do more good than harm in your case. As for me, I am still struggling. M always advises me to adopt the Zen approach - simply put do not let them hurt you. Let's see.


k  xoxo